One day when my daughter was one year old, she could no longer move her right leg. Tests revealed that she had a deep infection dangerously close to her thigh bone. She was rushed to surgery. Thankfully, she is now a healthy and energetic girl, but those excruciating days in the hospital were some of the toughest of my life. My wife Alice and I both felt helpless and heartbroken. We got through this crisis because of excellent health care, an understanding workplace, and loved ones who reminded us that we were not alone.
When I became a parent, a friend told me I was going to experience a lifetime of joy and anxiety. While there are certainly many joys, raising a child is both fulfilling and stressful, more so than any other job you’ve ever had. There were many moments when I felt lost and exhausted. Many parents I meet as I travel around the United States tell me they are going through the same thing. Even though we consider ourselves lucky to be able to raise our children, we often struggle in silence and solitude.
The stress and mental health challenges faced by parents are not always visible, but can take a huge toll, as can the effects of loneliness, workplace well-being and social media on young people’s mental health. . It’s time to recognize that they are a major public health concern for our country. Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need concrete support. That’s why I am announcing the Surgeon General’s recommendations to call attention to the stress and mental health concerns faced by parents and carers, and to highlight what can be done to address them. That’s what I’m doing.
A recent survey by the American Psychological Association found that 48 percent of parents say they feel overwhelmed by stress most days, compared to 26 percent of other adults who said the same. Not only are they navigating the challenges of traditional parenting, such as worrying about money and safety and struggling to get enough sleep, but they’re also dealing with ubiquitous screens, an adolescent mental health crisis, and a pervasive threat to their futures. They are also navigating new stressors such as anxiety.
When you feel like you’re alone, it’s harder to deal with stress. It is therefore particularly worrying that so many parents, especially single parents, report feeling more lonely than other adults. Plus, parents have a lot of time on their hands. Compared to just a few decades ago, mothers and fathers spend more time at work, more time caring for their children, and less time for rest, leisure, and relationships. Stress, loneliness and fatigue can easily affect people’s mental health and wellbeing. And we know that a parent’s mental health has a direct impact on their child’s mental health.
All of this is further exacerbated by a culture of comparison, often amplified online, that fosters unrealistic expectations about what parents are supposed to do. Chasing these expectations and trying to navigate the endless stream of parenting advice leaves many families exhausted, burnt out, and feeling forever left behind.
Something has to change. It starts with a fundamental change in the way we value child-rearing, recognizing that the work of child-rearing is critical to the health and well-being of society as a whole. This change must extend to policies, programs, and individual actions designed to facilitate this important work.
We have made progress over the past few years, expanding access to early childhood education, maternal health programs, and mental health crisis hotlines for children and adults. But there is still much we need to do to make parenting sustainable. This means more financial support for families, including the child tax credit. It also means every parent gets paid time off to spend time with a new baby or sick child, secures affordable child care when they need it, and reliable mental health care for themselves and their children. It also means being able to provide. And we need to address the pervasive causes of distress and worry that parents often have to deal with on their own, such as the harms of social media and the scourge of gun violence.
Safe and affordable before- and after-school childcare programs, predictable work schedules that allow parents to plan child care, and workplace leadership that understands parents’ complex demands can be very helpful. Safe play areas, libraries, and community centers provide children with a place to play and learn, while also serving as valuable places for parents to gather and build social connections.
Individuals such as family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues can play an important role. When someone is in need, we often wait to be asked for help or worry that we have nothing of value to offer. Simply showing up can make a huge difference in the world for others. I had a similar experience when my son was 4 months old and neither my wife nor I slept for more than 4 hours straight in several months. A friend came over and played with my child for 15 minutes. Still, it was long enough for me to catch my breath. My friend probably didn’t think anything of it, but for me, that sense of relief and gratitude is still fresh in my mind.
Many parents and caregivers I’ve met say it’s easy to ask for help when everyone has busy schedules and when you feel as if the other parent has everything figured out. I will say that it is not. Although it is difficult, we must learn to see asking for and accepting help as an act of strength rather than weakness.
It’s still hard for me to admit when I feel like I’m lacking as a parent. But every time I reach out to a friend or family member, or respond when someone contacts me, I feel more comfortable and less stressed. This experience taught me that parenting is a team sport.
My friend was right about joy and anxiety. Raising a child is not without its worries, given the responsibilities it entails. But reprioritizing to give parents and caregivers the support they need can go a long way in ensuring the balance tips towards joy.
Vivek H. Murthy is the Surgeon General and Lieutenant General of the Public Health Service Commissioned Forces. He also served as Surgeon General in the Obama administration.
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