Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
I have raised my stepdaughter since she was 2 years old. She is now 13 years old and experiencing all the angst and rebellion of a teenager. Her mother enters and exits our lives whenever she pleases, leaving only a residue behind. Recently, she came and brought lots of gifts and promised my stepdaughter that she and her new husband would come to live with her. She owes us thousands of dollars in child support. Neither my husband nor I can afford a lawyer to take her to court. Since then, my stepdaughter started screaming and threatening to live with her mother soon. “Get off your cell phone.” “I’m going to live with my mom.” “Please clean your room.” “I hate you so I want to live with my mom.” “Get up for school.” “I’m going to live with my mom.”
I have a 6 year old with health issues and I have health issues myself that are steadily getting worse. I can’t continue if I have more stress than this. Since my husband travels for work, he tends to let his daughter do whatever she wants. Family therapy is a dream. We are struggling just with medical costs. At some point, I’ll snap and say I should make a bag for my stepdaughter. I love her but I can’t deal with this every day.
-Struggling
Dear struggling people
Considering everything you’ve shared, I think you should talk to your husband about how feasible it is to have your stepdaughter live with her mother. It sounds like you and she would be happy if she did that, but your husband isn’t doing the work necessary to take care of her. Hopefully, her mother will seriously allow her to move into her home instead of selling her the dream. If you all take her up and she says no, you have to be honest with your stepdaughter about the fact that you gave her mother a chance to take her and she didn’t. It won’t.
When you and your husband work through this issue, it’s unfair to let your daughter get away with murder charges while you have to deal with not only her strange behavior, but also your younger child’s and your own health issues. I need to let my husband know something. . You should also let your stepdaughter know that using the words “move” as a threat is not acceptable. Let her know that it is up to her parents to decide where she lives, but wherever she lives, she is expected to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. Admit that you understand that she misses her mother, but she shouldn’t take it out on you. Work with your husband to establish reasonable consequences if she cheats, and once again let him know that all the work of keeping her together shouldn’t fall on you alone.
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Dear care and food,
When we recently moved to a new city, one of our top priorities was finding a soccer team for our 13-year-old son because he loves to play. We wanted to help our son find friends. He joined the team and things were going well, but last week I took a look at the Snapchat group he has with his teammates (he has seen us intermittently watch his socials). I know, that’s one of the conditions for him having a cell phone). shock.
Two kids were posting very explicit pornographic screenshots, which seemed completely disconnected from what the other kids were posting. We talked to our son about it and he was shocked by it and said we could stop chatting. But I don’t know what to do with other parents. We don’t know them at all because we just moved, the coach is a volunteer, and the kid isn’t on Snapchat (smart move!) To complicate matters, the kid is a teammate. Since he told one of his parents what happened, he thinks he will be blamed if all his parents find out and come out.
–Social shock
Dear Social Shock
I’m sure some readers may disagree with me, but I don’t think you should say anything to other parents. The social burden on your son may be high, so you want him to be friends with his teammates. Keep him away from chats for now and monitor his phone for future interactions with these kids. If you find out in the future that they sent you pornography or anything else offensive, go ahead and talk to your coach. Ask your son, if something like this happens again, to bring it to you without telling his teammates.
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Dear care and food,
My 6 year old niece came to live with us when she was released from a terrible living situation. Our daughter was 12 years old and our son was 10. My daughter had to share a room with her cousin. We ended up adopting my niece. Like all sisters, they have had their ups and downs over the years. Eventually, my eldest son went to college, but every time he returned home, he became openly resentful and hateful towards his younger sister. She picks arguments and is completely opposed when it comes to topics like sports teams. She accused her sister of stealing things from her, which turned out to be false. They just had the same kind of lipstick. These conflicts can blow in out of nowhere and then we visit and nothing happens.
It all started after my daughter moved home after graduation. She is out all day and night, waking up her family. It was difficult for my sister, who had just started a new job that started at 5am. She needs beauty sleep. The other daughter refused to shut up or be considered. She was loud, usually drunk, and had all the lights on. She started locking herself out of her bedroom and had to sleep on the couch. She argued that it was unfair and that she should be able to use her room as she pleased. We finally took her actions seriously. She slept on the couch all the time until her behavior changed. she exploded.
Help! My daughter talks about marriage like it’s a prison sentence. She will lose the perfect man. My wife is a tyrant. I want to be freed from my “duties” as a grandmother. This content is available only to Slate Plus members Our friends have always had more money than us. Now, they don’t really enjoy the reversal of positions. I received a large amount of money when I was young. What I did with it is coming back to haunt me.
She screamed that she hated her sister, that she was wrong, that she was just trash that we chose out of pity. She said we have always supported her and that my husband and I are abusive and A-holes. Her husband demanded an apology, but she refused. She was told to pack her things and leave the house for a few days. After that, she had a sexual relationship with her brother and ran away from home. It’s been a month. She refused to speak to us except for calling me twice to request money. She came back while we were out to get our things. She destroyed her sister and brother’s room, including destroying their laptops. Our other daughter started having nightmares and throwing up from stress, just like when she first started living with us. She is consulting with a school counselor, but we cannot afford private therapy at the moment. My husband says there is nothing we can do until our daughter admits she needs help. My heart is breaking here. What can you do?
Dear Lost Ones
Make sure your youngest daughter keeps her appointments with the school counselor. She should be able to speak at least once a week. Reassure your daughter and son that what is happening to your sister is not at all their fault and that they did nothing to cause this. Please do your best to let it happen. Next, change the locks so that your eldest daughter cannot enter the house unsupervised. Be firm by contacting her and letting her know that you can no longer support her until she is no longer willing to seek help. You may feel sorry for her, but you cannot allow her to terrorize her younger siblings and parents without consequences. If she is motivated to try to improve things, consider free or low-cost options for behavioral therapy or anger management. Tell your eldest son that you only want what’s best for her, but you can’t allow her to cause any more harm to the family.
–Jamila
