Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife is a Type-A, intense personality. She tends to have control issues; if she is not the one booking the tickets or making the reservations, she stresses that it is not done, or not done correctly. I love her and have learned to just let her do certain things because happy wife equals happy life, and it is not worth getting offended that she thinks I won’t find the best airline and hotel deals for our beach vacation.
Since our first child was born 18 months ago, however, the control issues have gotten out of hand. My wife feels strongly on almost every issue concerning our child, whereas 75 percent of the issues I don’t really have an opinion either way. Baby-led weaning vs. purees? As long as the kid is fed and healthy, it doesn’t matter to me. It was important to her, though, so I did my research so we could have an informed conversation, even though I knew that my opinion wouldn’t matter. (Case in point, I was strongly against cloth diapers due to it not being very feasible in our apartment with a communal washer and dryer. She was for it, and we did it for four months before it became too overwhelming and switched to disposable.)
Lately, however, she is stressed and accusing me of not being involved enough and of leaving all the emotional and mental labor to her, while not really allowing me to be involved or share it. Also, a lot of the emotional and mental labor is just stuff that, in my opinion, doesn’t need to take up as much mental space as she allows it, so it is just labor she is putting on herself. I do care about the important things: I’ve been at every single one of our child’s pediatrician appointments since they were born. I am invested in their physical, mental, and emotional development. I know what developmental milestones they were supposed to meet and when, and I was fully involved in getting them evaluated when they weren’t sitting unassisted by the recommended time. Apparently, we don’t agree on what is important and what is not, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap.
In addition, I am getting tired of her being so controlling. Recently, our child’s 18-month checkup fell on a day she was not going to be able to get away from work. No problem, I said, I had already taken that day off and could take the baby to the doctor alone. This was unacceptable to her. She did not trust I would ask the right questions, take notes (despite our pediatrician providing a visit summary), or know how to comfort our child when they got their vaccinations. This created a huge fight, as I feel like she is unfairly putting me into the role of the stereotypical “out-of-touch dad.” Plus, there wasn’t another opening for three weeks to get into the pediatrician if we didn’t keep that appointment!
I don’t know how to address these two issues. Do I start faking having strong opinions on issues I don’t? Do I take control and just start overruling her, starting by keeping the 18-month appointment and taking our child without her (right now she is trying to move two closings she has on that date), then booking our holiday reservations and tickets without her looking over my shoulder? I know she has been like this since we got together but I never imagined it would manifest in this untenable manner.
—Not a Clueless Dad
Dear Not Clueless,
I’m a little nervous on your behalf that you’re going to get dunked on in the comments for parts of your letter, so I’m going to state up front that your feelings are understandable and relatable (even to me, the one who was the Type-A person in my marriage to my late husband). But both you and your wife need to find a way to make space for each other as a parenting team.
My number one recommendation is to seek some couples counseling. You hit the nail on the head with these two sentences:
“Apparently, we don’t agree on what is important and what is not, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap.”
“I feel like she is unfairly putting me into the role of the stereotypical ‘out-of-touch dad.’”
Putting myself in your wife’s shoes, when a person’s natural instinct is to manage all the moving parts of a problem or project, it can be really hard to cede control. It’s especially hard to do when you’re in the thick of things—it can feel like there isn’t any time to divvy up tasks, and it’s much easier to keep going the way you already are, even if you hate it. You both would likely benefit from a third party who can translate yourselves to each other. You need someone who can call your wife out when she’s setting you up to fail, but who can also tell you when your laissez-faire approach trends toward dismissiveness (which it sounds like could be happening).
Sit down with your wife and explain to her how you feel, without throwing a lot of blame. If you’re searching for words, try something like this: “I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation, because I want to be a hands-on parent and you want me to be, too, but we clearly aren’t on the same page about what that looks like. You seem to feel unsupported, and I feel unwelcome, and none of that is each other’s intention. Can we go to therapy so we can untangle all of this?” And when she agrees, state that you can be in charge of finding a few therapist candidates to choose from together and scheduling the appointments.
In the meantime (since getting into therapy can sometimes take a while), I will leave you with a tool I stole from my friend who is a museum exhibit designer. In that role, she runs meetings where she must seek consensus from many different individuals. When doing so, she asks folks to rate their opinion on a scale of 1-5, in terms of how strongly they agree or disagree. For example, a “1” means they wholeheartedly agree, a “3” means they can live with the decision but they’re not enthusiastic about it, and a “5” means they don’t agree and feel the team needs to go back to the drawing board. You and your wife could consider making a similar raking system to divvy up the parenting and household tasks. Your list might look something like this:
I absolutely want to be the person who handles this decision/task.
I would like to decide this in full partnership.
I am happy to handle this decision/task if my partner does not want to.
I would like to offer an opinion but let my partner handle the decision/task.
I do not want to be involved in this decision/task.
By creating your own shorthand, you establish a system where you know where each other stands. So, you might say to your wife, “I’m a 2 about their doctor’s appointments,” which means you’ll need to spend some time talking about how you can both be on equal footing there. Likewise, if she tells you she’s a 4 about a choice you all have to make, she doesn’t get to be upset at your eventual decision. It’s not a perfect system, nor is it a substitute for deep heart-to-heart conversation, but it’s a communication tool to consider.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex and I have joint custody of our pre-teen son. The ex and I don’t communicate well, but I get the sense from our son that things have been somewhat dysfunctional at the other house. He sometimes comes by my house on his way home from school, ostensibly to collect something to take to his dad’s, but often it seems like he just wants to spend time here. The issue: He walks into the house with no warning, on days when I’m not expecting to see him, and catches me off-guard. I’m worried about him walking in on me in a compromising position! I want him to feel safe coming here any time, but I also need some boundaries. Is it fair to ask him to knock at his own house? How do I address this with him without jeopardizing his sense of safety here?
—A Little Privacy, Please?
Dear Privacy,
I assume that, by a compromising position, you mean while you’re engaging in adult relations. Your letter reminded me of one earlier this year, written by a teenager who was frequently walking in on their parents in a similar “compromised position.” My advice, echoed by Slate readers, was that the teenager was well within their rights to tell their parents to reign things in a bit. After all, it is the teen’s house as much as it is theirs.
Granted, your situation is slightly different due to your shared custody—there are days when your pre-teen isn’t necessarily living there. But it is still his house. To me, it sends the wrong message to tell him to knock (essentially having him ask permission to enter his own home), especially if the other home is dysfunctional. I appreciate that you want, and deserve, some privacy, but I think your son’s stability and sense of home/belonging needs to take center stage.
That doesn’t necessarily have to mean no more “afternoon delight.” (Although, if his pop-ins are at a consistent time of day, that’s certainly your safest option.) If you’re a fan of home security systems, get a sensor on the front doors that chimes an alert straight to your bedroom so that you can stop any frolicking right away. Or simply ask him to text you if he’s coming home. You can use an innocuous excuse, like you don’t want to be startled if you’re in the shower or interrupted on a Zoom call. Little things like this can give you a few necessary moments to compose yourself without making him feel like he’s in the way. I know it might feel silly, or even frustrating, to adjust your lifestyle on the off-chance that he might come over, but while things are unstable in his life, erring on the side of keeping him feeling comfortable is a good goal.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have just found out through a friend of my 8-year-old son’s babysitter that the babysitter has passed away. She’s been his babysitter since he was 2 and was a daycare teacher of his. She was quite young, perhaps in her 40s, and was found dead in her bed. Nobody knows what happened and there’s a several-month backlog on autopsies. I don’t know what to say to him, and I don’t know what to do so babysitters moving forward aren’t a source of worry for him. Any suggestions?
—Worried and Flummoxed
Dear Worried,
I’m so sorry for this tragic news. When you talk to your son, which you should do soon, be calm and straightforward. Explain that you have just learned some very sad news, that (sitter) has died. Pause and give your son time to react—because he could react in a lot of different ways. He might be sad, confused, angry, or even neutral. Answer his questions as honestly as you can, even though you don’t have all the information, and might never have it. Take your son’s lead and talk about this news as long as he wants you to. When the conversation comes to a natural conclusion, let him know he can always ask you more questions or talk to you more about this, but that you’re also going to check in with him tomorrow and in a few days about how he feels. In those subsequent conversations, you can ask him whether he’d like to do something to honor her (especially since it sounds like you might have missed the funeral, if one was held). You and he could send the grieving family a card, visit the grave, plant something in her honor, etc.
You mentioned that you’re worried about whether he’ll start worrying about babysitters in the future. Do you mean you fear he might worry that they, too, could die unexpectedly? Something to keep in mind is that it might not just be babysitters that have your son worrying in this way. If this is the first death he has experienced, it might draw into sharp relief the fact that any of his loved ones could die—a new babysitter, a grandparent, or even you. So I wouldn’t worry about babysitters specifically, though you could be on the lookout for any remarks or behaviors that point in that direction. I would, however, watch him to see if he seems more nervous about having you out of sight, if he wants to keep tabs on people, if he has any nightmares, or anything else in that vein. These and similar behavioral changes could be an indication that the babysitter’s death has spooked him on a deeper level. A few visits with the school social worker or a child therapist could be really helpful if that’s the case. Good luck.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’d love some advice as we really don’t know what to do. My son started first grade two weeks ago and has been in full tears every day at drop-off. His dad has been walking him to his class and he breaks down when we mention dropping him off in the drop-off line.
He has a bunch of friends, says he likes his teacher (who is great), and is happy when picked up. He didn’t do this at kindergarten at the same school but did have a hard time with drop-offs at summer camps. We’ve talked to his teacher who said she’s been going over sharing feelings, and how it’s OK to cry and to speak up when we need time to ourselves. She read The Kissing Hand for Chester Raccoon yesterday in class, and we’ve read that and other books too.
When asked, he says school is long and boring (two hours longer than kindergarten), and he only likes recess and his friends. I’m worried it could be because he’s in a K/1st combo and he’s at a second-grade reading level and loves math, which they don’t really do yet. Two of his best friends are in his class. He’s also tired so we’ve been trying to get him to bed earlier. His school starts at 7:30 a.m. and he’s not a morning person. It’s been getting worse every day. Now he starts crying as soon as he wakes up and last night he cried during dinner. I’ve asked the teacher about volunteering in the class on Fridays but it’s too soon for her and I’m worried that it’d make it worse. What can we do to ease the transition and get him to love school again? Should we just drop him off in the drop-off line in the mornings?
—Back to the Classroom
Dear Classroom,
Help! My Wife Just Told Me I’d Always Be “Second Place” to Her First Love. He’s Long Dead.
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I would ask for a meeting with the teacher and the school social worker or counselor, if there is one. Because the situation is getting worse, not better, after two weeks, I’d push to get it done as soon as you can. Perhaps the social worker could observe both the drop-off process and the classroom to see if they notice any clues about your son’s unhappiness. Any number of things could be going on, and having a second pair of eyes (who aren’t also simultaneously trying to teach and manage an entire classroom) could be very helpful. I also wouldn’t be shy about emailing his Kindergarten teacher to see if she has any insights to share—whether he ever exhibited sadness, ennui or boredom in her classroom, and under what circumstances.
Have you gotten any indication that your son is having behavioral difficulties? If he’s struggling to sit still or pay attention to directions, and he’s getting corrected a lot, he might be feeling a sense of dread about going to school, even if he likes his teacher. That could also correlate with his sense of boredom, since it’s hard to pay attention when school isn’t keeping your attention. While ADHD and other neurodivergences are sometimes hard to diagnose at his age, it’s not impossible; the teacher and social worker would be able to comment on whether that possibility is worth investigating in your son’s case.
If these avenues lead you nowhere, and the situation doesn’t improve, consider enlisting the help of a child or family therapist. Because their expertise is helping kids address big and complicated feelings, they may be able to ask the right questions to get the clarity your own conversations haven’t uncovered. Good luck!
—Allison
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I just turned 20 and finished my sophomore year of college. I don’t drink, and I don’t plan on drinking when I turn 21, either. I know I have poor impulse control and weak discipline, and I’m afraid if I start drinking, I’ll like it and I won’t be able to stop. Addiction runs in my dad’s family. My dad was an alcoholic who left us when I was 8 and died on the streets. People think that because I don’t drink, it means that I would have an awful social life on campus, or that people would constantly be mocking me, calling me a wuss or something.
