Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Ashley C. Ford will play Prudie, replacing Jenny Desmond-Harris who is on maternity leave. Submit your question here.
Dear Prudence
My wife and I have two children, ages 5 and 4. Ever since my oldest son was 3, we’ve been fighting over having our kids sleep in his own bed. I want my adult space back. That way, the next time one of your kids tries to crawl into bed, she’ll agree. .
When she was gone for two weeks, I kept to a strict schedule of drinking a glass of water, telling one story, kissing, and hugging a few times before lights out. The children fell asleep as soon as they woke up. I was woken up three or four times a night, but eventually the kids started adjusting to the schedule and slept in their rooms all night. Then, when my wife came back, I fell into a bad pattern of backing down and saying, “It’s just for one night.”
It’s not overnight. It’s a failure to maintain consistent boundaries with children. I’m tired of being put in bad guy territory here. I have a major surgery coming up soon, so it can’t be helped that I will be forced to take bed rest. I love my kids, but I’m not looking forward to one of them crawling in with us, headbutting us, and causing us pain. . I love my wife, I love my kids, but I want my bed back. Help!
—Bed not big enough
For those whose bed is not large enough
As you said, this won’t work unless you and your wife are on the same page about bedtime and continue to work on the plan together. Ask your wife to set aside 30 minutes for the two of you to discuss this without interruption. Tell her all about the schedule you kept while she was away and how you want your room to be an adult-only space again. I know you’re not looking forward to your upcoming surgery or the pain that comes with recovering in bed having to share it with small children, but this is actually the perfect time to make a change. I think so. your wife. Now would be a great time to make plans to talk with your kids about Dad’s surgery and what things will look like at home while Dad recovers. Of course, you should use language that is as appropriate as possible for 4- and 5-year-olds. Make it look like the whole family is doing it to help daddy. Everyone has to work a little harder to have the best time.
We’ve found that young children respond positively to the idea of doing something “together” and being an important part of the process with age-appropriate responsibilities. So, come up with three tasks each of you can help with while you’re recovering, and at least one of them might be sleeping in your own bed. From there, even if things get better, a familiar routine will stick. Allow yourself to fall into old habits from time to time. It will happen again in the future. Just make sure your baby is in their bed 90% of the time at bedtime.
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Dear Prudence
My best friend recently had a baby, so I’ve been very involved in helping her. I cook, clean, and take her laundry to the laundromat. We’ve known each other forever and I was so happy when she decided to brave the single motherhood path rather than settle for another louse like her ex-husband. My mother lives with me, so I’m not doing this alone, but I’m happy to help.
The problem is that my sister-in-law complains loudly that I’m overly involved with my best friend’s baby while ignoring my other nieces and nephews. She claims I “never” helped her “real” family. My sister-in-law and I got along well when I first married my brother, but then we discovered a particularly misogynistic brand of religion.
So my queer, atheist self became her worst enemy in her eyes. She spent every conversation trying to convert me or trying to convince me of the validity of a number of very scary positions. My brother was never one to rebel against his wife, so for the sake of family peace, I spend a lot of time with them outside of my mandatory vacations, even though we live only 10 miles down the road. I haven’t spent any time. How do I deal with this? It’s fine to say to my SIL, “I’m sorry, but you’re a bigot and a lunatic, so I don’t have a real relationship with your kids.” I’m not going.
-help
Thank you for your cooperation,
Keep doing what you’ve been doing because that’s what you want to do. Help your friend take care of her baby and ignore your sister-in-law as much as possible. Unless you feel like she’s pushing you away from the family you want to be close to, what’s the point in giving her any more of your time? The next time she asks why you aren’t helping with the childcare, tell her you’re not going to answer that question, but that she’s free to keep thinking about it and see what answer she comes up with.
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Dear Prudence
When I was 12 years old, my father had an affair and divorced my mother. My father quickly left my life. He moved 3 hours away and we only met on holidays when it was convenient for him. Years later, when his second wife had a child, leave and child support were terminated. I was really sad and angry. My mother and I lost our apartment and had to move to a relative’s house. Eventually, his wages were garnished, and he is still repaying them. When I was a kid, being broke when I had nothing to do was almost as bad as not having a father. My mother was always working and I was never supervised in my late teens, so I had a lot of problems. I know blended families can be great. My mom married her boyfriend in 2022 and he has been a constant presence for both my children from my first marriage and for me. My father didn’t have to be like this. Everything I know about being a man I learned from the internet or from my stepfather.
My father lost his son in a car accident this spring. I only found out when his relatives called me and asked why he didn’t come to the funeral. Somehow they didn’t know he wasn’t in my life. The death and the shame from his family probably made him reach out. I agreed to meet him and he apologized for “not being around enough,” but all I felt was anger. He remained the man who disappeared from my life and didn’t care that his actions could leave me homeless. I am not a replacement for the son he actually loved, and I don’t want to be. My stepfather encourages me to be a bigger man, but I never want to see him again. What should I do here? I know he’s sad, but he’s a real piece of shit.
-anger
Dear Angry
You can decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your biological father. It’s like you feel obligated to try it for someone else even though you don’t want to have it at all. I understand wanting to see if your father can show you that he has changed in any way, but it’s clear that you don’t think he has changed.
If you feel it is possible, tell your father-in-law or other person: good. I have no intention of seeing him again, but I hope you will respect and support my decision. ” You never know how anyone will react, but at least you’ve made your point and made your position clear.
Dear Prudence
One afternoon, my cousin took over the babysitting duties from me. Her foolish mistake caused a devastating tragedy. My sister-in-law asked us to adopt twins because she missed her old life. For some reason, we said yes. My wife threatened to divorce me over my position on Halloween Candy after years of not dating. My 11 year old son has strange thoughts about my new boyfriend.
I changed jobs from my previous job about 6 years ago. While there I was friendly with my colleagues. Although she was older, we bonded over a shared work ethic. Even after I moved away, we kept in touch by mail. Writing letters was fun at first, but now it feels like a chore. It turns out we don’t share that many common interests overall. Writing a letter doesn’t take much time, but it’s not particularly fun for me. I’d like to either stop or move to contacting them once or twice a year. As it stands, I usually reply to messages as soon as I receive them, and it feels like a polite obligation. What’s the script for finishing or delaying writing the letter without making her uncomfortable? Or should I reply a little more slowly and wait for her to get the hint?
—I’m tired of snail mail
Dear Snail Mail
Hello (name)
It’s been quite a while since I last wrote and I’m feeling really bad, so I thought I’d suggest something new. Instead of communicating as frequently as you do now, send catch pp messages twice a year, once at the end of winter and once at the end of summer. Target December and August. In two letters a year, I summarize my work to date and respond to the last letter I received. I feel that doing so alleviates some of the anxiety about being able to respond in a timely manner and ensures that I get something that I actually want to share. What do you think? Is there a better way to do this? We’d love to hear from you.
warm,
(you)
—Ashley
classic prudy
I am deeply in love with a woman to whom I am not physically attracted. Her mindset, humor, and life goals are appealing, but physically she’s not a good fit for us. Looks weren’t a top priority for me, but I’d be dishonest if I said it wasn’t. Sometimes I find myself looking away from her for fear that what I’m thinking will show on my face.
