Our son, who is in his late 20s, is happy, independent, and has a good social/support network. He is a musician in a band, teaches music privately, and works part-time in the food industry. We want our child to do what he likes, but we’re worried about his financial future considering he doesn’t have any retirement savings or significant contributions to Social Security. . When I asked him if he had ever considered getting a job with benefits, he opened up. Should I avoid the topic? We have a loving relationship, but he doesn’t call us often, probably because he knows we’re worried.
Anonymous / Chelmsford
If you read your own question out loud, I think you’ll see that I’ve already answered it. You have no control over your adult child’s life other than what you contribute to your relationship with him. And what you are contributing at this moment is pushing him away. Don’t worry about his retirement. Your retirement will happen first. If you want to fulfill your role by spending quality time with your son, you need to shut out the well-intentioned questions.
I saw a bit of internet wisdom the other day that said unsolicited advice is criticism. As a lifelong Yen lover, I’m tempted to certify that word as an eternal love, but there’s certainly a kernel of truth in it – and it speaks volumes about how your son feels. I’m sure I’ve explained it well. He’s winning in life and doing great, but your worries make him feel like a failure, or at least make him think you see him as one. It’s scary.
In fact, he’s doing very well. Let’s look at it from some perspective: 19 percent of men between the ages of 25 and 34 still live with their parents. Only 44 percent of people in your son’s age group are completely financially independent of their parents. Sixty-one percent of people his age suffer from “severe loneliness.” And 58% of young people struggle to find purpose in life. The world of work, money, and wealth is not what it was when we were born. You are sad and worried that he is only scoring 2 points per game while you were scoring over 100 points, but you realize that you are playing basketball and he is playing soccer. I do not admit that I am doing this.
His present looks rosy, but no one knows what his future holds. Between climate change, global conflict, political violence and polarization, and technological advances that upend industries, the future is far less predictable for him than for us. But no matter what happens in Washington DC or Gaza or China or Silicon Valley, people will always need food, music, and friends, and your son knows how to create all three. I would never tell parents not to worry about their children, but don’t burden your children with the emotional burden of worrying. And don’t pity him for the chaotic world he inherited from us. Instead, we should be grateful that he’s getting by and perhaps learn from him. he has the skills.
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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
