When it comes to warnings about kids and smartphones, Jonathan Haidt, author of An Anxious Generation, is determined to get the message across. The social psychologist recently spoke with Prince Harry to further his thoughts on mentally shielding children from technology. We’re also working with psychologist and parenting expert Becky Kennedy (also known as Dr. Becky) to offer support to people who want to follow Mr. Hite’s warnings but don’t know how.
“John and I are very natural complements,” Kennedy, a mother of children ages 7, 10, and 13, told Fortune. Haidt does a great job of explaining the issue of smartphones and social media in a way that resonates with parents, highlighting the transition of children from a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood and the advent of socialization. She says she did it. Social isolation, disrupted sleep, difficulty concentrating, and anxiety.
“But parents say, ‘Okay, so what do we do about this scenario?’ For me, it’s frustrating when in life a problem is named without a solution. I know,” she says. “I just feel anxious.”
That’s where Dr. Becky’s parenting company, Good Inside, comes in, offering a free guide called “5 Strategies for Parents to Liberate an Anxious Generation.”
“I feel like[Hite]has significantly increased the motivation of parents to look for solutions, but the solutions are subtle,” Kennedy said. “It’s on the ground, it’s concrete. It’s doable.”
Her five tips for parents: Know your job, maintain boundaries, give yourself permission to change direction, teach competence as an antidote to anxiety, and collaborate with fellow parents to set smartphone rules. ) are clear and well explained in the guide. , below are some helpful takeaways from Fortune and Dr. Becky’s discussion, including additional perspective.
Why is it difficult to set boundaries?
Kennedy believes “the crux of the problem” is that parents are finding it increasingly difficult to set boundaries. Here’s why: “The cost of not setting boundaries with your kids has never been higher, because not setting boundaries doesn’t mean your kids get an extra ice cream. They start on TikTok at the age of eight.”
She believes that two main reasons make it difficult for parents to set boundaries. The first is simply that parenting in these technologically challenging times is uncharted territory.
“I don’t think parenting came naturally to me,” she says. “But the idea that parenting will become natural in a digital world where all this stuff is available to children is at best a joke, and at worst intentionally makes parents feel bad about themselves. There are courses to learn useful skills like CPR, for example, but there are no courses when it comes to setting boundaries in the digital age.
“So why would we expect to magically absorb that ability? That’s not how any kind of learning works,” she says.
Another reason it’s hard to set boundaries is the effect cell phones have on us as parents, she says. That’s because the more addicted we are to our phones, the more we rewire ourselves for instant gratification and the less tolerant we become of frustration.
“When kids whine, complain, push back, which always happens when we set boundaries, we rely on digital devices to make them feel less satisfied and less at ease. “There’s literally no tolerance for backlash from kids because their expectations are so high,” says Kennedy.
So when we think of saying no and dealing with whining, we think: “‘I have to put up with them being upset, or if they say yes, I can just go back and scroll through something on my phone,'” she explains. “As parents, we’ve lowered our tolerance for frustration, which makes it difficult to set boundaries. And that’s part of the equation that we need to talk about more.” I think so.”
That’s because it doesn’t go away, she says, because no child will ever say, “I feel so safe with you, you’re such a great parent.” Thank you for making a decision for my long-term health. ”
Dr. Becky also told parents: “If you can’t say no to cupcakes, you can’t say no to TikTok.” And you can say no to eating cupcakes, going to bed later, and buying a new T-shirt. “The idea of setting boundaries and tolerating your child’s emotions becomes built into your relationship,” she explains. ”
Fast forward 10 years, and if you didn’t do that, if you said no to TikTok, it’s going to be even harder to start setting those boundaries, she warns. If you start early, “it’s built into the fabric of your relationship.”
Why it’s not too late if you don’t set boundaries early
Just know that if you don’t start taking action early, you’ll “end up just like most people,” says Kennedy. She says the first step to overcoming it is to “forgive yourself.”
“We weren’t ready for something like this,” she says. “The mantra I often tell myself is that the best time to change is always now. I mean, your child is 13, your child is 18, it doesn’t matter. Really. Once you’ve forgiven yourself, what’s the first thing you can do to set boundaries that feel manageable?”
To flex your boundary-setting muscles, Dr. Becky advises parents of teens: “Don’t start on TikTok.” “That’s not realistic,” she says. Instead, start by making sure your child doesn’t sleep with their phone in their room at night.
“For me, that’s a non-negotiable boundary,” she says. “And we can present it in a way that your child knows that we have to set boundaries from a place of protection, not punishment. This is important. We have to set boundaries from a place of protection, not punishment. The same boundary set from a punishment mindset will be perceived very differently.”
She explains that punishment is: This is outrageous. You are not sleeping, you are not responsible. I can’t trust you. ” That’s an approach that can provoke rebellion and anger.
Protection, on the other hand, sounds like this: “We’re on the same team, and one of my jobs is to prioritize safety over immediate short-term comfort and well-being. Slowly we’ll make some changes. They You’ll probably feel uncomfortable… and the first change is where you put your phone when you sleep. I can’t stand having this in your room anymore. I read too much into it. I know it disturbs your sleep. I know it’s annoying. I know you’ll protest. I know you might feel anxious and have trouble sleeping the first few nights. But we’ll get through it all, and we’re on the same team, so I’m sure we’ll get through it.”
Dr. Becky thinks of this exercise as a “boundary hierarchy,” which allows you to try more and more difficult things, like TikTok.
Ultimately, she says, it teaches children perhaps the most important skill in life: resilience.
“Learning how to fight is so important. That’s how you find success,” she says. “The better you are at struggling, but not in a harmful way, the better you are at staying in the moment of struggle, the more resilient you become. So I take that as a guideline. ”
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