Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
My mother divorced my father when I was 5 years old and remarried when I was 7 years old. My stepfather has a daughter the same age as me and we grew up together. Two years ago, my sister-in-law got married and my father-in-law made her have a wedding in Mexico. I’m getting married next year and would like to have the wedding in Hawaii. However, my father-in-law is not willing to pay for it.
It’s unfair that one daughter can pay for a wedding and the other can’t. I told my mother how I felt and she said that my father-in-law paid for the wedding because my boyfriend and I make much more money than my sister-in-law. Our income doesn’t matter. What matters is the principle.
As a result, I refused to visit my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m considering not inviting my father-in-law and sister-in-law to the wedding because I think I have a right to be upset. My mother keeps crying and says I’m tearing our family apart. I hope they understand how I feel.
—Agitated Daughter
Dear upset daughter,
Your sister-in-law may not have been able to afford a wedding, but your father-in-law seems to think that at least you and your fiancé can afford it. I understand that having your parents pay for your wedding is a classic tradition, but in the modern world, people don’t necessarily feel obligated to follow such ancient customs. In the past, couples who had their weddings paid for were often young, single, and in relationships who earned money, and it may have been impossible for them to pay for such an event. It would be a nice gesture for your father-in-law to pay for your wedding, but he is not obligated to do so just because he paid for your sister-in-law. It’s understandable why you might feel like he’s prioritizing his biological daughter over you, but that’s not necessarily the case. It could simply be helping a child in need. If you and your fiancé can afford a wedding, why should your father-in-law have to pay for the wedding?
I don’t think you should miss out on vacations with your family. Instead, schedule time to spend together during your visit so you can express your feelings. It may be helpful for your stepfather to hear that you feel like he thinks less of you than his other children. If you have financial problems (which is always a good reason not to have an expensive wedding), let him know that he can help pay for the wedding you want. Perhaps he will change his mind. It’s boring not to invite your father-in-law to an event without paying for it, and it’s unconscionable to decline your sister-in-law’s invitation. What did she do to you?I think if you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to pay for it. We’re sorry to hear this, but the vast majority of couples aren’t planning on getting married in 2024.
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Dear care and food,
My girlfriend and I have been fighting over her accusations that I don’t do “hard enough” with her kids and that I’d rather have my sister’s kids than hers. We just had a heated argument. My nephews and nieces are adventurous, curious and enthusiastic about the world. My girlfriend’s kids don’t want to look up from their iPads. I tried to take them to the lake where they could jet ski, paddle board, and swim. They didn’t want to go into the water. We went hiking in the national park. Within 30 minutes they were “tired” and whined that they wanted to go home. Zoos, children’s museums, carnivals, they want to use their iPads and don’t try anything.
My girlfriend gives in as soon as they whine enough and gives them the electronics. She gets defensive when I say that, and aggressive when I say I don’t want to waste their time, money, and effort when they want to be home and glued to their screens. They’re not bad kids. They do their chores with plenty of stimulation and we generally get along, so I consider that a win. I told my girlfriend I can’t have it both ways. When I try to get the kids to leave the screens at home, she pushes me and says I can’t be their parent. That’s fine, but I’m not indulging in the useless act of having them enjoy themselves six inches from my face. We’ve done this multiple times already. I love my girlfriend and I know blended families can be complicated, but I’m tired of her trying to make me the bad guy here. How should I deal with this?
—I will do my best
Dear Mr. Trying
I recommend that you and your girlfriend attend couples counseling. Because I think you’ve already spent enough time trying to get her to understand your point of view. It may be helpful for her to hear an outside voice on this issue, and a third party may be more effective in helping her understand that she is being irrational here. Tell her that you really love her and want to make things work, but there’s a good chance the two of you will reach an impasse and never stop disagreeing on this issue.
If for some reason therapy is not an option, tell her in no uncertain terms that she has put you in an impossible situation. She wants you to spend quality time with the kids who don’t want to do anything. But screen time. She won’t let her kids tell them they have to step away from the screen. Ask your kids exactly what you expect them to do to keep them occupied when you give them permission to just go inside your electronic devices. Has she told you what more effective engagement with them would look like? Challenge her to offer some solutions. When thinking about the future of your relationship, keep in mind that things are unlikely to change without intervention.
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Dear care and food,
My marriage to my first wife had been cold, sexually unfulfilling, and controlling for years. I discreetly found women outside of marriage who were interested in me in ways that my ex-husband was not interested in. When my ex-husband found out, she told our children and caused a messy divorce. My girlfriend unexpectedly became pregnant and I had to move out of state and arrange custody for her. I used to see my kids on holidays and vacations, and my ex-husband always talked bad about me to them and encouraged them to be cocky and misbehave when they visited. They were never kind to my girlfriend and didn’t give her any flexibility in adjusting to being a stepmom. I always believed that things would get better once they were adults, and I recognized my ex’s toxic behavior and understood that adults have sexual desires too. This fall, my second daughter had her first grandchild. I was planning to visit for Christmas, but she announced that she would be inviting her mother and sister, that we would have to choose another day, and that my son and girlfriend would not be welcome. He’s my first grandchild, but I haven’t met him yet. How should I convince her about this?
-grandfather
Dear Grandpa
Help! My voluptuous neighbor dresses like a stripper when she jogs. I want to shame her on Facebook. Puberty is having a profound effect on my niece. She’s taking it to my more fortunate daughter. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. Our in-laws continued to spend a lot of money on their children’s weddings. You wouldn’t believe what they’re asking for now. My wife is lazier than my father, who is the most indifferent and does nothing. But it turns out it’s much worse than that.
I’m not denying that your ex-wife may have been cruel to you during your marriage, but I would like you to consider the situation from your daughter’s perspective. You entered into a relationship outside of your marriage. Her mother led you to divorce. Then you moved out of state to care for your new child, and you only saw your first child during holidays and vacations. Teacher, you should be grateful that your daughter spoke to you at all. You feel virtually no responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage, blame your ex for ruining it, brag about how thoughtful you are, and tell your children they understand your sexual desires. I would like to receive it. In the first place, instead of asking your wife for a divorce, you chose to have an affair and separated yourself from your children again! Do you expect your children to understand that? Please let me rest! It’s a pity that they never accepted your girlfriend, but considering that you betrayed this woman and your mother, it’s not difficult to understand. What’s even sadder is that your daughter doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship with your other children, which isn’t surprising considering you left her to raise her. . Ask your daughter when is the best time to visit, bring a good gift and be glad that she was even allowed to come.
–Jamila
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