While waiting for a parent-teacher conference for my then-second-grader, I caught sight of his “About Me” poster hanging on the wall. Below the usual facts—older sibling, two cats, gymnast—he’d written in wobbly letters, My parents are divorced. That is sad for me.
It felt like a gut punch. My ex and I had separated when our kids were 2 and 5 and divorced a year later. Since then, we’d spent every birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas together, along with countless family dinners. What’s more, we were all preparing to go to New York for their father’s wedding—myself included. My ex and I got along well. We never fought in front of the kids. Hadn’t I done everything right?
That was 10 years ago. Looking back, I still think the answer is mostly yes. And yet, it’s also true that having divorced parents has shaped my kids in ways I couldn’t appreciate back then. Some are amazing (they have a wonderful stepmother and two half-brothers we all adore) and some less so. My oldest child, Grace*, now 20, recently recalled how lonely it was being one of the few kids with divorced parents at our military-heavy elementary school in Alexandria. “There was a huge focus on the nuclear family,” Grace said, “and I just couldn’t relate to that.”
While there’s no way to prevent divorce from affecting children, there are ways to minimize lasting harm. Lisa Herrick, a D.C.-based clinical psychologist who frequently works with couples in Arlington, says that while divorce is almost always sad for kids, it needn’t leave scars if parents handle it the right way. “I don’t minimize the impact of divorce—it’s huge,” she says, “but it’s important to know that you have the power to protect your children.”
Careful Untethering
In the United States, about 43% of first marriages end in divorce, according to the Centers for Disease Control, and 50% of all children will go through a divorce. By the time parents have decided that breaking up is the best option for them—often after years of stress and unhappiness—they may assume the next step is to tell the kids. But experts urge parents to first make some key decisions around what their family life will look like in the near term.
“It’s helpful to have a little bit of a vision of what’s going to happen (that you can share with) the children,” says Herrick. Even older kids will benefit from having at least a loose framework and some idea of what’s coming next.
Some divorcing parents are able to do this without outside help. When Arlington resident Ava* and her then-husband decided in 2019 that their marriage wasn’t working, they waited about four months to tell their three children, who were in elementary, middle and high school. In the interim, they found an apartment and ironed out how they’d start sharing parenting time.
Once they broke the news, they took turns staying in the apartment while the other parent was with the kids in the family home—an arrangement called “nesting.” It worked well for about eight months, when Ava found a nearby home for sale and jumped at the chance to have her own place.
“Nesting is a great, child-focused short-term solution,” says Christian Lapham, a family law attorney at the Arlington firm Bean, Kinney & Korman. It allows both parents to remain close—and it’s less disruptive for children. Staying put in the same house means they don’t have to worry about accidentally leaving their homework at Dad’s, or their flute at Mom’s, or discovering at bedtime that they don’t have their favorite stuffed animal.
“I don’t think it’s a long-term solution,” Lapham says, “particularly when people get involved with significant others. But as an interim solution for six to 12 months, it’s great.”
To formalize their divorce, Ava and her spouse hired a mediator—a trained professional (often an attorney) who works with both parties to come to a settlement agreement outside of court—and found they were aligned on most issues.
The split was “very cordial,” Ava says. She and her former husband still take the kids on family vacations together and continue to share a bank account for kid-related expenses.
Of course, not all divorces are quite so harmonious. Couples who are experiencing more conflict may want to hire a parenting coordinator—a sort of couples’ therapist for divorcing parents.
Notably, every expert interviewed for this story urged parents to try to stay out of court, a process that often turns out to be expensive, time-consuming and exhausting. According to Lapham, the average cost of a contested divorce in this area (one that lands in court) is between $125,000 and $300,000, versus $5,000 to $20,000 for mediation. Divorce attorneys are professionally obligated to fight for the best outcome for their clients, which can ramp up the acrimony and exacerbate stress on everyone in the family. And when a divorce case goes to trial, the outcome is ultimately in the hands of a family court judge.
The average cost of a contested divorce in the DMV (one that lands in court) is between $125,000 and $300,000, versus $5,000 to $20,000 for mediation.
“When things get hard, it’s really easy to say, ‘Well, we’re just going to let a judge decide,’ ” says Ellice Halpern, founder of Little Falls Mediation in Arlington. “But we have no control over what the judge is going to do. And so I’ll say to people: ‘You’re the experts on this dispute. Don’t give away your power.’ ”
Lapham concurs. “Nobody is in a better position to resolve these issues than the parents themselves,” he says. “They know what’s going to work best for their family.”
Another option that’s gained popularity of late is collaborative divorce. In this scenario, each parent has their own attorney, but everyone signs an agreement to stay out of court. Sometimes a parenting coordinator or child psychologist is in the mix. Some couples hire professional divorce coaches who may also be financial planners, mental health professionals, lawyers or mediators.
As Herrick puts it: “You have a team of people, and we’re all sort of rowing in the same direction. Our focus is not getting as much as we can for one client or the other—as much money or as much time with the children. Our focus is really what is going to work best for your family.”
This is true even in divorces that are less than amicable. “It’s not necessarily all warm and fuzzy,” Herrick says. “People go into (mediation or collaborative divorce) even when they’re furious or betrayed or angry or mistrustful. But it’s still a much better process than duking it out in court or with litigating lawyers.”
Even if it’s painful, negotiating out of court has the upside of preparing parents to work together as their kids’ needs change over time. In the months and years after the divorce, co-parents may find themselves navigating unforeseen physical and mental health conditions, disciplinary challenges or academic concerns around their kids, as well as happier considerations like college planning, weddings and grandchildren.
As Lapham tells his clients: “You’ve got a lifetime of issues to sort through with this other person. If you can get it right (in the beginning), it’s going to give you positive momentum moving forward.”
Illustration by Claire Goode
The Parenting Plan
No matter which process parents choose to settle their differences, they will ultimately have to file a marital settlement agreement with a family court. This legal document covers financial matters such as alimony, child support and the division of property, as well as a parenting plan.
Parenting plans aren’t just about custody. They include specifics such as where the children will sleep each night, and how holidays, birthdays, vacations and other special occasions will be handled.
In recent decades, joint custody has become much more common. One study published in the peer-reviewed social sciences journal Demographic Research noted that joint custody rates rose from 13% in 1985 to 34% in 2014, with even higher rates among more affluent couples. Many Northern Virginia parents opt for 50-50 joint custody, according to the experts in this story.
Are there best practices around shared parenting? A lot depends on the ages of the kids. For very young children, Herrick, the clinical psychologist, says being away from either parent for more than a few nights can be too much. She recommends a rotating 2-2-3 schedule in which parent A has the kids, say, Monday and Tuesday; parent B has them Wednesday and Thursday; and then parent A has them Friday through Sunday. The following week, the schedule flips. This ensures that youngsters are never away from either parent for more than three nights.
The main downside of this approach is that it involves frequent transitions, which can be emotionally and logistically difficult for both kids and parents, especially in the early days of separation and divorce.
Once children are in elementary school and involved in activities, consistency becomes the higher priority. Families in this life stage may prefer a 2-2-5 plan, in which parents always have the kids on set weekdays, but alternate weekends. This structure establishes a predictable weekly routine and allows the kids to have longer stretches of time with each parent.
By middle school and high school, alternating weeks is common. Teens can tolerate being away from one parent for a longer stretch of time, and they may dislike the hassle of constantly switching households. Plus, there are more opportunities at this age for parents to stay involved outside the home by attending events like sports and arts performances.
Sometimes parents naturally fall into certain roles. “I had a case where Dad’s thing was he loved taking the three kids to their different soccer games and practices,” mediator Halpern says. “Mom was always welcome to come to practices and games, too. But that was something he loved doing, and Mom loved it because it gave her a break.”
In families with several children, kids may have different needs based on their ages and personalities that warrant a divide-and-conquer approach. “A lot of parents have the instinct that, ‘We don’t want to split up the kids,’ ” notes Herrick, “and that’s a good instinct. It can be very comforting to be traveling with your sibling.” At the same time, she says, it’s also nice for each child to get some alone time with a parent. “One-on-one time is like gold for children.”
Illustration by Claire Goode
New Traditions
When it comes to holidays and special occasions, every family charts its own course. Until a few years ago, when my oldest started college, my kids and I always spent holidays as a family with their dad. Those gatherings also included whichever extended family members were in town—and eventually, their dad’s new wife and her family.
“Sure, I guess it would have been nice to have two Christmases,” says my oldest child, Grace, “but having everyone together was more meaningful.”
For Sarah*, an Arlington mother of two teens whose divorce was more contentious, every holiday and birthday is spelled out in the parenting plan—in some cases down to the number of hours—but she and her ex have found flexibility within that framework.
She cites the example of her most recent birthday, when she was technically entitled to have the kids for four hours, even though it was their dad’s week. “That just seemed miserable,” she says. She opted to celebrate the occasion on another day when they could all relax and enjoy their time together without being rushed.
Come the holiday season, Sarah and her former spouse decided their kids would spend Thanksgiving with him and Christmas with her. That plan has worked well for their family, but younger children might find such an arrangement confusing, cautions Herrick, the clinical psychologist.
“Kids might wonder why you never want to have them on Thanksgiving,” Herrick says. “Don’t give up a holiday to be nice or because you don’t care about it, unless you’ve really thought through how it’s going to feel for your children.” Kids appreciate the opportunity to create traditions with both parents, she offers.
Of course, much of this advice works best when divorced parents live relatively close to each other. That’s the ideal scenario.
“What I’ve seen not work well is when one parent moves farther away—even if it’s only 10 or 15 miles—and the child is expected to go there on the weekends,” says Matt Levine, a family therapist and founder of Summit Counseling in Arlington. “They have no friends in that area.”
It’s important for kids to feel at home wherever they are, and not like overnight guests.
Whatever the living arrangements, it’s important for kids to feel at home wherever they are, and not like overnight guests. When Sarah and her husband separated, her oldest child (then in high school) accompanied her to open houses and helped Sarah choose her new home.
Ava took her three kids shopping to select new bedding and towels, and she bought duplicates of the family’s favorite board games to keep in her new house. She also shopped on Etsy for decor from different decades so that everything in the house wasn’t brand-new. “It helped the place feel lived in,” she says.
Parallel Parenting
Low-conflict co-parenting during and after divorce may be the goal, but it isn’t always possible. What’s best for the kids when the dynamic between parents is more volatile? This is where an approach called parallel parenting can be invaluable.
In parallel parenting, explains Andrea Andrews, a resident counselor at Seven Corners Psychotherapy, “one parent might have a totally different set of rules around bedtime, meals, and what they expect for academics or sports. For the other parent it might look totally different. But the kid at least knows what to expect. There’s consistency: This is how it is at Mom’s house; this is how it is at Dad’s house.
“I think a lot of parents feel pushed into co-parenting,” Andrews continues, “but there’s something to be said for parallel parenting for parents who are really high conflict. You don’t want to put children in the middle of that.”
Parallel parenting has worked well for Sarah, whose relationship with her ex is still strained. “We rarely have to communicate aside from the occasional text or email,” she says. Some families use apps like OurFamilyWizard that include family calendars, messaging tools and expense tracking so parents can share information in a neutral place.
Keeping hand-offs between parents calm and conflict-free is important for kids. Timing them around normal school drop-offs and pickups can be effective. Sarah, whose family follows a week on/week off parenting schedule, has found that Fridays are an ideal transition day for everyone.
“Sundays were just too emotional,” she explains, “but everyone is happy on Friday afternoons.” The Friday switch also gives each parent a full weekend—either for activities with the kids or to relax on their own.
With parallel parenting, Andrews clarifies, parents may not always know everything that’s happening in the other home—and that’s OK. Asking children to report back “can make the kids feel uncomfortable. It can also make the other parent feel like they’re under a microscope.”
What if your ex does something that pushes your buttons or reopens an old wound? Resist the temptation to criticize the other parent or share details about the split with the kids. “You’re going to have feelings, and not all those feelings are always going to be good,” Andrews acknowledges. “We have to really think about respecting and honoring ourselves, our co-parent, and our child by not airing and putting our feelings onto our kids.”
Levine agrees. “The parent has to be this stronger, wiser attachment figure that the child needs during a divorce,” he advises. “If you’re telling your child (inappropriate) stuff about the relationship, then you’re reversing roles, which is really damaging to the kid. It creates mistrust about the parent who said it, and also mistrust of the other parent as well.”
That doesn’t mean you have to swallow your emotions. Just choose your sounding boards wisely. Perhaps try therapy. “Parents have to resource themselves. They have to take good care of themselves and how they present,” therapist Levine says. If a parent is anxious, kids will notice.
“Parents will try to hide their feelings,” Andrews adds, “but kids are really, really smart and they know when we’re pretending.”
After his divorce, Keith*, an Arlington dad, made a conscious effort to rebuild his own circle of friends and informal support network. “Sometimes (dads’) social lives have been run by their partners,” he says, and “when they find themselves outside of that relationship, they don’t really have a social network to fall back on.”
Keith also prioritized self-care: “It’s difficult to go through a divorce without a significant amount of rebuilding, and I don’t think men in particular are very good about acknowledging that.” He started therapy, took up meditation and carved out time to relax. “I’ve gotten more massages in the last seven years than I did in the previous seven years,” he says.
Therapy can be helpful for children, too—especially if tensions are high. Two of Ava’s kids went to therapy for a time, and she made sure all three knew it was available. “Even if you don’t take your parent up on it, at least you know that you’re not completely being left alone,” she says. “You have an option if you want it.”
Illustration by Claire Goode
Moving Forward
Once the divorce is final, it may feel like the hardest part is over. But as kids get older and their needs change, the parenting plan may need to evolve.
Keith’s son was a toddler when he and his ex-wife parted ways. Issues like screen time weren’t even on their radar. It’s not uncommon for divorced parents to return to mediation or consult with a parenting coordinator as new issues arise. “That’s something that nobody talks about when you’re getting divorced,” he says. The marital separation agreement covers “your assets, your money, child support, custody. That’s it. It’s really just a narrow lens of what you’re going to have to navigate.”
Speaking from experience, he advises parents to check in with each other regularly—in person or over the phone, if possible—to assess how their child is doing and address any new issues that have come up, academically, developmentally or socially. “So much gets locked up in texts that are not actually productive,” he says.
Another major milestone is when one or both parents start dating again. How and when should you introduce new partners to your children? Many experts recommend waiting at least six to 12 months.
“Don’t jump into any serious new relationships…where the kids feel like they’re forced to be around or like this person,” Levine advises. Understand that it’s normal for a child to be hesitant about a parent’s new partner. It’s a reminder that the family has changed, and the parent has moved on.
“Don’t try to force a relationship with stepmom or stepdad,” he cautions. “If you honor who they want to have a relationship with, (you show) the child, ‘I value and respect what you want. If you don’t want to be close with this person, I get that.’ ”
How and when should you introduce new partners to your children? Many experts recommend waiting at least six to 12 months.
Under the right circumstances, stepparents can be a wonderful addition to a child’s life. That has certainly been true in my family. “In some ways I’m grateful for the divorce,” says my oldest. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have my stepmom and my two little brothers.”
When I told my kids’ stepmom, Lisa, about this article, she reminded me that when she first came into my kids’ lives, I assured them it was OK to be friends with her, and that doing so wasn’t a betrayal. From my perspective, having another adult around who cared about my kids could only be a plus.
“It made such a big difference,” Lisa says. “I could tell that Grace, especially, felt conflicted. You gave the kids permission to like me.”
A few months ago, I drove down to Richmond to attend a birthday party for my kids’ youngest half-brother. When I arrived, the birthday boy, 4-year-old Leo, jumped into my arms, eager to tell me about his Spider-Man cake. His older brother, 7-year-old Joe, gave me an animated tour of the train cars (we were at a science museum) and challenged me to a race.
I’ve been part of these kids’ lives since they were born—something that wouldn’t be possible had I not maintained a good relationship with my ex and his wife. It’s a friendship that some find hard to fathom. I’ll admit it’s certainly not something I could have imagined 15 years ago, amid the pain of divorce and the fear of what my new life would hold.
Although it’s not what anyone hopes for when they get married, divorce is sometimes unavoidable. It’s almost always sad. But it’s also survivable and can pay unexpected dividends as parents and kids adapt and grow.
“The process kind of forces you into figuring a lot of things out that should help you be a more resilient, thoughtful person,” Ava says. For couples who are just now deciding to separate, she offers this assurance: “Know that (resilience and clarity) can be part of your future, even if it’s just a faith process for now.”
If parents are intentional and careful, the kids will be OK, too.
“There are millions of people whose parents are divorced who have thrived and they’re functioning great,” Herrick says. “And I don’t even mean their parents were (models) for divorce. They were just relatively cooperative and communicative, the kids were allowed to love them both, and the kids had a really nice life in both homes. They’re very well-adjusted. They’re not damaged.”
How to Tell the Kids
Clinical psychologist Lisa Herrick offers a guide to telling your kids about the divorce on her website. Here are a few of her tips:
Plan to talk to the kids together a few weeks before the separation. Pick a quiet time when you feel able to remain calm. The beginning of a weekend can be a good time because it gives the kids a few days to process.
Consider letting your child’s teachers know a day in advance so that they are prepared if the child is upset or acts out at school.
Be prepared to share the basics of what will happen next. Who will move out and when? Where will they go? How will you share parenting time? It’s OK not to know every detail.
Stress that the kids are not to blame for the separation and can’t do anything to stop it from happening.
Let them know it’s normal to have a wide range of feelings. Encourage them to feel free to express any emotions they are feeling to you.
Emphasize that even though the family structure is changing, you are still a family and will help each other get through this.Check in again a few days after the initial conversation to answer any questions kids have and allow them to express any feelings they’re having.
A Few Key Terms
Child specialist: Often engaged during a collaborative divorce, a child specialist meets with parents and children to provide guidance in creating a parenting plan or assessing how well an existing plan is working. Most are mental health professionals with training in child development.
Collaborative divorce: In a collaborative divorce, each party has their own attorney, but signs an agreement that they will resolve their differences out of court. Financial advisors, child specialists and divorce coaches may also be part of the process.
Co-parenting: In a co-parenting relationship, parents who are no longer married or partnered work cooperatively to raise their children. A good co-parenting relationship features minimal conflict and open communication between parents.
Divorce coach: A divorce coach supports and guides individuals through the divorce process. Divorce coaches may have a variety of backgrounds, including mental health, financial planning, and law or mediation.
Mediator: A neutral third party who helps divorcing couples resolve their dispute outside of the court system. Mediators undergo a certification process and often have a legal background.
Nesting: A housing arrangement in which the kids stay in the family home full time and the parents move in and out during their custodial time. Parents either have separate homes where they live during “off” periods or sometimes opt to share a house or apartment.
Parallel parenting: An alternative to co-parenting for divorced parents who find interactions with each other stressful or high conflict. Under this arrangement, parents minimize contact with each other, but stay involved in their children’s lives. Each may have their own separate household rules and routines.
Parenting coordinator: A parenting coordinator (PC) may be appointed by a judge in a high-conflict divorce or hired privately as a consultant. The PC’s role is to help parents negotiate a parenting plan that is in the best interest of the kids. PCs are often mental health professionals, and many are trained as child specialists and divorce coaches.
Parenting plan: A plan that divorcing parents file with the court as part of their marital separation agreement. The plan details who will have physical and legal custody of the kids, how birthdays and other special occasions will be handled, child support and other financial arrangements, how the parents will communicate with each other and other practical aspects of parenting.
Sources: custodyxchange.com, psychologytoday.com, vacollaborativepractice.com, vamediation.org
Helpful Resources
BOOKS
Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, by Roger Fisher and William Ury
Raising the Kid You Love With the Ex You Hate, by Edward Farber
The Good Divorce and We’re Still Family, by Constance Ahrons
PODCASTS
Divorce on Planet Earth
Divorce Survival Guide
WEBSITES
Virginia Bar Association Guide to Divorce in Virginia
Bean, Kinney & Korman: Divorce Tool Kit
Virginia Bar Association Low-Cost Consultation
*Some pseudonyms have been used for privacy.
Robyn Gearey, MSW, is a writer and therapist at River Grove Therapy in Alexandria. She can be reached at robyngtherapy@gmail.com.
