Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 3-year-old child and I live in a house with my partner, our child, and two roommates. One of our roommates has guns in the home, which she keeps unloaded and locked in a gun safe in her bedroom in the basement. My 3-year-old recently started preschool, and for the first time, we’re inviting kids over who are not the children of our close friends. Politically, we live in a very liberal area, and I assume the parents of most of the kids at preschool are vehemently anti-gun. I personally would prefer not to have guns in the home either, but I trust my roommate (who I’ve known for many years) and her dedication to gun safety. I don’t want my child to miss out on having friends come over—there is no reason the kids would ever venture into the basement, and I would not leave preschoolers unsupervised during a play date. I wouldn’t even know how to bring up the guns (though I would tell the truth if asked). What is my obligation to tell these other parents that there are guns in the home?
—Perplexed by Playdate Etiquette
Dear Perplexed,
Maybe you aren’t technically obligated to divulge the guns’ presence unless you’re asked, but I think your best move is to offer the information proactively. If your sense of your community is correct, a lot of parents probably assume that your home doesn’t have guns. It would be easy to say, “Well, it’s on them, then, if they don’t confirm their assumptions.” But while that’s technically true, I think society works best when we anticipate each other’s needs before they’re voiced. For example, say you’re at a party with a neighbor and you know she doesn’t know anyone else there. Which is kinder: Taking her by the arm and introducing her to some of your friends, or waiting until she tells you she’s uncomfortable before you show her around? For a more serious case, consider a person with an STI who decides not to proactively tell their partner before they’re intimate. We all know who we’d cast as the villain there.
I understand your fear that other parents might prohibit their kids from coming over. But that’s a risk you must accept. Just like friends with allergies might not be able to come over to a home with cats, some friends may not be allowed to play at your place. As we all try to teach our kids, things can’t always be “even” or “fair,” right? It doesn’t mean the kids can’t still be friends. And in time, enough trust may grow between you and the other parents that hosting a playdate becomes possible.
I hope you’ll consider telling folks ahead of time. When you do, offer the parents a tour, invite them to meet your roommate or see the gun safe—whatever would make them feel comfortable. I also strongly encourage you to install a second layer of protection, like a lock to the basement or bedroom door. (After all, having “no reason” to go somewhere rarely stops an inquisitive child.) And if you don’t already, you should know how many guns your roommate owns and be versed in how to unlock and lock the safe so that you can ensure the firearm’s whereabouts even when your roommate is out.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 3-year-old son, “Larry.” He’s in daycare and does well in it. But last week when I was picking him up, he wanted to introduce me to another child in the facility, “Cheryl,” who he very seriously insisted was his girlfriend. I chatted politely and then took Larry home, thinking it was cute. On the drive back, I asked him a bit more about Cheryl and how they got together.
He told me that they’d been sleeping together for a month, and he heard from somewhere that if you sleep with a girl for a while, she’s your girlfriend, and he asked if that was right. He clearly meant they just napped at the same time and on the same mat, and I dodged around his question about what officially counts as a relationship saying it gets complicated and a lot of people do different things, and as long as he and Cheryl are in agreement, they can call themselves whatever they want.
I still think it’s cute, but I am wondering where he picked up this bit about sleeping together for a while makes you boyfriend and girlfriend. He’s still a toddler, and we don’t talk about stuff like that at home, so I think the most likely place he could have heard it is at the daycare itself. I don’t know if this is worth raising a fuss over with anyone, or even who to raise it to. Can you give me some outside perspective here?
—Toddlers With Benefits
Dear Toddlers,
I think it’s cute, too, and it has the added hilarity of exposing the telephone game that comes with raising kids who have friends with older siblings.
I really don’t think you need to make a fuss over it, but a casual mention to the teacher would be appropriate. “Larry told me X, and I can’t recall having a conversation like this around him, so he probably got it from one of his classmates. I figured I’d give you a head’s up in case you want to keep your ears open!” Then, share a chuckle with the teacher and move along with your day. This won’t be the first or last time you have to correct the rumor mill, and hopefully, your future misunderstandings will be similarly easy to redirect.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Several months ago, I received an autism diagnosis. I’m a college-educated adult in my 20s, and I work full-time. I continue to live with my parents, though—I don’t do well living on my own, and the ASD diagnosis probably starts to explain why. (I did go away for college; when I lived with others, it was OK, but when I lived on my own for a period, I struggled greatly.)
I see myself continuing to live with parents for a while, as the friends I feel emotionally close enough to live with are in a different part of the state, and I prefer the area I am in (plus it has more employment options for me). Things between my parents and me are mostly fine, but I haven’t told them about my autism diagnosis.
Historically, my parents have been slow to understand and adjust to things I share about myself. When I changed my name, it took them years to use it with any consistency, and they’re still at about 20 percent with my pronouns (this is where a lot of the “mostly” in “mostly fine” comes up). When I’ve shared struggles with them, I’ve often felt that I’ve had to manage their emotions around me, telling them that things are hard or that I’ve been hurt.
In sharing that I’m autistic, my hope is that it would lead to more understanding from them when I say something is difficult or ask for a different approach. I’d also just like my parents to know more about who I am. I worry about their reaction—that they’ll be confused, feel upset or possibly guilty, or not accept the diagnosis. I’ve looked for resources I could pass along to them, but I really haven’t found anything substantial for parents of those who learn they’re autistic in adulthood. Do you have any advice for how I might approach this topic with them? Any resources I could pass along to help their understanding without me being the one to directly walk them through it? And, not being a parent myself, I think I would also appreciate some perspective on a general idea of what this might be like for them.
—Discussing Diagnosis
Dear Diagnosis,
I imagine that you’re learning more about yourself with your new diagnosis, and I share your hope that the same will be true for your parents. I predict that their chief concerns will be, “How will this diagnosis affect or harm you?” and “What is going to change now that you have this diagnosis?” So, as you have your initial and your follow-up conversations, reinforce that this diagnosis is really about better understanding yourself so that you have more tools to be a successful adult. You might also spend some time thinking about the ways your neurodivergence has helped you; a lot of conversation about autism focuses mainly on challenges, or what is called “deficit thinking.” But autism is a multi-faceted thing that usually reaps rewards alongside difficulties, and it might help assuage your parents’ concerns or confusion to understand that.
Be patient though—your parents came of age during a time when autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergences were things people commonly were ashamed of or feared. It may be a slow and steady race before they fully understand what your diagnosis means for you. I’d encourage you to take progress, not necessarily perfection, as a sign of success.
I suggest you focus less on looking for resources for parents, and instead look for things that simply explore autistic adulthood. Even though we all know that parenting doesn’t really stop when a child turns 18, most “parenting” resources are naturally focused on the formative year of a child’s life. At your age, and given the stability you’ve found in your life, you no longer need your parents to fulfill a direct caretaking role. What you need them to be able to do is relate to and respect you. Thus, as you do your own exploring, share any books, articles, or authors whose work resonates with you, and pass those resources along to your parents. Tell them, “This resonated with me, and I hope you’ll read it to better understand me and my experiences.”
In the meantime, I do want to pass along a few places to get started. I think this article from the American Psychological Association provides a nice summary of challenges that autistic adults face, without being gloomy, and also speaks about how little research there is on adult autism. As an added benefit, some of the challenges it mentions are ones you’ve already conquered, so it might make your folks less worried about you and your future. There is also a further reading section with more resources to explore.
My Kid’s Teacher Has Assigned My Son a Project That Will No Doubt Turn Him Into an Incel
Help! Every Year I Devise a Plan to Escape My In-Laws’ Multiday Christmas Extravaganza. They’re Catching On.
I’m Boycotting the Holidays Because My Stepfather Won’t Pay for My Destination Wedding
I Have a Delusional Obsession With an Old Lover. It’s Making Me Do Something Very Bizarre.
Communication and empathy are consistent sources of stress between autistic individuals and their loved ones. This blog provides some concrete tips for perspective-taking, question-asking, and self-advocacy. It might be a great resource for you and your parents to read, and even discuss, as you navigate life with this new aspect of your identity.
Finally, as the saying goes, if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person! This, of course, speaks to the fact that autism is very individualized, and it can be really problematic to understand the characteristics of one autistic person and assume it’s universal for all. So, I really enjoy spaces where you can be exposed to a wide variety of experiences and perspectives, especially when it comes to understanding perspectives on disability and neurodiversity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Reddit provides this in droves, with dozens of communities on that platform dedicated to autism. For a more moderated approach, you might connect your parents with the Association for Autism and Neurodiversity, which offers support groups, discussion forums, and other resources for family members of autistic people. Good luck!
—Allison
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My fiancé and I are big on traveling. Over the years we’ve been together, we’ve enjoyed longer-term trips away (think 3-4 months at a time) and also a stint of living abroad for a couple of years too. Since coming home we’ve realized that we preferred our life abroad (for a number of reasons) and have started exploring options to move back across the world. We both have jobs that can be easily relocated and no house/pets/kids. My MIL has never understood the appeal of traveling and dislikes that we enjoy going away for long trips; and although she tries to be supportive to our faces, we hear from other family members that she talks behind our backs of her disappointment that we haven’t gone down the “traditional” route of marrying, buying a house, having kids etc. When she heard that we are planning to move abroad permanently, it seems she panicked and the next time we saw her she really offloaded her feelings.
