Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
We know it’s important for parents to support each other while raising children and ensure each gets the break they need, but the level at which one parent needs a break is different from that of the other. How should I approach this when they are fundamentally different? My husband was very gentle with our 19-month-old and 2-year-old when they were infants, but now he is firmly treating them as toddlers. Within 30 minutes of entering the school year, you may find yourself overwhelmed by your children. I’ve tried talking to him about his expectations for toddler behavior (and I don’t think they’re very realistic), as I think that’s the cause of his anger towards toddlers, but to no avail. It was. He grew up in a very strict household. There are repercussions (generally physical) if you don’t, and that started very early on. He would never have a physical relationship with or harm our children, but his parents’ (and other relatives’) standards of behavior are so deeply ingrained that he does not want to adjust. I think it’s difficult to do. He always ends up in burnout and seems to be at a point where he takes a break from active parenting, and I’m never in that phase. How can I build stronger coping mechanisms and encourage him to adjust his expectations so that I can get an actual break myself and not just at night when the kids are both asleep? Is it?
— Even if I burn out, it won’t be as bad as him.
Dear burnt out,
It’s understandable why your husband grew up in an authoritarian household, so he probably couldn’t have been a typical child, let alone misbehaved and was easily beaten down without physical punishment. If his own past is making parenting difficult, he should know that help is out there. I’m glad he doesn’t want to parent like his own parents, but parenting is still necessary. He can’t just check out and leave everything to you until your kids are both at “easy” ages (just like I don’t really think there’s a “bad” age) , I also don’t think there are any consistently “easy” ages).
I think it’s okay to let him know both your needs and the risks. He needs to step up and parent the kids, not just for you to get the rest and recharge time you need, but for his own sake and his. your relationship with them. If you don’t, he’ll miss the chance to get to know and be close to them, and they won’t grow up knowing they can depend on him the same way they depend on you, leaving you exhausted and resentful. will inevitably increase.
As for his behavioral expectations, I think they will naturally start to change as he spends more time actively raising his children and gets used to what children this age are like. Masu. I don’t know what it’s like when he’s “overwhelmed,” but you said you didn’t have to worry about him harming them, so that means you’re keeping them with him. I think it means that I’m not afraid to leave it behind. If so, one thing to try…is to leave them with him? When you take your next break, leave the house so you’re not there to “help” (take over). please. It’s okay to start with a short amount of time, such as a few hours, and expand from there.
You can turn off your phone or tell him not to call you unless it’s a real emergency. If you don’t already know this, keep a list of your children’s favorite meals and snacks, favorite activities, favorite books and music, and tried-and-true pastimes. Or you can take it out of your house to the park, a friend’s house, or anywhere else. The important thing is that they do whatever they are going to do while you have some peace.
And you know, sometimes he can still be overwhelmed! It happens to the best among us. Raising two young children is no easy task. But he’ll get through it, and he’ll get through the next one, and the kids will be fine, and then he’ll learn that anyone can do this: practice and do it. By that.
Need advice on parenting, kids, and family life?
Submit your Care and Feeding questions here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited and published.)
Dear care and food,
I have 5 children and after having my last child I just couldn’t seem to adjust at all. I can’t seem to get my shit together for the life of me. I try to write everything down, but every week I still find myself forgetting someone’s dentist appointment, forgetting someone’s birthday party, realizing I missed a bill payment date, or missing a parent-teacher meeting. Sometimes I forget to find a babysitter. I missed a meeting I had promised to attend, I ran around the house in the morning looking for clean underwear, I realized I hadn’t called the doctor’s office back, and I did it all over again. I’m exhausted and miserable. I can’t live like this. But I don’t know how to make everything work. I would appreciate any ideas from parents for being more organized and less chaotic.
-Struggling
Dear struggling people
If I knew the secret to raising children all together, I wouldn’t have to write this column or do much of anything. Because I’m going to be a millionaire.
I know I’ve already written everything down, but the truth is that I don’t really know what to expect that could be lost (or taken and drawn by a child, thrown away, or otherwise destroyed). What is paper, except for what it is? Even if I had a favorite paper notebook and wrote everything down, I would often forget to look at it. I don’t have everything myself, but I can say that I am now extremely dependent on both my personal Google Calendar and my family’s shared Google Calendar. I have drifted away from the faith of my childhood. Digital calendars are basically my religion now. I’m obsessed with adding appointments and obligations to my digital calendar the moment they’re scheduled. I invite other members of my family to events that are relevant to them (this ensures I’m not the only one who knows what’s going on). I check it every Sunday to see what’s coming up that week, and every morning to take a snapshot of the day.
Also, something that has been really helpful for me is being able to set email reminders for things that I have to prepare in advance. I sometimes miss phone notifications, but it’s hard (for me) to completely miss email nudges. For example, if it’s a birthday, you’ll need to not only attend the party but also source gifts, so set up an email reminder a week in advance (so you have time to find and purchase items) . Then one day in advance (so you can make any last minute arrangements you need), and the last three hours before (so you can remember to get ready and actually go). I know this won’t work for everyone, and it might not work for you either. I’m sure there are more suggestions in the comments. My editor suggested I look into the “reminder” or “task” feature on my phone. My editor is always tweeting, “Hey Google, remind me that Nicole’s great draft is available for editing on Tuesdays at 10am,” which is great.
I hope you can find some kind of system that helps you feel a little better about things. Another thing to keep in mind if you have a spouse or partner is that none of this is your sole responsibility, or at least it shouldn’t be. Although the administrative burden of raising children and running a household may be unavoidable, shared labor should be undertaken whenever possible. I hope you give yourself a little grace as you consider what system is right for you. With five kids, of course there’s a lot going on each week. And no matter how many kids you have, sometimes something slips through. In such cases, try not to blame yourself.
Get the latest information on care and feeding
· Missed previous columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear care and food,
We have two children ages 1 and 4 and a half. We all eat dinner together, but my four-and-a-half-year-old takes three times as long to finish eating. This has become a problem lately because one-year-olds can’t sit at the table that long. Is it weird to ask a 4.5 year old to finish his own meal while one of us plays with the baby and the other cleans up the dishes?
—Restaurant Manager
Dear Manager,
I don’t think it’s at all strange for one parent to go entertain their one-year-old while the siblings finish their meal. I might feel a little better if the parents who stayed put a four-and-a-half-year-old company on the table. Your food may have to wait. Again, I’m not sure how much time we’re talking about here (my kids, like their mom, tend to eat as if they’ll never see food again). If your family eats dinner in the kitchen, as many families do, you can start washing the dishes while your four-and-a-half-year-old eats in the kitchen, without leaving your four-and-a-half-year-old completely alone. Maybe. Or, if you don’t want her to eat alone in the dining room while you start cleaning up, have her bring the rest of her dinner to the kitchen with the parent on dishwashing duty.
Dear care and food,
My 5 1/2 year old daughter stays in pull ups all night. When I try on underwear, I end up wetting myself within a few days. I took her to her dream pee last night around 11 and she woke up wet around 1:30. We have always taken the approach that she cannot train at night and her body is ready at that time. But she is sad and wants to stop doing pull-ups at night. When I looked into products that could help with this, most of them basically set off an alarm when you pee. She doesn’t seem to need that. It wakes up when wet, but not beforehand. Is there anything else I can do? Will she adjust herself? What else can we do to make these products work?
–You’re not actually swimming, are you?
For those who cannot swim
I don’t know much about the alarm products you mentioned, but it seems likely that at least some of them are sensitive enough to detect very small amounts and sound when a child just starts to urinate. I am. The hope is that your child will gradually learn to take breaks long enough to go to the bathroom when the alarm goes off, and eventually learn how to get up before going.
My child was hit by a car. I didn’t really expect any results. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. I know the disgusting backstory of the father at my child’s school. Should I tell everyone? I’m thinking of giving up on my relationship with my granddaughter. Her attitude is beyond. This content is available only to Slate Plus members I questioned my son about what he wrote in his diary. And he completely switched on.
I know a lot of kids who were doing pull-ups at night at 5, 6, or even later. If you are concerned or need further advice on this, always consult your pediatrician. But until then, you should try some other basic things. Don’t drink any liquids at all, or at least limit yourself to one or two sips. Drink a glass of water between dinner and bedtime (of course, make sure your child drinks enough early so they don’t become dehydrated). Wake her up to go to the bathroom before going to bed. It might also be a good idea to set an alarm clock for yourself and have them try one more time in the morning.
Of course accidents happen and are part of night training. Even if you have a few accidents, that’s not necessarily a reason to stop practicing. I’m not saying she has to keep dealing with wet sheets and interrupted sleep forever, but don’t expect her to train herself in just a few nights. If you really try and it doesn’t take long, reassure her that it’s okay and ask her to try again in a few months. If you haven’t already, invest in a good mattress protector.
—Nicole
More advice from Slate
My husband and I have been married for over 10 years and have two beautiful children. I always dreamed of having a big family and agreed to have more children early on, but due to various circumstances (mainly financial), after giving birth to the first two children, he I chose to undergo somewhat permanent surgery. I was against it, but during an unusually stressful time, I briefly said, “Whatever you want, just do it,” and he jumped at the chance. I immediately regretted it.
