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Dear care and food,
A few weeks ago, my son got married. At the beginning of the wedding planning, I told my son and his fiancée that I was going to give him and his wife $5,000 for their wedding (I know costs have gone up, so I’m going to give them two years) (That’s $1,000 more than the amount I gave my daughter earlier). no strings attached. Around that time, our son told us that his future in-laws would be “supportive” but would not commit to the numbers, although they would ultimately match what we gave them. Ta. My son and his current wife are fresh out of college and have decent jobs, but they don’t have a lot of savings. I commend them for not overdoing it and trying to stay within their means. My wife and I also helped with quite a bit of legwork and organization, since my son and then-fiancée don’t live in our town (their hometown). We paid them an additional $1,000 as a wedding gift and agreed (with their permission) to use it for the down payment and other incidentals related to the wedding.
According to his son, his fiancée’s parents were disappointed that the wedding plans were getting closer to the date. The bride’s friend works at a cookie shop and paid for the cookies to be served at the reception. The in-laws said they had to let their daughter have a wedding cake, and when the daughter said they couldn’t afford a wedding cake, the parents said they would buy it. Because they didn’t want to spend money on a limousine, they were supposed to drive their own car from the church to the reception, but their father said that would be “uncool” and hired a limousine. The party was scheduled to end at 11 p.m., but the bride’s father said the party had gotten so popular that he paid for the staff and DJ to stay an extra hour, as well as a third keg (and it wasn’t “cheap”). He said he paid it. his words). In my opinion, the bride’s father is a “keep up with the Joneses” type of guy. Weddings and receptions weren’t fancy enough for him and he wanted to impress his friends and family.
A few weeks later (perhaps when the credit card bills started arriving), my stepdaughter’s father stopped by and said he needed $1,000 for half of the “surcharge” he had to pay. I asked if my son and daughter approved these additional costs. Because we knew we were giving the best we could and they were trying to stay within their budget. he said no. So I said, “Why should I help pay for additional costs that I had no part in approving?” He said he felt the day needed to be made “even more special.” I replied that my son married my daughter, so it was special enough, even if it was in front of a judge. I told him that the additional costs were his decision and he was responsible for paying.
Apparently, he is now quite “cold” towards my son and has called me and my wife “cheap bastards” more than once. Should I have paid some of the additional costs?
— Surprise wedding bill
Surprise wedding bill
no.
It’s a shame that the kids couldn’t feel safe and stick to their wedding budget. Maybe they should have tried harder to stop her parents from paying for all the extra stuff, but I think they may have gotten out of control of the situation. I understand. That father-in-law looks like a real piece of work.
My wife is lazier than my father, who is the most indifferent and does nothing. But it turns out it’s much worse than that. I had to start saying no to my rich friends’ expensive outings. Her reaction was infuriating. Help! My sister-in-law continues to take advantage of her husband’s unpaid work. Help! My wife keeps sneaking the kids into bed.
This is no longer an issue between you and your daughter-in-law’s father. Unfortunately, it’s now a battle between him, his daughter, and your son. He may be angry with you about the cost of the wedding, but he’s making it an issue for the kids. Mainly because he treats your son coldly, which of course is also a way of punishing his own daughter. It’s so sad and so stupid, but it’s not your fault.
Maybe she thinks that if she gives her son what he wants, he will be nice to her. However, it is very unlikely that paying him back will allow your son or daughter-in-law to have an easy time with him. He is not an easy person. If he feels bad about you not giving him money that he didn’t promise, he’ll find other ways to make you feel bad about him.
Of course, you don’t have to deal with such immature or manipulative behavior. But they will need to understand their boundaries and their relationship with her parents. And while that’s not something you can do for them, you can listen and provide emotional support if needed. Don’t give your father money you can’t afford, don’t get into quarrels with him, don’t get involved in children’s relationships or quarrels with his father. Just be there for them and let them know you love and support them.
—Nicole
More advice from Slate
My partner and I suddenly decided to get married. There is no pregnancy or other forced elements in this. This is a choice we are making for each other and we are very happy with that choice.
The problem is my in-laws. They are not satisfied and have no boundaries. What should I do?
