Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
My daughter and niece just turned 12 and are starting puberty. The problem is that while my daughter is growing well and starting to grow physically, my niece has terrible things (baby fat gain, acne, etc.). My niece started bullying her daughter in response. Called her a fool and a slut and tried to cheer up the mean girls. We have already gone to school, removed our daughter from shared classes, and reduced our extended family activities.
My sister doesn’t understand the seriousness of this behavior and makes excuse after excuse. And she was looking at social media and text messages. I’m afraid this will cause a permanent rift in our family. The girls were once best friends. What more can we do?
—The Aunt and the Bully
To the bully’s dear aunt
It’s unfortunate that your sister hasn’t taken steps to address your child’s behavior, but I still think it’s important to communicate (and show) what’s going on so you can’t claim you didn’t know. The school is also aware of this and will have documentation in case the bullying escalates there. For now, I would like to support my child as much as I can. How is she coping with this situation? Can she tell you how she feels? Would it help her at all to talk to a school counselor or therapist? Make her understand that she can always talk to you and that you want to know if anything else comes up. Let’s get it. Bullying can be very damaging to children, and in this case your daughter probably feels betrayed and confused by her once-close cousin.
I understand why you would be concerned about the possibility of a rift in your family. And it’s worth telling your sister that you’d like to avoid it if possible, so that she understands how serious this is. She will also want to do her part to avoid estrangement. you have done your part. I was honest with my family and informed them about the bullying and told them it had to stop. The ball is in their court. If your sister’s child is having serious problems with your child, or something is going on between them that you are not aware of, your sister will understand that too and will help you. You should be trying to communicate with them.
Even if you are actually trying to suppress her or keep making excuses, your focus can remain on your child and her health. It’s not her job to pretend everything is fine at family gatherings or accept bad treatment in order to preserve a relationship in crisis. You can’t control your cousin’s (or sister’s) behavior, but you can try to limit the damage as much as possible, listen to your child, affirm all of their feelings, and let them know that you have their support. can.
I’m really glad that your child told me a little bit about what happened. It’s also good that you still have some empathy for your niece. It’s right to admit that she’s 12 years old and going through something. At this age, she’s (probably) not a monster who can’t change direction. But whether she does so is largely up to her and her parents. You are family, but this is not something you have complete control over. Even if this was just a horrible temporary phase brought on by the onset of adolescence, unless the niece apologizes and somehow shows her daughter that she can trust her again, the two cousins will never be the same again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get that kind of intimacy back. Even if that happens, and your daughter is willing to reconcile, it will still take time to rebuild trust and repair the real damage that has been done to the relationship.
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Dear care and food,
My ex-boyfriend “Tom” and I amicably separated nearly 10 years ago. He spent money like hot water, and I had no choice but to pick up the slack, especially when it came to children. Despite Tom, it was important to me to maintain a close relationship with my children. My wonderful husband and I now serve as godparents to our children. They’re great, but we’re both looking forward to getting to an age where Tom won’t be so involved.
We took his teenage children on a trip to New York City every December. We and the kids love it, but it’s expensive. This year, I had a tragic and expensive miscarriage that required out-of-state medical care. My husband blamed himself and developed depression. He had to take unpaid leave to receive treatment, and his insurance only covered half of the partial hospitalization program. It’s much better now, but there’s very little fun money.
The children are already talking about December. They’re 13, 15, 17, so they can tolerate a certain amount of honesty. Without revealing very personal information, you should tell Tom that you need to pay for the kids or do something small like a local day trip. I’m worried that Tom will promise to pay and then renege on it. My husband says he will back up whatever I choose, but I don’t know how to start. Sharing my miscarriage is raw and my husband’s mental state is a private matter, but I don’t know how to explain that I won’t be able to be generous this year. I still want to meet the kids! You just have to keep it very modest. What script can I use to say this?
—Get in shape in Texas
Dear Tone It Down
Just because your teens can be honest to a certain extent, you don’t need to explain at length to them or to Tom why there’s no trip to New York this year. Your reason is private and you can leave it as is. Actually, I think most of the scripts you need are already in place. I need to keep it low-key this year, so I’m skipping New York. Here are some ideas we have for what you can do instead. ”
Given that it’s terribly rude to ask why you don’t spend more money on your children, Tom shouldn’t have asked much more questions than that. (Almost the only acceptable questions are ones expressing general concern, like “Are you okay?” In that case, you can thank them for your concern and move on.) But even if he asks for details, you won’t. You don’t need to provide anything. You can say it’s personal or don’t need to talk about it further and leave it be.
If I were you, I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell Tom that he had to pay for his transportation to New York or he couldn’t do it. If he really wants to, he can take the kids to New York himself. And it’s natural to worry that he might end up disappointing the kids by promising to cover your trip. When talking to him, focus on the fact that you and your husband still want to visit and spend time with the kids, and that you need to do something different this year. Suggest things you can do without too much stress (like the small day trips you mentioned). You might also want to ask the kids themselves if there’s anything they’d like to see or do with you near home.
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Dear care and food,
My husband and I were both regular sleepers when we were kids. So were our siblings, with the exception of my sister “Chrissy.” As a toddler, Chrissy often slept for only about five hours, and as she grew older, her sleep hours sometimes decreased. It was the 1990s, so her parents decided to let her play quietly in her room when she woke up, but they didn’t let her do any tests. Although 30-year-old Chrissy follows a strict bedtime schedule, she still suffers from severe insomnia, which can cause problems in her daily life. She gave up driving because she feared she wouldn’t be safe on the road. She received a diagnosis of adult autism, which helped her understand herself more deeply. Doctors say there is a link between her autism and insomnia, but they don’t know how to help her sleep. She’s great, but you can see how badly her insomnia is affecting her.
Our eldest is an average sleeper. It’s not easy, but it’s still within normal limits. Our second son “Peter” is 20 months old and as hard as he was as a baby, it’s even worse now. A comfortable night’s sleep is just in the 5-hour range, and behaviors associated with excessive fatigue are regularly observed. Our pediatricians don’t suggest anything other than the recommendations every parent of a young child has heard: “repetition, routine, darkness, minimal stimulation.” When I brought up my family history and autism, she said it was too early and acted as if I was trying to stigmatize the child. I just want to understand what the problem is and help him. I’m not sure if I should see a developmental pediatrician, but due to insurance, I have to get my pediatrician to recommend it, but she is against it. What can you do?
—Tired Toddlers, Tired Parents
Dear, thank you for your hard work.
I don’t think your pediatrician should blame you for asking questions or looking for more answers. Your child is at an age when many children are first tested for autism if parents or pediatricians have concerns.
My wife is lazier than my father, who is the most indifferent and does nothing. But it turns out it’s much worse than that. I had to start saying no to my rich friends’ expensive outings. Her reaction was infuriating. Help! My sister-in-law continues to take advantage of her husband’s unpaid work. Help! My wife keeps sneaking the kids into bed.
That being said, an autism diagnosis is based on a variety of observable social, behavioral, and developmental criteria, and you can’t say your son is experiencing anything other than sleep issues. Not yet. I’m not saying this to minimize these. I’m sure you’re worried, and everything is harder when you’re exhausted. It’s good to know, as there is very likely a medical or developmental reason for your son’s insomnia. However, your child will not be diagnosed with autism because of sleep deprivation. Other behaviors must be present.
If you and your husband notice anything else that concerns you, be sure to consult your pediatrician. Your child’s doctor should be able to listen to you and discuss your child’s health and development without making you feel stupid for asking questions. Maybe she just wanted to reassure you, but if you feel like she’s ignoring your legitimate concerns, you can openly discuss it with her (or Find a new pediatrician if necessary).
Whatever is going on, you seem convinced that the sleep situation is unsustainable for your child and your family. You may also be able to ask for a referral for a sleep study or to a developmental pediatrician or other specialist who can evaluate whether your child is suffering from a sleep disorder. If you truly think your son needs more help dealing with this issue, it’s okay to continue searching for answers and further support, even if there are no other problematic symptoms or behaviors.
—Nicole
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Our 5-year-old child has always had a strong preference for me, his mother. She is great because I have been her main caretaker all my life and when I am working (I am a freelancer) my father takes over the main work. My husband is a great father. Endlessly patient, playful, emotionally available, and cooperative. He’s crushing it. Still, she really likes me.
