Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Amber,” and I have two kids, “Ashley,” 7, and “Lonnie,” 9. For the last couple of years, we’ve had a dispute surrounding Halloween candy that the kids collect trick-or-treating. Amber insists that the kids be allowed to keep only 20 pieces each; the rest gets given away at her office or mine. I never agreed with this policy, but went along to keep the peace. This wasn’t much of a problem when the kids were younger, but now that they’re older and see their friends getting to enjoy their Halloween candy post-holiday, it upsets them to the point of tears. I grew up in a household where my siblings and I were allowed to keep anything we collected trick-or-treating and eat as much of it as we wanted with no restrictions; I want Lonnie and Ashley to get the same enjoyment out of their candy as I did when I was a kid.
Amber has always been big on keeping sugar out of our kids’ diet as much as possible, but I don’t think a week or so of candy-eating will be their undoing. I have tried talking to Amber about this, but as far as she’s concerned, it isn’t up for discussion. This year, I’ve told the kids they can keep all their candy. When Amber found out, she threatened divorce. She has walked it back, but has now declared that if the kids are allowed to keep all their candy she’s going to withhold sex for three months. She demands that I tell them the regular rule surrounding the candy is still in effect. I think she is being unfair all around. The kids deserve to be able to keep whatever they collect, and her using sex as a weapon is wrong. What can I do to get her to be reasonable here?
—Halloween Hassle
Dear Hassle,
This is not a Halloween candy problem. It’s a marriage problem. I’m not going to wade too deeply into the “I want my kids to do things the way I did when I was a kid”—the corollary to, “I was raised this way, and it didn’t do me any harm, did it? So I’m gonna raise my kids the way my parents raised me, by gum!”—or to the question of who’s right about the candy. Though I will say that unlimited candy for “a week or so” isn’t good for anyone, and that there is probably a compromise to be made when it comes to Halloween, something between Amber’s 20 piece-limit and your determination to give the kids’ unfettered access to the candy they’ve collected. Perhaps they could pick out their favorites and be allowed the choice of doling it out to themselves over a period of days or weeks. Perhaps they could trade most of their candy in for something else they’d enjoy even more than candy—a toy or an outing they get to pick, or some other small but special thing. (Kids that age aren’t all that hard to please.)
But if Amber is making unilateral decisions about child-rearing and you are grudgingly going along with those decisions while seething inwardly—then countermanding her rules and leaving it to your children to “accidentally” break the news to her (thus setting her up to be the bad guy)—and she is threatening divorce and/or withholding sex as a tactic to get you to do things her way, Halloween is the least of your problems. You two are in trouble. Get thee to a marriage counselor.
P.S. Some bonus advice from my brother, who is sitting across from me in our mother’s living room as I write this, and who has been married for nearly 43 years and has three grown kids and three grandchildren: “Parenting is a team effort. You’ve gotta pick your battles.”
Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?
Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
When I was 14 and my sister was 10, my mom married my stepfather, who brought along his 10-year-old son. My sister and I had always been always close, and we also became close with our stepbrother. Fast forward to now: My stepbrother is married, all three of us have kids (16, 14, 8, and 3) who also get along fabulously. We like to do things together. Sometimes it’s just having dinner together (our stepbrother lives about an hour away from where both my sister and I live). Sometimes it’s going on vacation together. Sometimes it’s finding a weekend when we can get all our kids together. Sounds great, right? The problem is my mother.
We invite her (and my stepdad!) about half of the time, but sometimes we do things that we know she wouldn’t like or just wouldn’t be able to do (she is in her 70s with some physical disability) or even just want to do something without her. But when she finds out about the times she hasn’t been invited (which she does because she helps both my sister and me with child care), she pouts about how she is “never” included in our plans. For example: Recently, the three of us took the kids to a water park. Bear in mind that Mom hates water parks—she doesn’t enjoy being in the company of lots of kids running around and screaming, and she has to be really careful walking because of the slickness underfoot. Still, when my sister mentioned our water park outing, she pouted as usual: “You never include me.” My sister pointed out that she would have hated it. Her response: “Well, it would have just been nice to be invited.”
Before you give me the advice to just invite her, and she’ll feel good and not come, let me add that we’ve done that, twice. She didn’t stay home. She came along and (as predicted) was miserable; she complained the whole time and ruined it for everybody. (By the way, my stepdad declined because he knew he wouldn’t enjoy it.) Now we have something planned for next month that I know she’d hate if she joined us on it. But I know that if we don’t invite her, it’s going to start the whole whining, sulking, and complaining again (she can be worse than her 3-year-old grandkid!). What can I do? She is included in so many ways, but sometimes we want to do things with our kids that don’t and shouldn’t involve her.
—She is 73, Not 3!
Dear She is 73,
You can’t make her stop pouting or complaining if that’s her nature. All you can do is try to eliminate at least some of the factors that get her going, and hope for the best. Instead of quietly making plans with your siblings and letting her find out later, tell her you’re all going camping or to an amusement park—whatever it is you’re doing that you know is an unsuitable activity for her—and tell her (firmly) that you’re not inviting her because it won’t be fun for her, because there’s too much walking/climbing/chaos/whatever. If she starts in (“Oh, I’ll be fine,” or “What are you talking about? I love long walks/climbing/chaos!”—or just jumps right to, “You never include me”), don’t waste your breath reminding her about all the times she is included, or arguing with her about what she enjoys and doesn’t. Say, “This one’s just for us and the kids, Mom. But we’ll all see you soon.” If you and your siblings want to bolster this with an invitation for another get-together, one at which she’ll be welcome and would enjoy herself, I think that would be smart. And kind.
She loves you and your siblings; she loves her grandchildren. Even if you include her half the time, it doesn’t surprise me all that much that her feelings are hurt when you don’t. I’m not suggesting that’s rational, because feelings by definition aren’t; I’m just saying she feels what she feels, and you can’t make her feel otherwise. What you can do is draw clear boundaries about when she’s included and when she’s not, assure her that you all love her (you do, don’t you?) and that you all look forward to your next quiet gathering with her, and practice responding calmly and coolly to her pouting until you get good at it (i.e., don’t let it get to you!).
And if some of these Mom-free adventures aren’t about how they won’t be fun for her but only about how much more fun they’ll be for you all without her, well, you have a few choices. You could keep these a secret from her (I dislike that option, because I dislike secrets and lies, but also because one of the younger kids will probably let it slip anyway and then she’ll have good reason to be hurt); you could make sure those are all unsuitable-for-Mom events—too strenuous etc. for her—which would give you plausible deniability; or you could revisit the very idea that including her would put a damper on things. I can’t tell from your letter if there are other ways—beyond those you mention—she tends to hinder your outings, but you might try to keep in mind that she won’t be around forever, and that she wants to see her grandchildren (and their parents) as much as possible. If it’s that important to you to have quiet gatherings sometimes with your siblings and all of your kids but without your mother, you/your sister will have to be the grownup in the room and take the heat. That means being honest with her and then not engaging when she pouts or whines. “Sometimes we want it to be just us, Mom. But we’ll see you next week, OK?” And then move on.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I found out about my (now ex-) husband’s longtime affair when our kids were 15 and 17. Until then, I’d really believed that we were both working on our marriage—we were in marriage counseling!—and I told myself that if I just tried harder, I could make things work. When I learned about the affair, I got my own therapist, kept the knowledge of the affair from our kids, and quietly worked toward personal financial stability. My goal was to stick it out until both the kids had graduated from high school. Last spring, that happened.
Both kids were surprised by the divorce. They were also surprised to learn that they had a 3-year-old half-sibling on their father’s side. Now both kids are in college, and my younger child is pleading for a Thanksgiving with all of us together, while my older child isn’t speaking to her dad at all. What can I do for them at this point? For me, the pain is not as raw. Long before I knew about the affair, I spent years working behind the scenes to make their dad seem like a good father, and I have zero interest in doing any more of that work now. But without someone doing it, he looks bad. Both kids are upset about the ways he’s not being a great parent “now.” I don’t feel I can tell them it was me covering for him while they were growing up, but I also can’t go back to pretending he’s a good dad when he’s not. And it’s hurting them to see him constantly flake on them. I don’t want to be mean or rage against my ex, I just never want to be responsible for his BS again. The kids are welcome to spend holidays at either my place or their dad’s, and I’ve told them so. But I won’t take on any of the coordinating with their dad that my younger child is yearning for. (Chances are, my ex would flake on any plans we made anyway. One reason I waited to divorce him was that I knew I’d be managing his household as well as my own if we separated while the kids were minors.) I’ve offered to help pay for therapy for both kids, but I don’t know how else to help them adjust, especially the college freshman. In trying to keep my relationship with them separate from the affair and divorce, I feel like maybe I’m not giving them enough. But I don’t know what “enough” would be.
—Single Mom at Last
Dear Single,
I’m not sure you can separate your relationship with your young adult children from your divorce from their father. I’m also not convinced that they didn’t know, deep down, that their dad wasn’t as dependable as you tried “behind the scenes” to make him seem. I suspect you’re displacing some painful feelings (you know, like rage, woundedness, grief, and bitterness) by focusing your attention on an “easier” one: their “finding out” that he’s not as great a dad (or a person) as you did your best to make them think.
Help! My Sister Stupidly Bought a Farm to “Raise Her Kids on the Land.” Now She’s Trying to Drag Me Into the Dirt.
My Stay-at-Home Wife Was Supposed to Go Back to Work. Instead She’s Upending Our Family.
My Family Has Been Forcing Me to Keep an Untenable Secret, and I’m About to Explode
I’m Extremely Worried by What My Wife Does When She’s Watching Our Baby
You don’t have to confess that you hid the truth from them. Even if I’m wrong, and they were completely blindsided by every aspect of what’s happened/what they’ve learned over the last four months, I promise you they will soon put the pieces together and figure out that it was you doing all the work all those years. If they ask you, you can answer honestly, but I wouldn’t bring it up otherwise. It’s commendable that you don’t want to rage against their father or make mean comments about him to your children, but you don’t have to swing in the other direction either. You certainly don’t have to cover for him anymore (if you’d asked me for advice years ago, I would have gently suggested you not cover for him then, either); you absolutely do not have to celebrate holidays with him (the families who do that—and your younger child may well know of some—are those whose divorces were amicable, who’ve found a way to stay friends with their exes, and/or whose children are still young). It’s OK to tell your 18-year-old that as much as you wish you could make all their dreams come true, it isn’t viable to spend Thanksgiving “as a family.” Repeat your willingness to share (part of the day with him, part of the day with you) or to relinquish your claim on the day altogether, or any other solution that your younger child feels comfortable with. (Your older child presumably means to spend holidays with you, at least for now.)
Invite both kids to talk about how they’re feeling—with you and with their father (in separate conversations). Consider offering to join them for therapy—either separately or all three of you together. If you can swing it, offer to pay for all of the therapy—not just “help” with the cost. I know your ex should be sharing that expense with you—if not paying in full—but it doesn’t sound as if you can count on him to do that. Still, it’s worth asking, if you can bring yourself to speak to him—or ask an attorney to do so. But don’t let your strong sense that this is all his fault undermine your efforts to help your kids through this. That’s the part you need to keep separate.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. Since he’s started to do better with bottles (he’s breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervously—and I did have to make the offer multiple times). The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. I assured her we’d be fine and sent them on their way.
