Within reason, it is up to each person how they raise their children. Of course, families may be able to exchange ideas from time to time, but it’s mostly up to the child’s parents to decide on the rules and customs that govern daily life. Anything else is beyond the limit.
But one grandmother is worried about how her son and daughter-in-law are raising their grandchildren. She believes her children are very strict, from their meals and schedules to the toys they are allowed to play with, and took to Mumsnet to voice her concerns.
More information: Mumsnet
How parents raise their children is up to them, but this grandmother has some concerns.
Image credit: nensuria / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She has a long list of grievances, ranging from her parents’ strictness about what and when they can feed their grandchildren.
Image credit: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
She says her granddaughter isn’t allowed to do boyish things like play soccer or play with toy cars.
Image credit: Cottonbro Studio / Pexels (not actual photo)
She also worries that her grandchildren’s schedules are so busy that her youngest always seems exhausted.
Image credit: Elisor
Grandma turns to the internet and asks if her concerns about the couple’s extreme parenting style are unreasonable
OP starts the story by telling the community that she hasn’t told anyone about her concerns and won’t unless someone thinks she should. She went on to explain that her youngest son has two daughters, ages 3 and 5, whose mother is Russian. She added that her eldest son also has children and quickly learned not to stick his nose in when it comes to raising children.
Her first complaint is her granddaughter’s diet. She says that even though she is thin and doesn’t exercise much, her skinny stepdaughter is very strict when it comes to carbohydrates and basically bans them from her children’s diet. OP says she has never heard of children having dietary restrictions unless necessary.
Next, OP focuses on her granddaughters’ hectic schedules. Apparently the 3-year-old has swimming twice a week, three days at nursery, Russian lessons on Saturdays, ballet twice a week, and weekly tennis lessons on top of that. OP says she’s always exhausted when she sees her 3-year-old.
OP goes on to bring up the fact that her parents are very strict with their granddaughter and are quick to scold her for laughing too much or letting out more than one toy at a time. Additionally, their mother doesn’t let them do any boyish things like play soccer, play in the mud, or play with toy trucks.
At the end of her post, she asks readers if something like this is worth worrying about, or just a very extreme parenting style.
Given that OP and her children were born in different eras and have different parenting styles, some conflict is inevitable when it comes to how best to raise grandchildren. Perhaps OP would do well to familiarize herself with the main types of parenting styles so she can better understand how and why her children do things the way they do before saying anything. Probably.
In an article for the Mayo Clinic, Candace Nelson writes that there are four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. Parents don’t have to stick to one style. It’s natural to use different styles depending on the situation.
Image credit: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Authoritative parenting is generally recognized as an ideal parenting style that combines warmth and flexibility while letting children know that their parents are ultimately in charge. Children of authoritative parents know what is expected of them because their parents patiently explain the reasons for the rules and the consequences of ignoring them.
Forgiving parents take pride in being their child’s best friend. They are warm, caring and always have open communication. They also take an active role in their children’s emotional well-being, setting low expectations and using discipline sparingly. Permissive parents allow their children to make their own choices, but help them if the outcome doesn’t work out.
Authoritarian parents use strict rules, high standards, and swift punishment to shape their children’s behavior. They have high expectations for their children and are rarely flexible with them. Children of authoritarian parents are good at following directions and are usually well behaved.
Finally, neglectful parents meet their children’s basic needs but pay little attention to them. They provide little nurturing and tend to have few expectations or limits for their children. It’s not necessarily by their conscious choice, but by circumstances such as the need to work late, single parenting, mental health issues, or general family discord. may be triggered.
According to an article in Psychology Today, recent research shows that in some families, parental styles, especially when it comes to maintaining control over children, can make children more vulnerable to emotional abuse from future partners, employers, etc. It has been suggested that this is possible.
Researchers have found that people who grow up with parents who maintain strict psychological control over them grow up to be especially vulnerable to emotionally abusive partners. However, that effect appeared to be offset by the child experiencing emotional warmth from the other parent.
Per the OP’s post, the parents could probably loosen up a bit, but given that the kids are so well behaved, it might be best to loosen the strictness in stages so as not to disrupt the kids’ environment too much. I don’t know.
Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Francine Seltzer, a child and family psychologist and Clinical Director of Mental Health and Testing Services at Manhattan Psychology Group, to get her take on the situation.
When we asked her what she thought about Grandma’s concerns, she said: Rather, they seem to stem from differences in parenting styles. ”
Zeltzer continues. “But when you look at it together, it’s understandable why the grandmother would feel anxious, especially if she brings up her children differently and is confident in her approach.” It can be uncomfortable for parents to see contrasting views with their own experiences and may cause them to reconsider their choices.”
Zeltzer added that the first step to addressing your concerns is to emphasize that different parenting is not necessarily right or wrong, just different. There is no instruction manual for children, and there is no one “right” way to raise them. What works for one family may not work for another, and what works for one child may not work for another, even within the same family.
“Based on previous accounts, it appears that the children’s basic needs are being met and that they are not being neglected or abused. She may feel like she’s missing out on food or snacks, but it’s clear that her children are being fed and cared for in a way that is different from the way she chose.” Zelzer added.
We asked Dr. Seltzer what one piece of advice she would give to future grandmothers.
“I would encourage grandmothers to focus on what their sons and daughters-in-law are doing well and be aware of how their grandchildren are developing. By focusing too much on concerns, you can focus on the positives. This is a common cognitive distortion. For example, OP says that her grandson is one of the best-behaved children she’s ever met. “If the opposite were true and they were behaving badly, she probably would have had a completely different concern,” Zeltzer says.
Zeltzer concluded, “At the end of the day, there is no such thing as perfect parenting. I encourage grandmothers to embrace the positive aspects and enjoy this time in their lives.” After all, she doesn’t need to be the disciplinarian anymore! ”
What do you think about OP’s concerns? Should she speak up or risk damaging relationships with everyone involved? Let us know what you think in the comments!
In the comments, readers agree that grandmothers should keep their parenting ideas to themselves or risk falling out with their parents and not seeing their grandchildren. It seems so.
The post The grandmother’s parenting of her son and DIL seems to be “too extreme” for her, and she’s wondering if she should speak out first appeared on Bored Panda.