In this week’s Moncrief Parenting Corner, a parent writes to ask for help for their 6-year-old boy.
The child is 18 months older than her twin brother and sometimes gets “very angry.”
“There are periods when things seem to get better, and then there are times when things seem to get worse again,” the parent wrote.
“It’s usually triggered by something one of the twins did or I had to share my attention with them.
“We have a good routine and I use an egg timer to build in one-on-one time with them every day, but no matter what I do, he always seems to want more.
“Over the past few months, his outbursts have become more violent and unpredictable.”
The parent added that he had to “physically restrain” his brother to stop him from kicking and punching him.
advice:
Joanna said it must have been difficult to deal with the age difference between her and her younger siblings.
“He only had you to himself for a short time, and then he had to share you with not one baby, but two babies, and the demands of twins,” she said. spoke.
“Maybe he always has this feeling that these two people got in the way of my wonderful life.”
“When talking about his outbursts, always keep in mind that developmentally we shouldn’t expect children under the age of 7 to self-regulate.
“In other words, we don’t expect them to be able to calm themselves, control their emotions, and work things out on their own. They can’t do that.”
This means that parents need to set good examples for their children to emulate and help them settle down.
“My understanding is that when you restrain him, you physically hold him so he doesn’t hurt anything, but try not to talk too much,” she said.
“Think of that hug as, ‘I’m going to protect you, and I’m going to hold you until you calm down, and I’m going to rock you gently.'”
“If he feels like you’re physically restraining him, his body will be pulled towards you…That might be fine when they’re 6 years old, but if he feels like he’s physically restraining him… When you get bigger and stronger, it doesn’t work.”
relationship between siblings
Joanna added that there was likely “a bit of sibling rivalry as well.”
“We only have one class at school between us,” she said.
“You say it’s usually triggered by something that one of the twins did or you had to share your attention with them.
“I think that’s the crux of this whole issue in the first place, but we can identify a pattern of what’s causing him.
“It’s great to get that one-on-one time in every day, which is great with three kids who are so close in age.
“If you say you’re using an egg timer, make sure the focus of your one-on-one time is on him and not on the egg timer.
“So if you look at it another way, you might have something in your pocket that tells you the time.
“If you can, try not to be too strict, because if he’s only focused on the passage of time, he’s not actually with you.”
“These are very serious words.”
Joanna said she was struck by his use of the word “violent” to describe his actions.
“The letter says he has had angry outbursts, which is to be expected for a child of his age, but over the last few months his anger has become more violent and unpredictable,” she said. said.
“The word ‘violent’ is a very serious word, a very strong word, and the unpredictability moves away from the pattern, so you can’t pinpoint what’s going on.”
Joanna recommended that he seek help from a psychotherapist who could provide deeper insight into his behavior.
Main image: Angry child. Photo credit: Alamy.com
