Those who know me know that I am a loving parent. I love making my children’s breakfast every day, packing their lunches for school, and choosing their clothes.
But I’ve also found that sometimes (OK, regularly) I end up doing a little too much for my growing child. This is often illustrated by talking to other parents whose children are more independent. I recently had a conversation with a friend who told me that his two daughters (one of whom is the same age as my son) often pack their own lunches and make their own breakfast.
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Hearing things like that about my friends’ children was eye-opening and inspired me to change my ways. But should my friend’s parenting approach be called “lazy parenting”? And am I doing too much for my kids? Because there’s a lot of debate on TikTok about this very topic.
One TikTok user, a mother of four, recently advised parents to be more proactive about what she calls lazy parenting and stop doing too much for their kids. posted a video. This California mother says lazy parenting is better for her kids.
Here’s what experts are saying about the latest parenting debates.
What exactly is “lazy parenting”?
Lazy parenting is the idea that parents step back and let their children do many of their own tasks throughout the day. It aims to help them build confidence, independence and responsibility.
In a TikTok video that has been viewed more than 124,000 times, user leahova begins by saying, “We need to be more lazy parents.” Meanwhile, the video’s caption reads, “This is me giving you permission to do less.”
The mom on TikTok starts talking about a friend she recently visited. These friends have children who are almost 15 years old (about a year older than my older child). During the visit, a friend worried aloud that she was doing something wrong as a parent because her kids weren’t as independent as the mom on TikTok. And therein lies the crux of the debate.
“She said, ‘Your kids are so independent. They go make their own food, they buy their own snacks, they bake their own bagels.'” This story The lesson is that for nearly 15 years, the older children in the other family won’t eat breakfast unless their parents prepare it.
The mother ended her TikTok monologue with this: “I always say to kids whose parents literally do everything for them…I want people to know, you can be more lazy. Honestly. Maybe that’s how the kids will grow up.”
Let’s talk.
When does “lazy parenting” work?
Are parents giving too much attention to their children these days? Of course, the answer to that question is nuanced and depends on the family in question. But parenting experts and coaches generally seem to agree that there is often room for improvement among parents.
He is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic: A Step to Raising Competent, Appreciative Children in an Overentitled World. Step guide. “We do this in the name of love because we want to be helpful and it’s easier and less disruptive. But it’s a huge disservice to the children. It deprives children of essential life skills and undermines their confidence.”
As parents, our job description is to move our children from being completely dependent on us to being fully independent, McCready adds. But if your teen has never made a sandwich on their own, that’s unlikely to happen. If we don’t gradually make our children more independent, those same children can become completely overwhelmed by the idea of meal planning and shopping.
Parenting coach Tessa Stuckey is a licensed professional counselor and author who regularly speaks with parents about the importance of transitioning from being a “fixer” to being a “supporter” in a child’s life. This is a shift that needs to start early, she says.
“We want to avoid being ‘helicopter parents’ constantly hovering over our children to make sure they don’t make mistakes or fall. We also want to avoid being ‘helicopter parents’ constantly hovering over our children to make sure they don’t make mistakes or fall. We also want to avoid a ‘lawnmower’ approach to parenting that smooths things out. “There’s nothing wrong with the child,” Stuckey says. “This deprives children of the ability to build independence, confidence, self-awareness and practice life skills.”
Part of being a supporter of children is being emotionally available, but also challenging and encouraging them to face uncomfortable and even stressful situations in their lives. Yes, Stuckey adds.
This could include support for independence in a number of ways. Start by asking your children to help with household chores. Next, work on building a sense of responsibility for schoolwork. For example, let the children email the teacher themselves (rather than parent intervention) and allow the natural consequences to occur.
Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions
I often see well-meaning parents doing for their children what they themselves could very well do.
— Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions
When should parents intervene?
If a child is clearly struggling beyond their skill level, parents may need to lend a hand or take the lead. McCready advises that this support is best only offered after the child has been provided with appropriate training and guidance and given the opportunity to independently try age-appropriate tasks.
When parents step in and help, the way they do so is also important.
“It’s important that we approach them not as rescuers, but as coaches and supporters. Our role is to help them overcome challenges and encourage problem-solving and resilience,” McCready explains. “This way, children learn that it’s okay to ask for help, but they also develop the confidence to tackle tasks on their own.”
Hannah Keeley, a parenting expert and Masterboard certified life coach, suggests that parents need to pay attention to what she calls the “sweet spot.”
“The sweet spot is where challenge and ability meet,” Keely explains. “When ability exceeds challenge, the result is boredom, which is the problem for most children today. But when ability falls short of challenge, it equates to stress. That’s where parents We need to intervene.”
Stuckey added that it’s also important to intervene when a child is in danger to protect them and advocate for them when necessary.
The consensus among experts and parenting coaches seems to be that it’s important to strike a balance between support and promoting independence. And getting over that gap can be one of the hardest things we do as parents.
“It’s hard for most parents to step back and not help their kids. We want to help. We want to make things easier for them,” McCready said. I added. “We want to see them succeed, so we ‘overcontribute’ to science projects rather than making them do poorly.”
“But if kids don’t experience what it’s like to fail, they miss out on the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and improve for the future,” she added.
Hannah Keeley, parenting expert
If your abilities are not up to the task, it is equivalent to stress. This is where parents need to intervene.
— Hannah Keeley, parenting expert
Is “lazy” the right word for achieving this parenting balance?
Before we leave this topic completely, and in order to properly evaluate it, we should also mention the term “lazy parenting.” Because I don’t think the title laziness fits here.
“It’s funny and self-deprecating to call it ‘lazy parenting,’ but it misses the point,” McCready says. “What we’re talking about is a more intentional approach to parenting that helps prevent entitlement.”
Stuckey agrees: “The word lazy is defined as not wanting to work. But I believe that raising children is the most labor-intensive thing, especially when you try to make them work a little harder and solve problems.”
Parenting coach Megan Barrera emphasizes that taking the necessary steps to help your child become independent is the exact opposite of being lazy. “As TikTok wants us to think, it’s not just about kids not doing things they can do for themselves,” she says.
Barella added that in previous generations, self-sufficiency, independence and independence were social norms for young people. On the other hand, today’s children spend more time on scheduled activities such as school, after school, and extracurricular activities. And when kids are at home, they’re typically on their devices. All of this leaves little time or opportunity for parents to provide guidance and build a foundation for independence. It also leaves little time for children to explore their skills.
“Teaching children life skills requires parental presence and patience. It’s much easier for parents to do things themselves,” Barrera says. She suggests that the proper term for taking a step back more often and allowing children to do things on their own so that they can grow and eventually take the leap is empowerment parenting. I am.
Giving children the life skills they need to live happy and healthy lives is no easy task.
“Letting go and fostering independence requires thoughtfulness, time and commitment from parents, as well as trust in them and in life itself,” Barrera added.