gloomy
Deep thoughts on modern family life by Kathryn Jether-Morton.
Illustration: Hannah Bachmann
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My oldest son lives for the afterlife party. On the way home from a gathering or event, he always approaches me from the back seat and says, “So, what did you guys think?” He implored my husband and I to restart our gatherings with the same fervor with which he asks for sneakers and candy. I think he likes this because by evaluating and, yes, judging our experience (3/4 of our family are Virgos, it can’t be helped), I I think it’s because people are reaffirming their own small group identity. From the back seat of the RAV4, he feels the warm embrace of belonging to his family’s tribe as he listens to our thoughts on food and company. Family tribalism can be one of the most enjoyable parts of being human. The stories we tell each other about who we are have the power to transcend generations and ignore the grave. But they can also harden into inflexibility and brutality while or especially when spoken in a spirit of solidarity.
Given that most families I know have spent the past eight years sitting around the dinner table saying Donald Trump nonsense, this human caricature is a perfect example of how this human caricature should be used, especially when it comes to children. seems to be interested in When talking to elementary school students about the election, children of Democratic voters are more rigid in their thinking than children of Republican voters, according to a new research project sponsored by CNN. Children who sympathize with President Trump are more likely to repeat misinformation but are less reluctant to enter the homes of people who disagree with their politics. Children of Democrats had stronger negative reactions to Trump than children of Republicans had to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.
Many of you reading this right now are probably asking yourself, “What’s the problem here?” Is it really harmful to teach children to condemn Donald Trump’s politics and attitudes? Isn’t it the role of parents to teach their children not to trust people who are untrustworthy? How do we talk to children about repressive politics other than the dangerous and cruel reality? Yes, and it is fair to consider when we are teaching them important values of truthfulness and fairness, and when we are simply teaching them to speak in tribal slang.
Tribalistic thinking (or political polarization as it is more commonly known) erodes social cohesion, regardless of which side does it. It hollows out the institutions and services we need, such as libraries, community centers, and schools. The evidence on polarization is plentiful, leading to the conclusion that it’s bad for everyone. I think it’s common to think that those responsible for this problem are our enemies. This is not always the case. Sometimes I worry that left-leaning parents are buying into a tribalistic way of speaking and thinking. One reason is that it feels so good to belong. Maybe we did this to relieve the stress we’ve been enduring with Trump all this time. But this somewhat principled communication style also risks alienating people who could potentially find common purpose, and CNN’s research gives a sense of the downstream effects this has.
Democratic parents have a bit of a Golden Rule problem. We deplore the dehumanizing rhetoric of our opponents, mocking cat ladies, immigrants, and transgender people. So we are often quick to dehumanize our enemies, calling them pure evil and dangerous. We say this in front of our children, but they hear it as part of our story about tribal belonging. We are using words that they vividly understand, even as they repeatedly give them back to us, distorting and exaggerating them into a political narrative that suits Trump himself. You don’t necessarily need to modify them. We whipped up fear and paranoia and wring our hands over our weakening democratic institutions as if we were above the fray. As we hold our breath and approach the final turning point before the election, it is worth determining whether we really want to maintain this situation, regardless of how the election turns out.
A 1960 study on the effects of socialization on children’s political views found that parents influenced their children’s beliefs, but the influence was primarily in the positive direction, including which political parties and politicians they supported. It turned out to be directed. That has changed. In 2023, researchers at Stanford University conducted a new study, this time talking to teenagers. They found that political polarization among teens has increased sharply in the past few decades. This increase is not due to peer influence. This suggests that children in general are becoming more politically active, which I think is good news. It’s not even the internet’s fault. Increased polarization is caused by parents. Today, parents not only teach their children who to like, but also who to hate.
Setting aside differences of opinion during civic meetings or neighborhood coffees has become a form of moral capitulation for some people, and this is largely the result of discussion lizards on social media. It’s because of the pleasure of the brain. The offline interpretation of the phrase “silence is complicity” means that you need to take the lead on where you disagree with someone, rather than trying to find common ground first. This obviously prevents a lot of communication and only works if your opponent isn’t using the same strategy. It’s hard to imagine much of a conversation when two people who disagree approach an encounter with a quick response.
Why would I want to humanize my opponents when they claim to dehumanize my friends and loved ones? First, those of us who enjoy secure privilege (white, cisgender) We owe it to those who don’t to do the messy and sometimes terrifying work of honestly engaging with those whose politics we despise. And if we are parents, we have an obligation to give our children the tools for that communication. No one’s identity absolves us of the responsibility of teaching our children how to think critically about themselves and the world. One thing that means is trying to understand the perspectives of people you disagree with, even if they’re uncomfortable for you.
Family tribalism takes shape where the joy of belonging is strongest: in the back of the car on the way home from a party, during a Sunday football game, a game of Catan, or pizza night. The stories we tell in these places are really memorable, so we might consider changing some of those stories a little. Tribalism can be organized around fear or love. It’s really a matter of what kind of story is being told. Start by reminding your children that, in theory, everyone is welcome in your home, regardless of political affiliation. Pointing out their own biases and poking fun at their own blind spots encourages children to think about their own biases. Showing that you’re the type of family that tries to find common ground, showing patience with difficult neighbors, and being optimistic about community involvement can add up.
I often think about the “In This House We Believe” lawn signs that catalog pandemic-era liberal catchphrases (“Science is real,” “Love is love,” etc.). We also think about how they have always been ripe. The parody is because many people find it a little dull sonically. Of course, I agree with everything written on the sign, but the tidy list of beliefs suggests self-righteous tribalism fabricated in social media silos. Or, to put it another way, it’s as pointless as hanging a Home Goods “Gather Together” sign in your kitchen. Is this some kind of command? Do you expect this sign to force compliance? Influence usually doesn’t work that way.
Tribalism will never go away. We all love to feel like we belong. But with effort, you can change its character and emphasis. When we present our political beliefs to our children as essentially a collection of branded slogans, or a set of rigid dogmas, we realize how much effort we put into becoming politically conscious human beings. And it makes it unclear what you need to pay attention to. Politicians are meant to hold people accountable, not to create cults of personality. When talking to children about who to vote for, you should explain your choices based on what you care about, not what you oppose.
Most of us have loved ones whose beliefs don’t quite align with ours. Children need help seeing beyond the binary of right and wrong. Our biases are often as empirical as they are irrational. Understanding this is not moral relativism, but social intelligence. It feels good to belong to a group, but it also feels good to teach kids how to assess group dynamics.
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