We’ve all seen the data on phones, social media, and the youth mental health crisis. And we know that children in this generation have alarming rates of anxiety and depression. I’m just as concerned as anyone else, but I’m still shocked that one key word is missing from the conversation: an important fundamental principle in life. That is the “boundary line”.
As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting and family relationships, I’ve noticed a tendency to trade important boundaries for keeping children happy. The problem is that kids have always pushed the boundaries and asked for things that aren’t good for them. In fact, this is part of the child’s work, children are meant to explore the world and understand the “edges” and limits. And while children continue to work, parents are really struggling to do their jobs, resulting in an imbalanced family system and compromised mental health.
The cost of not setting boundaries with our children has never been greater. Decades ago, if parents had a hard time having boundaries and tolerating pushback, their kids might have eaten an extra cupcake or stayed out late. Today, the cost of not being able to set boundaries seems akin to an eight-year-old scrolling freely through TikTok or playing endless video games at the expense of real-world participation. Masu. I agree that we are in a crisis, but I’m not just thinking about the phone and social media crisis. We are also facing a crisis in what I call “solid leadership,” as children need it now more than ever.
What does solid leadership mean? Solid leadership is a model of parental authority where both parents have boundaries and maintain a connection with their child or actually improve their connection through these moments. They do this by validating their child’s feelings while holding firm to what is best for everyone. It’s the same model that works for workplaces and sports teams. That is, a leader who is true to his principles and able to care about the feelings of others without being controlled by them.
So what does this look like in practice?Imagine your 5-year-old child asking you to buy a toy at a toy store. Even if I made it clear that I was just going to buy a birthday present for my cousin. Your 5-year-old starts begging for toys and you feel like he’s having a tantrum. Solid leadership will answer: Seeing so many fun toys, it’s hard not to grab something. All you have to do today is buy your cousin a toy. We will take photos of your choice so you can remember them later. I love you, we will get through this. ”
You can think of this like a math equation: Emotional Validation + Maintaining Boundaries = Solid Leadership.
What about older children? Imagine your 12-year-old daughter asks you out for a sleepover and you say no. Your daughter is understandably frustrated with you for not getting what she wants. In this moment, sturdy leadership looks like this: “One of my main jobs is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even if you’re upset with me. This is one of those times. “I understand, I really feel that way too.” In this example, the parents acknowledged their child’s feelings but stood by their decision to do what they believed was best.
Here’s why setting boundaries early and often is so important: When the day comes that our kids demand a phone or an Instagram, our approach is not limited to our universally recognized “media policy” as parents. Our approach is simply an extension of the way we have always worked with children based on their wants and needs.
Read more: How Dr. Becky became the millennial parenting whisperer
As well as being a fan of boundaries, I’m also a big fan of this idea. It’s never too late and the best time to change is always now. So if you’re a parent who already gave your kids access to phones and social media and wish you had held back, all is not lost. Think of yourself as a pilot who always has the right to return to base if the skies become more rough than expected. In fact, this is what passengers want their pilots to do, even if it seems frustrating in the moment. You are the pilot of a family plane. Your child won’t thank you for changing the rules, but in a few years, he or she will greatly benefit from your hardiness and protective behavior.
The key is to start with small steps. For example, this might be a conversation you have with your child that goes something like this: “I’m on my phone, on social media, and reading a lot about your health. I’m responsible for your health and safety. I know it’s not easy, but starting tonight, we… Everyone decides to leave their phones outside their bedrooms when they go to bed at night.” In this example, the parents are embodying their authority with boundaries and warmth, and this new rule comes from a place of protection rather than punishment. It belongs to.
My life’s work is to help parents become confident, strong leaders and raise confident, strong children. We know that phones and social media are hindering children’s ability to thrive, but parents need more support. We need to widen the conversation so parents don’t feel trapped by fear and instead understand the practical skills they can build to make a difference and support their children.
