Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
I told my husband over two years ago that I wanted a divorce. We have two children, and we generally co-parent them very well, and still attend family parties and events together, including our children. We are very close to our extended family. The problem is that my parents never accepted our divorce, so I haven’t told my siblings either. I come from a large family (I forget how many uncles, aunts, and cousins there are), and the whole family is pretty traditional (i.e. divorce judgment), and I don’t know anyone. My parents wanted to tell their family about it, but I think they were too embarrassed to do so. It became much more difficult to live my life and move forward. Because I feel like I can’t be my true self in front of people. It feels weird to tell friends and acquaintances or post anything on social media that suggests you’re divorced.
I recently gave my mom a mild ultimatum that if she didn’t tell her family right away, I would. I started dating someone new over a year ago, but given the fact that my family will find out I’m divorced and soon find out that I’m already dating a new guy… It’s getting very awkward. Should I hide the fact that I’m dating him until they get used to the news of my divorce? I feel so embarrassed about it all when I should be really happy about this new chapter in my life. How can we share all this news?
-Divorce was easy
Dear Easypart
There’s no need to hide the fact that you’re happily divorced and moving on to a new relationship. Please let your family know what happened and that you are doing incredibly well. Post all you want on social media about the current state of your life. Explain to your parents that you are not ashamed of your situation and would appreciate it if other relatives were honest when they talked about you. You don’t need to feel ashamed. You and your ex are on good terms, your children are doing well, and you’ve found a new partner. Be proud of how well you coped with a difficult situation and that things went well for everyone.
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Dear care and food,
My sister has two sons, ages 10 and 8. Her partner has a 9-year-old daughter, Mary. Mary is a typical spoiled only child, accustomed to always having her way.
She frequently pouts, complains, and whines when she doesn’t get her way with others quickly. Mary is hard enough to cope alone, but with her nephews she becomes impossible. I took all three of my kids to the Halloween Carnival. That way my sister could finish the repairs on the house without all the kids stepping on her toes. It was expensive so I said let’s pick a game and one ride and then eat. Mary immediately went into battle mode as her nephew chose the roller coaster. She wanted a roller coaster, but “That wasn’t fair!” I told Mary she could ride the roller coaster twice, but after that, she couldn’t ride again. Mary argued that it was unfair. My nephew chose another vehicle just to keep the peace. We played rides and games. My younger nephew won an award, but Mary did not. That wasn’t “fair” either.
When it was time to leave, Mary continued to whine, not wanting to go. I decided to stop at a hamburger place, but Mary wouldn’t get out of the car because she wanted pizza. I told Mary I had enough. Either she starts doing the right thing and comes to get food, or she sits in the car and doesn’t get anything. Mary decided to stay in the car. I texted my sister and her partner about what was going on.
When I dropped the kids off, my sister looked unhappy and said she couldn’t believe I had acted that way. The way I treated Mary was “out of line”. I left and then texted my sister that I would not include Mary in any future activities with the boys, especially about our plans to live together, and that she would keep quiet if I thought things would improve. She accused me of going out of line, out of line, and trying to “ruin” our new family. I didn’t reply. I really like my sister’s partner, but Mary is annoying. I know she’s only 9 years old, but her behavior is exhausting and I can’t handle it. Their mother is firmly in la-la-land and has no long-term strategy other than to be there for her nephews. Do you have any advice?
–Mary Contrary
Dear Mary Contract,
Help! My sister foolishly bought a farm in order to “raise her children on the land.” Now she’s trying to drag me into the dirt. I’m very worried about my wife’s behavior when she’s looking at the baby.My wife, a stay-at-home mom, was supposed to go back to work. Rather, she is turning our family upside down. My sister-in-law asked us to adopt twins because she missed her old life. For some reason, we said yes.
I would like to give Mary another chance. Tell your sister that when you take your nephew, you will only keep her if she is willing to behave better. Most likely she won’t, but at least you can say you were willing to give her one last try. Be kind and empathetic towards your sister. She tries to make things work as her family changes, but is no doubt annoyed by Mary’s attitude. Telling her she’s “in over her head” isn’t constructive (just like calling you “out of line”), so maybe it’s better to apologize. Tell her that you want things to work out for her, her partner, and the children, but that you are concerned about Mary’s behavior. Instead of making her feel critical, be the one to talk to her about the situation. If Mary continues to live her life as usual, she won’t have to take her with her nephews when they want to spend time with them. However, please understand that this may limit your availability. If your sister and her partner need childcare, they will have to place all of their children with someone who will take care of them.
–Jamila
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