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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am having a hard time accepting the nature of my parents’ relationship with me and my kids, to the point that I wonder why they even had kids to begin with, when they are always socializing and traveling instead of making time to see us. To give you some background, I am married with three young kids and live in NYC. My parents are retired and live a two- to three-hour drive away. My in-laws live and work full-time two hours away. We’ve developed roots in NYC, where our kids have built a solid foundation in the local public school. While we try to go down to see my parents when we can—typically on a long weekend or during a break when we have time off work—it is not that easy to travel down with a 2-, 4-, and 7-year old, especially given that we are also without a car.
Whenever my parents come up to visit, they always comment on the hardship of travel as well as the expense. They say these are the reasons they don’t come up as often. Yet they never complain about their multiple international trips a year, nor the times they drive four-to-six hours to a friend’s house in the Berkshires or to a beach house they rent with friends. Also, the majority of their visits to NYC are primarily because they have dinner reservations or show tickets with friends who come from out of town, and then they ask if we’re available on one of the days they’ll be around.
I’d almost rather they tell me straight up that they would rather spend their time with other people than continue with their excuses. They blame me for not giving them more opportunities to see the kids, even though we’ve made it clear that we’d love to see them more often but are limited by our work and the kids’ schedules.
I’m at the point where I need to stop pushing and accept this is how things are going to be. My mom talks about having limited time left, and says she won’t be able to do all the things she wanted to do in life. My husband and I are of the mindset that these years with the kids go by fast. His parents, who are still working full-time and live two hours away, visit every other weekend. How can I respond when my parents make comments about the cost and hardship when they visit us, knowing very well they spend just as much if not more traveling elsewhere? How can I accept the fact that they are choosing to spend more time with friends and traveling over spending time with us and the kids? And what can I do when they say that I’m keeping them from seeing the kids, when in reality we just fit into their social schedule whenever is convenient for them?
There is so much more to this. We’ve been through family therapy a few times. I’m the black sheep in the family and am often involved in arguments with them. The emotional toll just isn’t worth it anymore, and I am trying to find ways to move forward.
—Discarded Daughter
Dear Discarded Daughter,
You’ve already identified the right course on your own: You need to accept that this is how your parents are.
There’s a huge difference between accepting that—largely for your own sake!—and liking it, and you can live in the space between. You don’t have to like or understand it. You can question their priorities. You know you wouldn’t make the same decisions if you had the time and resources they have. But these are the choices your parents have made—to prioritize travel and friendships in their golden years. (And honestly? I think they’re far from alone in that as retirees of some means.)
I wouldn’t want to hear them complain about the cost or “hardship” of visiting you when they take multiple international trips a year, either. It’s fine to let them know you’re not here for those comments—that’s a perfectly acceptable boundary to try to set! And you don’t have to just make yourselves available at their beck and call when they’re in town for a show. If they ask to see you last-minute on one of their whirlwind trips with friends, you can always tell them it’s inconvenient to get together. If they ask why they don’t see you or the kids more often, you can be honest and remind them that they know exactly why: They don’t come to see you super often, and it’s hard for all of you to get to them because you have young children and no car.
You mentioned that your relationship with your parents is challenging; you’ve been to family therapy; your issues with them have weighed on you for some time. That’s hard, but as you seem to have realized, they are very unlikely to change at this point. You said yourself that the emotional toll isn’t worth it. If you’re at all able, I think a little emotional divestment could be a good and potentially healthy step for you. You don’t feel that your parents are putting much energy or effort into this relationship—maybe it’s ok for you to put less energy into it, too?
You can still let your parents know if and when they make you feel bad. You can say that you want them to spend more time with their grandchildren. You can tell them to stop the guilt trips. But I don’t think it’s good for you to continue to fixate on how much you wish they’d change. Accepting that they are limited in this particular way, unable or unwilling to give you what you’d hoped for, doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge when they hurt or disappoint you. It means that you don’t want their choices and limitations to be your burden anymore. Try not to agonize over your parents’ decisions—that’s a form of torture you don’t need. Focus on being as present as possible with your kids, and being the kind of parent you want to be.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I share three adult children: a daughter and boy/girl twins. Growing up, academics came easily to our daughters. They were both A students without really trying, while our son was a B/C student with a lot of effort. We never put much stock on grades, mostly because we could see how relative it was. In extracurriculars, our daughters naturally fell into their sports and activities and excelled at them, while our son tried out a few different ones but was never in the top tier like his sisters. Throughout their lives, we’ve celebrated the children equally—if our son placed fifth in his track race, we praised his effort and how he bettered his time, just as we praised our daughter’s effort if she placed first in her event. Although we didn’t play favorites at home, I know there were comments made at school and in the community that made our son feel devalued. When we were made aware of them, we always spoke up and let our son know how proud we were of him. His sisters have also been very supportive of him, and the three of them have a great relationship.
While our daughters are happy and thriving now, our son is depressed and constantly putting himself down. His twin’s school record in the long jump was recently broken after 10 years, and when we were talking about that meet, my husband mentioned that was the one where our son finally broke 70 seconds in the 400, which he’d been working on for a while. His response was: “Yeah, I finally got my PR in that race, and Amy shows me up by breaking the school record. Story of my life.” This is his response to most childhood memories. I hate that he feels like every accomplishment he had was shown up by one of his sisters, and he can’t appreciate his accomplishments on their own merit.
We have a family chat where we all give updates about our lives or just generally chat. Recently our son has had some successes in his career. He’ll send a text that says, “My boss really liked my ideas this quarter and is putting me up for a promotion. It’ll probably go to someone with more experience, though, so I’m not getting my hopes up” or “The article I wrote is getting some traction and was pulled for a local award. They’ll probably choose someone who is a better writer.” It is heartbreaking to see him being so down on himself. It feels like everyone in the family is his “hype man,” trying to pump him up, but then he accuses us of pitying him and not being genuine. Our daughters have also stopped sharing their successes because they don’t want to make their brother feel bad.
As a family, what else can we do to help him? He was tested in elementary school and was found not to have ADHD or a learning disability, but then tested as an adult and the test said that he did, as well as depression. He won’t go to a therapist or take any medications. I know that a person who is depressed often isn’t able to see light at the other side and therefore won’t get help, but I really, really want him to be happy and successful. He is so talented in so many ways, but I can’t get him to stop comparing himself to his sisters.
—No Favorites Here
Dear No Favorites,
You can be talented and successful in various ways, and still feel that you’re struggling in others. Whoever said that comparison is the thief of joy was correct, but that’s only part of the story here. It would be great if your son could stop comparing himself to his sisters. It might help him feel a bit better about himself, and no doubt it would be good for his relationships with all of you. But it wouldn’t address any unmet needs he has when it comes to his disability or his mental health.
I understand why you feel sad and frustrated that he hasn’t sought more professional support. I want to gently point out that you talked a lot about how you feel and what you want for him—you “really, really want him to be happy and successful”; you are heartbroken; you hate that he feels this way about his childhood. Of course, this affects and worries you; no parent likes to see their child hurting or being down on themselves. But this is how he feels, despite how supportive you’ve tried to be. Ultimately, you can’t control how he feels, any more than you can control his actions or whether he seeks treatment.
In a way, though, it’s encouraging that he can share his feelings and insecurities with you, and that he felt able to tell you about his diagnoses as an adult. Those might be signs that he trusts you, or at least doesn’t feel a need to hide harder facts or feelings from his family. Worse than your child hurting, I think, is them hurting without your knowledge or support. As parents, we can’t prevent our kids from pain or struggle, but we can do our best to make sure they don’t face it alone. Your son isn’t alone, because he has you, and—at least to some degree?—he’s told you about it and let you in.
When he shares what he’s feeling, try to resist the urge to tell him why that’s wrong or talk him out of it. You don’t want him to get the impression you think that the feelings themselves are wrong. If he downplays the likelihood of that promotion, maybe you can say that you believe in him and you know he must have done great work to be up for it in the first place, but you understand him not wanting to count on something that hasn’t happened yet. If he talks about some childhood event in which he was outperformed by one of his sisters, acknowledge how he feels and don’t say he’s wrong, but also remind him how proud you were (and are) of him. You can still try to help him see his strengths, and tell him what you genuinely love and appreciate about him, without negating how he feels.
It’s really hard to feel like you’re always telling your child about a goodness they can’t see in themselves. And it’s hard to try to support them through depression and other immense challenges. Your son is really the only one who can decide what sort of help to seek and when, but you can still encourage him to consider it. You can keep pointing out that getting diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability and depression was an important step, and has given him valuable information. You can remind him that he’s not alone, and he deserves whatever treatment and support he needs. If cost is a barrier (many, many therapists don’t take health insurance) and you can assist, make the offer. Make sure he knows that you’re always available, and encourage him to identify other people he can call and talk to if he needs—to line up the real support he already has.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 4.5-year-old daughter is going through a phase of being very stubborn, and I’m struggling with how to respond in specific situations. First of all, she’ll be excited about doing an activity like the pool or visiting a friend, and then, at the last minute, whine “noooo i want to stay hoooome” and slip into what we call “loosey goosey mode” where she kind of regresses into 2-year-old behavior and speech. In this mode, she won’t focus long enough to chat through our plans and instead will just roll around on the floor or babble to her toys.
Secondly, she’s having a very hard time with minor disappointments—we just tried to attend story time at the library, and I explained that she couldn’t have the bag of popcorn from our lunchbox, but she could have a quiet clean snack like an applesauce pouch. She spent the whole story time with her arms crossed, refusing to participate and quietly asking to leave. Small moments like this happen 10 times a day every day. She’s not screaming or being aggressive, just exhibiting quiet but whiny obstinance and a need for control. The main issue is that she’s missing out on things that she finds fun and instead spending a lot of time being cross. I think she’s old enough to start having conversations about her attitude and temperament in a big picture way, but I still want to keep it age-appropriate and support her independent streak.
—Ready for School to Start
Dear Ready,
Transition from one activity to another, or one place to another, can be really hard for some kids—even when it’s an activity they enjoy. Hence all the parental “warnings” leading up to an event: “Today we’re going to the museum”; “We’re leaving for the museum in 15 minutes”; “We’re leaving in 5 minutes, time to go to the bathroom and put on your shoes,” etc. So one thing to think about is just how much time you’re building in for transitions, and whether your child needs a few more reminders or check-ins.
I could say a lot more about calmly talking through your plans—always my instinct, too!—but as you mentioned, that’s really hard to do when your daughter isn’t calm. I could also go on about consequences; you could choose to give her some when she persists in whining. But I think the most important “consequence” for whining is just not getting whatever it is they’re after—kids whine more when they have a hope of it paying off. In your child’s case, she often acts this way when you know it’s something she’d actually enjoy, which makes me think she might really be after attention more than anything else.
So I just wouldn’t respond to or engage with her toddler-like behavior and speech whenever possible. You could say something like, “Hmm, I don’t understand what you’re saying or what you want, because you’re whining and doing baby talk! Let me know when you’re ready to talk politely / like a big girl.” Your daughter may well escalate the behavior, trying whatever she can think of to get your attention, but she needs to learn that’s not how this works. If you can still get her into the car without a total meltdown, go ahead and drive to the pool or the library or wherever you had planned to go (she might calm down on the way); again, you don’t want her to learn that she can make your whole day stop by being whiny. You can still support her independence and ability to make choices by letting her help make plans when she’s calm, not whining and rolling around on the floor.
Another note: Since she’s doing this 10 times a day (!), you could also think about whether she’s at all overscheduled, or whether you’re trying to go out and do things at a time when she feels especially tired or dysregulated? That might not be it at all, and I’m not suggesting you become homebodies—it just might be worth considering what all she’s doing and whether it feels like a lot. If so, you can build in more breaks or restful activities, more time for creative play at home, etc.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 21-month-old daughter splits her time between two homes where she is well cared for and loved. She is hyper-independent and not super accepting of new people. She doesn’t accept my mom as a caregiver even though she sees her often. A week ago, we changed her daycare to one that was more convenient for us. She hates it. The other day when I picked her up, they said she was “sad all day.” And when I dropped her off sobbing the next day, they called me 15 minutes later to pick her up because she had puked three times from crying so hard. She went from being thrilled to go to school to not napping and being miserable all day. I knew there would be an adjustment period, but at what point do we pull the plug if her old daycare will take her back. How long do we do this misery dance? The staff at her new daycare seem really nice, and they want to work with us. But when they ask for suggestions I’m at a bit of a loss because she usually just wants to be left alone when she’s upset. I feel so guilty for taking her out of the place she loved and was so loved.
—New School Sadness
Dear New School Sadness,
First: You haven’t done anything wrong and you don’t need to feel guilty! This is a bummer for both of you, but it’s only been a week—you don’t have to throw in the towel just yet. I also don’t believe that figuring this out is entirely on you. The daycare has seen plenty of upset kids before, and they should really know of some things to try. It’s appropriate for them to ask you for ideas, but this should ideally be something all parents and caregivers work together on, not something you’re expected to fix all on your own.
If you have the ability to work your daughter up to a full day at daycare, that might be worth considering. (When my younger child was 2, she struggled a lot with drop-off, so we started with a two-hour session and extended to the full day over the course of a week or so.) And think about whether there is a particular transition ritual that could ease her into the day there. Is there some activity she really wants to start with? A caregiver or other person she wants to look for? (My other child would keep an eye out for a certain friend in her first few weeks of care—once she saw him, she was ok with a parent leaving.) Some kids want to bring a favorite object from home with them.
You can think about what she really enjoyed doing at her last daycare, and make sure some of those same fun things—and some new and therefore possibly exciting-to-her activities—are part of her day at the new place. Do what you can to encourage any new friendships outside of daycare hours. I know you want to talk positively about the new daycare and remind her of all the fun things she can do there, but no one has fun all day, every day, and you can also acknowledge what’s hard about it right now: “I know change can be really hard. I can see that you’re sad/worried/mad/etc. It’s ok to feel sad when I leave, but you know that I’ll be back soon to pick you up.” Even if your 21-month-old can’t talk with you a lot about how she’s feeling at her age, she still wants you to notice and to care.
Stay in touch with her caregivers and keep the lines of communication open. If you’re certain the staff is good and professional and treating your child well, I’d give these and other strategies some time to work. It’s normal for kids to need a few weeks or even longer to adjust to a new environment. Of course, it’s possible that it’s just not a good fit—if there’s truly no improvement after a month or two, you can think about whether she needs a different daycare.
—Nicole
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