If you stacked up all the parenting books ever written, the tower of how-tos and what-to-do manuals would stretch far beyond the clouds. Raising a child is a difficult job that raises thousands of questions for those entrusted with the job. But often the question at the center of all other questions is, “Am I doing a good job?”
This is reassuring news. For the overwhelming majority of parents (who provide their children with basic human needs such as food, shelter, and medical care), especially those who ask this question in the first place, the answer is probably yes.
“I always go back to one of my favorite quotes by[New York University developmental and community psychologist]Hiro Yoshikawa: ‘The magic of human development is that very few experiences destroy children. ’” says Terry Sabol. Associate Professor of Human Development and Social Policy at Northwestern University.
Of course, the goal of most parents is not only to not destroy their children, but to help them grow. While the towering stacks of books make it seem like you need a PhD to do parenting “right”, in reality, good parenting boils down to a few simple core elements.
“The answer, based on evidence from 40 to 50 years of research, is that all children need both warmth and restraint,” says the psychologist and author of Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends. , says Eileen Kennedy Moore, author of “Build Resilience”. , and develop true self-esteem. “And if one is missing, the other won’t work.”
This long-held theory comes from the work of clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind. He identified four quadrants of parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful) and studied how each style affected child development.
Broadly speaking, each parenting style can be thought of in the framework of “warmth plus restrictions.” In other words, authoritarian parenting is more restrictive and less warm. Permissive parenting avoids restrictions in favor of the child’s wishes. Authoritative parenting involves these two elements in equal measure. Child abandonment has neither of those things. Baumrind’s research shows that when it comes to healthy human development, a balanced and authoritative approach wins hands down.
This balance plays out differently within each family and between each parent-child pair within a family. “Warmth” may look one way to you, but it looks another way to a parent-child combination of a different culture, temperament, or background.
“It all goes back to the golden quadrant of warmth and control,” says Sabol. “We think there’s such a thing as ‘perfect parenting,’ but in reality, it’s just being warm and firm.”
So what does it look like to parent from that “golden quadrant”? Here are some sure-fire ways to set boundaries and lead with love, according to experts.
1. Keep the relationship centered
Dr. Brenna Hicks, a registered play therapist, certified mental health counselor, and host of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, says that if you invest in your relationship with your child through unconditional love and acceptance, everything else will flow from there. is said to flow out.
“If they know that even at their worst, when they’re angry and screaming and upset and defiant, you won’t change your relationship with them. , act in a self-enhancing way and self-actualize,” says Hicks.
Hicks clarifies that this does not mean giving them full freedom to act as they wish. Instead, it provides guidance in creating limits and boundaries.
“Children have a right to be angry and upset, and they have a right to express those feelings, but sometimes they act in inappropriate ways,” Hicks said. “So we will set limits where necessary.”
Choose a structure that will sustain your relationship long-term. That could be something like walking away or taking a five-minute bathroom break, she says. Or offer a hug without saying anything.
Another helpful way to keep your relationship centered is to look to the future. Imagine, says Hicks, that your child is a fully functioning older adult who has just been asked how you were as a parent when they were children. What do you want their answer to be?
“This is a wake-up call,” she says. “If you want to be known as patient, forgiving, or kind, think about what’s important to you and create that in your current relationship.”
2. Promote self-awareness
As the saying goes, parenting well will eventually cost you your job. And to instill self-sufficiency in children as they grow into adults, we first need to support their sense of self, says Dr. Schneider, clinical psychologist and author of Autonomy Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. says Dr. Emily Edlin.
“It means looking at and supporting who your child is and what inspires and excites them, rather than imposing your own ideas of who they should be.” says Edlin.
You will notice the signs when your child feels like they can be like themselves around you. For example, they’re more likely to confide in you about choices they regret.
“If they come to you and say, “I was just a little embarrassed,” or “I made a big mistake,” that means you love and accept them for who they are, without judging them. That’s what they know.” Edlin says. “Through your relationships with them and the way you treat them, you are developing a sense of autonomy. They are free to explore their own identity, and they become confident in their abilities.” .”
3. Strive to do your best and fix it when you mess up.
Kennedy Moore says your actions don’t determine what kind of parent you are. Most parents go back and forth from authoritarian parenting to permissive parenting to authoritative parenting, sometimes multiple times a day. The important thing is the overall balance.
When you find yourself parenting in a way that you wish you could do over again, use it as an opportunity to teach your child how to fix it.
“Our mistakes are part of what we teach our children about relationships,” says Kennedy-Moore. “What do you do when you get mad at someone? What do you do when you feel guilty about something? It’s about the kindness we want them to have and the kindness we want them to have. Show them the empathy you want them to learn and develop. Love means trying again.”
4. Don’t throw your needs aside
Parenting-related stress is at an all-time high, according to the U.S. Surgeon General, who will issue the Surgeon General’s Recommendations on Parent Mental Health and Well-Being in August 2024, including children’s health and safety, financial concerns, Reasons for this increased burden include technology and social media use, and the mental health crisis among young people. Understandably, stressed-out parents have a harder time accessing the tools they need to parent well.
“Developmental science shows that when parents are stressed, it becomes more difficult for them to form healthy relationships,” Sabol says. “The pressure on parents to be perfect, in some ways, actually negates the very thing they’re trying to do.”
If you’re finding it difficult to maintain a healthy balance of warmth and restriction in your parenting, check yourself first. Call your reservists to take a break, take a walk, or take a nap. Above all, give yourself grace.
“Parenting is hard,” Sabol says. “There are no perfect parents.”
Learn more about parenting:
