Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I went into parenting thinking we’d like to have three or four kids. My first pregnancy had some serious complications at the end, but my doctors agreed that a second pregnancy was still appropriate with a few precautions. My second pregnancy was terrible and ultimately led to a hysterectomy when the baby was delivered. Last year, when our kids were 3 and 4, we decided to explore adoption and/or fostering, as we felt like we still had room and love for more children in our life. Around the same time, my sister-in-law got married and pregnant with twins. She had never expressed much desire to have children and was definitely stressed to discover it was twins. When the twins were about 6 weeks old, they all came to stay with us for a weekend to attend SIL’s friend’s wedding, during which we agreed to watch the babies. They ended up texting around 11 p.m. that they’d had more to drink than they’d planned and the party was still going, so would we mind if they just got a hotel room and we’d keep watching the babies overnight? We were fine with it. The next day, when it was 3 p.m. and they still weren’t back and hadn’t answered any texts, my husband called them. They’d decided to take advantage of sleeping in, had brunch then had a few shops they wanted to check out, and thought it was a nice break from the babies.
Two weeks after the wedding, they asked to come visit us again. They told us that having twins was significantly more difficult than either of them had imagined and they were really missing their previous life and the ability to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. They said they knew we were considering adoption and wondered if we would take in their twins. They thought it would be the best solution as they could continue to see them and be involved in their lives (at their convenience). My husband and I were shocked. We spent the next month talking to them about it more and went to multiple counseling sessions with them. I went to the obstetrician with my SIL to discuss the possibility of postpartum depression affecting everything. The outcome of it all was that they didn’t want to be parents and wanted us to take the kids. Ultimately, we drew up a legal agreement, they surrendered parental rights and we adopted the twins.
We absolutely love the babies and feel like our family is complete now, but I don’t know how to interact with my brother-in-law and SIL anymore. I lost all respect for them when they basically admitted that their kids were an inconvenience they wanted to be rid of. (When we asked what they would do if we didn’t adopt them, they said they were considering other private adoption options.) It’s been a year, and everyone in my husband’s family just acts like what they did was perfectly normal. My BIL and SIL have even asked us not to tell the twins we aren’t their biological parents, which goes against the legal agreement we all signed. We plan to be open and honest with them about how they came to be a part of our immediate family. It’s so bizarre to me that everyone thinks this was a perfectly appropriate thing to do. Is there a way to discuss this with them?
—Just Gave Them Away
Dear Gave Away,
First and foremost, it sounds like you need to know whether the terms of your adoption agreement are legally enforceable, or whether some of the terms of the adoption can be changed. According to the Gladney Center for Adoption, that question can vary from state to state, and I would assume case by case as well. If you’re legally bound to the disclosure terms you all agreed to, then the current disagreement very well could be moot (unless they want to pursue this through legal channels).
Assuming you’re in murky waters, how you talk with your brother-in-law and sister-in-law about disclosing the adoption to the twins needs to come from a well-informed decision that you and your husband make. Adoption can mean a lot of joy, love, and comfort, but it can also mean trauma, confusion, and anger. I foresee a lot of those latter feelings for these twins, knowing that their birth parents (who they will presumably develop a relationship with) saw them as inconveniences to be surrendered. On the other hand, keeping this important truth from them—one that is central to their identities—is likely to feel like a betrayal once the twins inevitably find out. You need to do a lot of research on open and kinship adoptions to be sure you’re making the decision that is right for your family and these twins; if you haven’t already, find a support group where you can crowdsource resources and feedback. Then you’ll be able to inform the birth parents and the rest of the family how you will be proceeding regarding disclosing to the twins. Make no mistake: No matter who else in the family has what opinions, this is ultimately you and your husband’s call as the legal parents.
It is a bizarre situation you are in—not just the surrender of the kids, but the supposed blasé attitude of the rest of the family. You sound understandably unclear about how you’re even going to maintain a relationship with your BIL and SIL, given how this has played out. Keep an eye on the family dynamics here; while I hope everyone can exude love and grace around these children and their adoption, I worry that this inauspicious start might signal more drama and discomfort to come. I hope I’m wrong, but that’s all the more reason to find a support group, and maybe also a therapist for you and your husband, to help you make sense of this unique dynamic. Good luck.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My family of four (with a 3- and 5-year-old) just moved into a new house on a cul-de-sac in Colorado, and we’d love to meet our neighbors! What’s the best way to introduce ourselves? Do neighbors usually come by, or should we take the first step? I’m extremely introverted, so this makes me really anxious, but I want my daughters to make friends, and a bonus if we parents do as well. Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
—Meet the Neighbors
Dear Meet the Neighbors,
Congratulations on the new home! I hope it brings you many years of happy memories and very few repair bills.
I have owned three homes in two towns, and have found that how to meet neighbors seems to vary based on the town or block culture and the individuals nearby. In house number one, no one ever introduced themselves. House number two was in a new town and lots of neighbors introduced themselves as we were moving in. For house three, there was a block party two months after I arrived, and I met a lot of folks there.
The simplest way forward is to go around ringing doorbells and saying hello. I had dreams of doing this once, with my kids in a wagon and passing out little baggies of cookies to sweeten the experience (pun intended). Did I ever do it? Nope! Would it have been effective, now that I have gotten to know some of my neighbors? Probably! In your case, I would give your neighbors a week or two to see if anyone takes it upon themselves to say hello, and if not, consider deploying Operation Hello Wagon!
Other ideas to consider:
Play in your front yard and see if someone introduces themselves—it saves people from having to ring the doorbell, and it makes it feel less like they’re interrupting you. Plus it lets other kids on the block know that your kids are there.
Does your new home need any landscaping or façade work done? If so, consider making that one of your first home improvement projects. In my experience, neighbors familiar with the houses around theirs will stop on their morning walks to talk to you when they see you’ve fixed a longstanding blight (however minor) on the home.
Drop notes in mailboxes introducing your family and asking people to swing by to meet you all sometime.
Join the neighborhood social media group and ask folks in your area to introduce themselves.
Ask the other moms at your childcare whether they know anyone in your area. You might not get hits on your street, but maybe someone can introduce you to someone close by.
Get to know the parks near you (bonus points if they’re walkable) and get comfortable striking up conversations with other parents. As I mentioned last week, when it comes to making friends as adults, we are all at least a little bit awkward, but everyone wants their kids to have friends nearby.
Hopefully, by the time this letter publishes, a new neighbor has already brought you some brownies and a bouquet. If not, I wish you the best in your new home and finding your new friends.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How much should you take into account a child’s age when considering divorce? My spouse and I share a 9-year-old, and if I’m honest, I would have left three or more years ago if we didn’t have a child.
Trust and warmth are long gone, and my spouse has been voluntarily unemployed for five years. The latter has been the largest issue in my decision to stay or go. Due to their prolonged unemployment, we have debt, and I’m concerned about being ordered to pay for them to live elsewhere, which is not feasible. I’m also worried about being forced to sell our home, which compounds the changes to our child in immense ways. It’s unlikely we’d be able to stay in our area and their current school if I was forced to sell.
So here I sit in an unhappy marriage. Not abusive, but definitely manipulative, loveless, and massively unbalanced. I have no desire to find a new partner in the future, so is it best to just continue for the sake of our child? How do people know it’s time to pull the plug when the greatest impact is on everyone but themselves? I feel selfish wanting out when I know my child would be heartbroken and my spouse would have to quickly figure out employment, life, and finally being an adult. Wait until my child graduates? Wait until my spouse gets employed? Or go now and deal with the chaos and upheaval it leaves in its wake?
—Mom Wants Out
Dear Out,
I hear how frustrated you are. There are a lot of different schools of thought on divorce, and if you haven’t already done so, I suggest you head to the search bar at the top of this page and search for “Care and Feeding divorce” to see what advice my colleagues and I have given previous letter-writers. Getting a sense of what resonates and what does not might help you figure out what you ultimately want to do.
I know your initial question concerned your child’s age, but as I read your letter, it seemed like the financial aspects of divorce are what’s actually weighing heavily on you as you face this decision. Do you perhaps fear that you cannot afford a divorce, and so you’re trying to make peace with staying by rationalizing that it would be better for your child? If so, I strongly encourage you to book a consultation with a divorce lawyer who can help you understand how a split might financially play out. You wouldn’t be under any obligation to actually file, but you would have a much clearer idea of how a split is likely to go, and thus you could make a more informed decision. Once you have that information, then you can start to think about how a divorce would impact your child and others.
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My short answer to your question is that I don’t think your child’s age should be a prime factor at all. I think the most important thing to consider is whether you are creating a safe, supportive, and stable home for your child, and whether you are modeling the kind of relationship you want them to have in their future. A tense and unhappy home is terrible at any age. In your letter, you write, a divorce’s “greatest impact (would be) on everyone but (yourself.)” I find this sentence a little heartbreaking, because it feels like you’re deemphasizing your own happiness and fulfillment. Yes, your duty is to look out for your child and put their needs first, and yes, you currently provide stability and security to your husband, but these things should not have to come at the expense of your self-worth and fulfillment.
There is no magic answer for when to divorce. Now, never, when a child is older, and when a husband has a job are all equally valid options. Get more information from a lawyer and spend some time thinking about what kind of home your child is likely to have in the coming years and whether your marriage could be a place where you can be civil, content roommates at minimum. Hopefully, together, those perspectives will point in the direction that’s right for you and right for your family. Good luck.
—Allison
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I am from Australia and just moved to a deeply religious southern city in the U.S. There is a bit of a cultural difference in how overtly religious people are and my kids who are 10 and 14 are trying to navigate life in a new country. So I let the 10-year-old join a local religious youth group figuring he would be surrounded by basically wholesome types and able to make friends. But in between the bowling trips he is becoming indoctrinated into some pretty extreme ideas.
