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Dear care and food,
My best friend and I have been friends for over 25 years and are sisters by choice. We have a husband and two children. We don’t live that close together now, but we try to see each other every few weeks. Plus, I still live close to where we grew up, so when she comes to visit her mom, I’m with her all weekend. She has two boys, Andrew (age 9) and Cole (age 11), and I have a boy, Chase (age 12), and a girl, Harper (age 11). My kids mostly play by themselves, but my best friend and I spend quality time together in person. Andrew has a number of issues, including ADHD and anxiety, for which he is receiving treatment.
Last weekend, while the children were playing, Andrew tried to kiss Harper. We found out because Cole came to say that Andrew was “doing something inappropriate.” My friend had Andrew apologize to Harper and she also spoke separately to Harper. However, after talking to Harper in the car on the way home, I found out that this was their second attempted kiss in the same day. My friend was angry when I told her. She apologized and said she knew “this was the scenario he would eventually come up with.” We agree that Harper should never be alone with Andrew, and my husband and I will use this opportunity to stand up for ourselves and remind her that if anyone ever makes her feel uncomfortable, We spoke to Harper about speaking up. I know kids are curious and test boundaries, and this story could have been much worse, but I’m not going to let Harper be near Andrew again. I can’t get rid of my anxiety about this.
—A mother with an anxious daughter
Dear Anxiety,
I’m confused as to why your friend “knew” that her son would eventually try to force the other child to kiss him (but maybe he could control his impulses) Are you struggling?). Without knowing more (much), I honestly don’t know if pushing Harper away from Andrew completely is an overreaction. And I don’t know if you know either. But there are some things you can do while you figure this out.
My father-in-law won’t pay for a destination wedding, so I’m boycotting vacations! My voluptuous neighbor dresses like a stripper when she jogs. I want to shame her on Facebook. Puberty is having a profound effect on my niece. She’s taking it to my more fortunate daughter. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. Our in-laws continued to spend a lot of money on their children’s weddings. You wouldn’t believe what they’re asking for now.
One is to talk, and keep talking, to Harper (and Chase) about personal safety, unwanted touching, consent, and saying no. The Children’s Committee provides very helpful resources for such conversations. Andrew’s attempted kiss is a good excuse to make kissing a priority, especially for people who have never kissed before. But at least for the time being, I’m going to leave my best friend alone as I work to understand both why she knew this was going to happen and whether or not her son is a threat to her daughter. We recommend that you refrain from arguing. You can play with your children, so the two of you can watch over them while they play. It’s a small enough sacrifice. And if your friends are in town and you really want to spend some alone time, leave the kids at home with another parent or sitter, have dinner together, and take the boys to their mother’s place. Why not leave it there? Or coffee? (And while you’re chatting without the kids, you can ask your chosen sister why she said the same thing you said about her son.) You can also be honest about your own insecurities. You can also talk.)
—Michelle
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