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Dear care and food,
My in-laws gave me a trip to Disney for Christmas. We have two teenage sons and a seven year old daughter. We thought it would be nice for her to come with us on the trip and invited our 8 year old niece “Bella” to go with us. We did not invite her two older siblings, “Brandi” and “Brian.”
Frankly, Brandi is a bully and Brian is a flight risk. Brandi seems to have lost her sense of reason and empathy as soon as she reached her teens. She has more than once brought her sons to tears by teasing them about their weight and acne, and has twice been suspended from school for bullying other students. Brian cannot sit still or follow instructions. I can’t remember how many times I’ve gone to the grocery store or the zoo and then turned around to find Brian walking away.
The brother initially agrees to let Bella go, but backs out after his wife accuses him of neglecting their other two children. I honestly can only afford to take Bella because she gets to share a bed with my daughter, and frankly I don’t want to bother the other kids because of their behavior. Said. I reminded her that the last time she took all six kids to an amusement park, she spent half the time trying to keep Brian from running away while Brandi picked a fight with her oldest son. I did. Actions have consequences. I said if they wanted to pay their own money and get their own room, it was perfectly fine for them to join.
Now, my brother said that Bella can’t go. She is very upset and regrets making the offer. To make matters worse, my brother and sister-in-law won’t allow Bella to come see their daughter. We lived about two hours away and Bella often came to stay at our house. My wife and I have no idea what to do about this violation. We just wanted to do something special for our daughter on this trip. Any ideas?
—Disney Travel
Dear Disney trip,
Of course, there’s no obligation to take three more kids on vacation. It’s also understandable that she feels incapable of handling Brandi and Brian, as well as two young girls and a teenage son, with no other adults around. But I think it would have been very easy for Vera to insist on coming without filing a lawsuit against her brother. If I had just said, “I can only afford to bring another child, and Bella and[your daughter]are very close, and we’re about the same age, I’d love for you to come,” I might not have done that. You are now facing a huge rift in your family. Rather, it sounds like you were irritated with your sister-in-law (who understandably sounds like she was the one who got defensive with you in the first place) and decided to focus on your problems with your other children. I don’t think this fight needed to happen during this particular discussion.
Yes, the actions you describe are difficult and also involve safety risks. One of the many reasons I hope and hope that your niece and nephew’s parents are going to deal with them. Your children should not be bullied by their cousins or others. However, your description of Brian in particular as a child who “cannot sit still or follow directions” and who is “at risk of flying” makes me strongly suspect that he has some sort of neural divergence or disorder. It has become. If so, “actions have consequences” seems like a way to unnecessarily judge your argument about not inviting him out. Your brother and sister-in-law must have been worried about losing their son in public, and you tried to use that to score an argument point.
Again, be honest with yourself about your financial or other limitations, especially if you don’t think you can be a good caregiver for Brian or keep him safe at a huge amusement park. It’s perfectly fine to be. Perhaps there are some worlds in which you could have kindly expressed these points to his parents. However, you may have spoken in a way that showed a lack of understanding or empathy for Brian’s situation, implying that Brian’s out-of-control behavior is likely to make him a “troublesome” or bad boy. It seems like he was. Any parent of a child with a disability may share stories of their child being similarly judged, shunned, or reduced to only “problem” or “atypical” behavior. These things are often more hurtful when they are told by relatives, people you expect to love and accept your child because they are family.
My teenage stepdaughter keeps making nasty threats. I might take her up on it. Help! My daughter talks about marriage like it’s a prison sentence. She will lose the perfect man. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. My sister-in-law contacted my employer. No, my wife is a tyrant. I want to be freed from my “duties” as a grandmother.
I don’t know what’s behind your brother and sister-in-law refusing to attend or visit Bella’s vacation. Whatever their reason, your response will depend on how much you value and want to repair your relationship with their family. If you still want to spend time with them, see if your brother and sister-in-law are willing to talk to you again. Ask them to tell you why they are angry and really listen to what they have to say. If the reason is because you actually felt entitled to have them pay you to take all the kids on an expensive vacation, that’s unreasonable and that you can’t do it. Let me clarify. But if your kids are angry because you criticized or rejected them, don’t make excuses, admit that you hurt them and apologize. As a family, do your best to understand their situation and challenges. Discuss what you can do to make your time together a little easier, even if it’s not related to this holiday.
—Nicole
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