If you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard or read the saying over and over again: “It takes a village to raise a child.”
Perhaps you remember Hillary Clinton’s famous “It Takes a Village” speech and the book of the same name. Throughout her political career, she frequently referred to her quest to improve the lives of children. Or watch Facebook’s “Mommy Village” or laugh at one of the more than 50,000 TikTok videos tagged #ittakesavillage that, in theory, could help nurture a new generation of sleep-deprived children. You may have read various stories about the village. Parents are hanging on by a thread.
The concept of this village is amazing! But if you’re a modern parent, you might be wondering, “Where is that?”
“I often hear that it takes a village to raise a child. So do they just show up? Or is there a number for me to call?” a TikTok user asked in a popular 2022 video .
“I realized there was no village,” another mother posted on TikTok
Experts say the traditional village concept of supporting parents – the extended family, community and neighbors all pitching in – is outdated. Some of these include nuclear families in the West living in individual households, living further away from relatives, and changing expectations for grandparents.
Research shows that Millennial parents are more likely to receive advice online than from their parents, feel pressured to be more hands-on and engaged with their children, and are more likely to have conflicts with their parents about parenting. I understand.
All of this creates isolation, experts say. However, the concept of “village” will not disappear, nor will the yearning for it.
“The truth is, the vast majority of parents don’t feel like they have a village of support. They feel very alone in their journey and feel really overwhelmed. I talk to the parents probably every day,” Vanessa Lapointe said. She is a registered psychologist and parenting consultant based in Surrey, British Columbia, and the author of Parenting Right From the Start.
“We were never meant to go through this on our own.”
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Western countries emphasize the nuclear family
A 2023 study of modern hunter-gatherer societies published in the journal Developmental Psychology found that children may be psychologically wired to thrive with high levels of contact and care from multiple people. there is.
“For most of our species’ evolutionary history, mothers probably received far more support than they do in the Western world,” lead author Nikhil Chowdhury, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of Cambridge in the UK, said in a news release last year. ” he pointed out. . ”
As part of his research, Chaudhary observed the Mbenjele Bayaka hunter-gatherers of the Republic of Congo. There, children often had ten or more caretakers. In this population, at least 40 to 50 percent of the child’s care was “sibshiped,” that is, by a caregiver who was not the child’s mother.
Mbenjele camp in the Congo rainforest is seen in this photo taken by evolutionary anthropologist Dr Nikhil Chaudhary from the University of Cambridge, UK. He found that children in camps often had multiple caregivers who were not their parents. (Nikhil Chaudhary)
“The level of intimacy and close care was very high, with the children virtually never being left alone and spending long periods of time in physical contact, close attention, and being held,” Chaudhary said. said the co-authors in the research paper.
But it’s by no means the norm. According to Statistics Canada, only 9 per cent of Canadian census children aged 0 to 14 live in households with at least one grandparent.
“Informal support has always been important, but the Western emphasis on the nuclear family has ignored or downplayed the role of kinship,” said Yue Qian, an associate professor of sociology at the University of British Columbia. I specialize in family research.
On top of that, there’s also geography. Some international studies have shown declining intergenerational proximity, meaning many adults no longer live near their parents, and that socio-economic factors such as affluence and education are widening the gap. Some studies have found that.
Villages are “scattered and fragmented”
According to the Vanier Family Institute, an independent think tank based in Ottawa, multi-generational households are indeed on the rise, but they have never been the dominant living type here.
The institute noted that indigenous and immigrant households, “two rapidly growing population groups,” are more likely to live in multigenerational households. The institute’s 2024 Family Size Report says some of this may be due to housing prices, noting that the system has enabled grandparents to care for their grandchildren.
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Still, for the majority of Canadians, “villages don’t exist,” says Rania Tofaily, an associate professor in the department of sociology and anthropology at Carleton University.
As the rising cost of living makes raising children more expensive, parents, especially mothers, are expected to be devoted to their children and help them reach their full potential. All of this “often puts parents under a lot of stress,” she says.
A 2022 research paper published in the journal Frontiers in Public Health says, “Today in many countries, villages are scattered and fragmented, and individuals are increasingly isolated, unable to seek help or seek help from others.” They have become reluctant to offer help to others.”
The U.S. Surgeon General’s August report on modern parenting stress recommends fostering connections between parents to combat loneliness and isolation.
But that’s difficult when many families no longer live with extended family members and live in crowded urban areas where they are expected to be on the go and always “on,” Lapointe said. I did.
result? “We will never grow a village, we will just disappear into the mists of time.”
Most parents today feel lonely and isolated, according to a recent report on parental stress by the U.S. Surgeon General. (Ben Nelms/CBC)
What about grandparents?
In Canada, Tofaily says there is still an expectation that grandparents will support their grandchildren. However, she points out that it is not as strong as it used to be, and the scope of this support varies depending on geographic proximity, the grandparents’ work and health status, and their relationship with their children.
“This has to do with our busy lives, our preoccupation with our own affairs, and the rise of individualism,” Tofaily said.
Business Insider and the Daily Mail reported last year that Millennials say their parents would rather travel than take care of their grandchildren, while other articles said Boomers are “apathetic” and don’t care for their children or grandchildren. “I abandoned him,” he claims.
As more millennials have children later in life, their grandparents are also older than previous generations. (Lightfield Studio/Shutterstock)
But as some have pointed out, a lot has changed since Millennials were kids. Statistically, your grandmother is more likely to have been a housewife, while baby boomers are not only more likely to be working outside the home, they are also more likely to retire later.
Additionally, as more Millennials have children later in life, their grandparents are also older than previous generations. According to Statistics Canada, the proportion of mothers aged 35 or older rose from 10.7% in 1993 to 26.5% in 2023.
But as older people live longer and have better health, grandparents are now able to care for their grandchildren and help their parents, said UBC’s Qian.
“When divorce rates rise, single-parent households increase, work-family policies are less favorable, job insecurity is high, and income losses are unpredictable and common, “This form of support from grandparents can be particularly important,” she said.
Still, parents who don’t have support from grandparents or others often feel completely overwhelmed, said Lapointe, a psychologist and parenting consultant, despite often lacking social support. , points out that expectations are high.
“It’s a really strange time to be raising a family.”
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Cross Country Checkup1:52:16Which parenting issue causes the most stress for your family?
For many of us, the most important role is that of a parent. It’s also one of the most challenging. It’s no wonder, then, that the US Surgeon General recently issued a warning about the potential damage parenting can do to mental health. Which parenting issue is the most stressful for your family? How has the way you were raised influenced the way you parent today?
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