If you purchase an independently reviewed product or service through a link on our website, SheKnows may receive an affiliate commission.
I had my first exposure to connected, gentle parenting through the adoption community. Some parents trusted the techniques taught by Dr. Karin Purvis. Purvis is best known for coining the term “children from difficult backgrounds.” The term describes the children she worked with as having “suffered trauma, abuse, neglect, and other adverse circumstances early in life.” Purvis worked hard to gain children’s trust and build deep emotional connections in order to support and empower them. Her methods worked with children in difficult situations as well as those without.
Related article: My husband and I disagree about how to celebrate Halloween
How is this possible? After all, many of us grew up with old-fashioned parenting and don’t believe that it has caused us untold harm. We learned to respect our parents, teachers, and coaches, right? Whether it’s standing in the corner, getting the occasional spanking, being locked out of the TV, or going out with friends, the world doesn’t end just because you’re in time-out. Why shouldn’t we do the same for our own children?
The more I learned about calm, connected parenting, the more I realized that “traditional” parenting just doesn’t work in the long run. Traditional or old-fashioned parenting was about getting parents what they wanted as quickly as possible.
In fact, good old-fashioned parenting can be downright exhausting for parents and confusing for children. Additionally, my husband and I have four children, so there are a lot of behaviors and influences that we constantly have to deal with. no thanks.
We have evolved parenting as we learn about how children’s brains function and develop. Children crave the same things that adults do: acceptance, empathy, second chances, listening, support, problem-solving help, and, of course, unconditional love. Old-fashioned parenting offered none of these. Instead, it was highly authoritarian, causal (without remorse), and punishment independent of crime. In essence, old-fashioned parenting requires more effort and less reward.
Dr. Candice Jones is a mother of two, pediatrician, host of “KIDing Around With Dr. Candice,” and an advocate of connective parenting. In fact, she wrote an entire book with very gentle parenting vibes called “High-Five Discipline: Positive Parenting for Happy, Healthy, and Well-Behaved Children.” Dr. Jones told She Knows that traditional parenting, which emphasizes punishment, is “insufficient.” It does not teach children how to make better behavioral choices for themselves in the future. Related article: My husband and I disagree about how to celebrate Halloween
She also adds that we need to understand what discipline actually means. Discipline “means teaching, not punishing or controlling.” Parenting works “in a positive, helpful, and connecting way.” Fraud management can also be managed using this approach. Our children are not guilty of murder (lying, stealing, screaming, etc.). Instead, they learn to make up, express their feelings, and do better next time.
Please read it again. Discipline is about guiding, helping, and teaching, not turning children into obedient robots who sacrifice their emotions to appease adults. Yes, children have to learn rules and how to follow them, but they need our help to do so. Step-by-step, gentle, connected, positive parenting.
For example, if your tween repeatedly doesn’t turn in homework, you can take away their cell phone for two weeks after giving a lecture. But we know that our tweens will miss lectures, and taking away their phones and not turning in homework have nothing to do with it. Plus, your child won’t learn anything if you start yelling about responsibilities and distractions.
You may be wondering what you can do in this situation. Calm, connected parenting involves asking your child what happened and how they felt. What could be causing them to be distracted or forgetful? What can you do next time? It is likely that the school has already issued a disciplinary action. Your job is not to overly punish. Your job is to understand the “why” behind their behavior, help them problem-solve for next time, and perhaps decide together how they can be more active.
When we gave our older two children cell phones, we worked with them to create rules. These were very clear and fair and written on paper. We also discussed the results. If a rule was broken, what did the children think was an appropriate consequence that would allow them to “reset” and do better next time?Children would be required to use their cell phone if they broke a rule. Agreed that it may be necessary to stop. While taking off your phone may feel like a punishment, it was actually an opportunity to take a step back and think about making better decisions next time.
When you practice connected, gentle parenting, the results are often quite natural. In our family, if a child breaks someone else’s belongings, we use their pocket money to replace them. If you break something in the house, your parents will help you fix it. These include no yelling, no threats, and no random consequences. Parenting in a calm, positive way brings great relief to parents as there is little drama. (I say that mainly because kids never like consequences. But consequences are good for kids!)
Remember that results will never come unless the parent-child relationship is on good terms. Once the child and parent are calm and ready to talk, discuss the violation. Children have an equal say in fixing the situation, and their feelings are always valid. For example, it is permissible to feel frustrated or disappointed. We have space for that. But no matter how they feel, they are still responsible for their choices. This is also a great time to ask your child what they think the next step should be, even if it isn’t set in advance. Sometimes it can be as simple as an apology.
We understand that some parents feel that gentle parenting does not allow their children to thrive in the real world. After all, the real world is harsh and can quickly “punish” you. However, I would argue that parenting that centers on trust and attachment between parent and child teaches children so many valuable life skills. Children learn to discipline themselves so they can make better decisions. They learn to negotiate, self-reflect, problem solve, and voice their feelings (rather than bottling them up or letting their parents pretend they don’t matter). Of course, parents need to model these things. It’s not good to just talk but not walk the walk.
This may all sound great, but so what? How should parents practice this kind of parenting, especially if they were raised very differently? Thankfully, Dr. Jones’ There are lots of great resources out there, including podcasts and books. I also recommend “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel Siegel. There are some amazing and kind parents on Instagram and TikTok who provide short videos and captions on how to practice connective parenting across all ages and situations.
Kind parenting is not just about discipline. Gentle parenting means always acknowledging, supporting, encouraging, and guiding your children through good times and bad. It’s about spending quality time with them and listening to them without judgement. It’s about validating their feelings and sharing ideas. This does not mean that you are not a parent and your child is not a child. Practicing mutually respectful parenting is much more meaningful than focusing on random discipline.
Positive parenting is not a lack of discipline, nor is it about coddling or producing entitled children. Rather, positive parenting means giving children a voice, helping them deal with their emotions, using their words and bodies respectfully, and trusting adults to help them solve problems and try again. It’s about learning. Adults are not a threat. They are coaches and easy places to land.
