“So who is your favorite child?” a childless friend asked about my three young children. I sat there dumbfounded—couldn’t pick a favorite. But then I thought: What if my children asked me if they had a favorite parent? Dun dun dun.
It’s interesting if you think about it carefully. From the sidelines, it would seem that my 7-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter prefer my husband. When I get home from work, I’m greeted with a run-up hug, a big smile, and lots of kisses, but when I pick them up from school, they’re like, “Mom, I’m hungry,” or “Mom, you’re five minutes late.” (By the way, my youngest child, who is 3 years old, is attached to my waist.)
I am fully aware that this has nothing to do with my children’s love for me. I know they love me. But it still got me thinking…why do I feel like I’m the captain of a ship trying to keep everything (and everyone) safe while my husband is the fun captain? mosquito?
Below, we talk to parenting experts to get to the bottom of it.
What is preferred parentalism?
Preferred parenting refers to parents whose children “feel more comfortable with them or choose to spend more time with them when they have the choice,” according to parenting coach and author. explains Daniel Lindner, author of A Parent’s Pocket Guide to Surviving Preschool Life.
This can change a child’s expectations to always have the choice of which parent will help, play with, and interact with them. All of this to the exclusion of the other parent, says Betsy Brown Brown, a child development and behavior expert and author of Just Tell Me What to. Tell me, and you’re not my boss.
What is priority custody?
During infancy and early childhood, children may prefer the parent with whom they feel the greatest connection. “They seem to be reaching an age where they prefer a parent who they know can meet their basic needs of comfort and care, a parent who ultimately makes them feel safe,” Lindner says.
By about 18 months, children know what they want and realize they have choices. This is the age when preference for one parent often manifests in a more demanding voice than simply reaching out when the parent is visible at 6 months old, Brown said. say.
“Children at ages 2, 3, and even 4 can be very vocal about their needs, such as insisting on getting the parent of their choice.” It may appear that your child refuses to get out of the bath seat and squeals, “I want mommy,” or that your child demands, “only daddy can take me out of the bath.” In these cases, “the child will not do what is asked or needed (even if it is what the child actually wants) unless the parent of his choice does so.” Brown Brown says.
Of course, it is not always possible for the desired parent to take on all the tasks. So being left with an unwanted parent can often lead to a child having a violent outburst, Brown-Brown said. Your child may say phrases like “I don’t like you” or “I don’t need you.”
Why does preferential parentism occur?
There are many reasons why preferential parenting occurs. First and foremost, parental availability is important. “When children experience most of their daily lives with only one parent, they become accustomed to that parent doing everything,” Brown-Brown says.
The reverse may also be true. “Children don’t often get to see their beloved parents, so when they do, it’s refreshing and they want to spend special time together,” Lindner says. (A case in point is why my kids are so excited to see their dad at the end of the day.)
In some cases, parental priorities may have a lot to do with the child’s interests. If a child’s hobbies include sports or the arts, and the same applies to mom and dad, they may subconsciously see this as a special opportunity to bond, Lindner says.
Then there’s the divorce situation. In these cases, Lindner says, it’s very likely that children will choose the parent who invests the most in them on a day-to-day basis. “This does not mean that neither parent is doing their best to care for the family; it suggests that children are often attracted to those who can be visibly looked after their needs.” I’m just doing it,” she added.
Other factors that can contribute to a child’s rejection of one parent include abusive, mean, or erratic parental reactions, as well as “discordant divorces” or children being abusive toward one parent toward the other. or when a child is treated unfairly.” It’s contaminated by the other parent,” Brown-Brown said.
Finally, parental permissiveness may be to blame. After all, what kid wouldn’t want to go to a parent who always asks “yes”? This is especially true as children grow and become more independent. Children may be attracted to parents who give them what they want. Because children enjoy the freedom it brings, Lindner says.
What are the negative effects?
There is a long list of negative effects of preferential parenting. First of all, it becomes difficult to “swap” parental roles and there may be a lack of bonding time for the rejected parent. It can also affect the relationship between parents and what they want to model for their children. In extreme cases, it can certainly put a damper on family dynamics.
For unfavorable parents, one of the negative effects can be very real feelings of sadness. “Parents who have been rejected may take it personally and feel left out and actually avoid going home or being with their family. Sometimes they may transfer their hurt feelings to their children. Sometimes I push myself and say things like, “Okay, I don’t want that!” Please be with me! ” says Brown Brown.
Preferred parentism can also affect preferred parents in undesirable ways. This parent may feel resentful of having to do everything and may blame the less favorable parent for not cooperating.
Lindner gives the example above. If the child prefers the mother and most of the child’s needs fall on the mother, the mother can feel fatigued and overloaded, as if she were doing everything herself. In reality, the father may be happy to do so, but the child’s resistance or tantrums will make things difficult. This happens in both directions. Dad may feel overwhelmed with favors, and Mom may feel left out or resentful.
So how can we deal with preferential parenting?
Good news! All hope is not lost. The first thing to know is that children’s preferences change frequently throughout their lives and as they grow older.
According to Brown Brown, if a child doesn’t get the parent they want, it’s important to tolerate their unhappiness. “Your child may just be unhappy…they’re fine for now. This is very difficult for many parents to do, but silently complying with their child’s requests (including their own choice) is not what they want. It undermines a child’s developmental ability to tolerate deprivation.”
Instead, try to create opportunities to share responsibilities and do things together. Lindner says doing this in front of your kids helps them understand cohesive parenting and a team approach. This can be the case in a variety of ways, such as one parent dropping off the child at school and the other picking it up, or a parent canceling a sports match.
In the case of parental permissiveness, Brown-Brown suggests the following prompt for “permissive” parents: “What did mommy/dad say? Let’s ask.” Permissive parents will only be preferred if they are trying to get what the child wants (more screen time, an extra scoop of ice cream, etc.).
For divorced families, it must be established early on that each parent is the “boss” of their own home. Brown-Brown suggests prompts such as: “I know you want to stay at your mom’s house because you think she might let you stay up late and play on her iPad, but now you’re at my house. That’s right. It’s okay.” You’ll be unhappy. ”
What not to do? Lindner warns disapproving parents not to make their children feel awkward or guilty if they want to spend more time with the other parent. “Let them know that you love spending time together and look forward to it. You love seeing how much children love their preferred parent and that you’re building a close relationship with them.” Let your older children know that you think it’s a great thing and that you want to build a closer relationship with them and spend more quality time with them. Ask them what they think is a good way to spend time together. ”
