Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
My son “Patrick” was informed about an assignment he was given in middle school. He chooses a topic from a pre-approved list, asks ChatGPT to write an essay about it, submits the essay to his teacher, and then fact-checks the essay to find out what the AI did wrong. I’ll look for it. I don’t want Patrick to do this job. ChatGPT is a hopelessly sexist device that reads and spews garbage that drives impressionable young people into misogyny and insexuality. He is absolutely prohibited from using any kind of AI in our house. If I can prevent him from being exposed to AI until he turns 18, I think that’s the least I can do as a parent. Only now the school requires him to use it. Is there a way to get my teacher to change his mind about this assignment? Sure, it’s not that difficult to write a terrible essay and have it fact-checked, right?
—Isn’t it possible to just protect children from robots?
Dear Can’t We,
Yes, AI is creepy. But it’s here to stay. And despite all its shortcomings (not least that it can be used so easily for cheating, deception, creating false narratives and “news” (absolutely not a comprehensive list)), creating an incel There is no responsibility. I promise you, there is no need to overstate the potential harms of AI.
Patrick’s teacher is smart. It’s smart to create an opportunity for students to see for themselves what kind of crappy AI can do for purposes that kids are most likely to use it for. Pretending it doesn’t exist, forbidding its use at home, or imagining that my son won’t want to use it to write his report is protecting my son, even if it makes me feel better. It doesn’t matter. But the practice of discovering its limits helps him become skeptical about it. That will make him smarter. That’s exactly what you want. And that’s not what the alternative assignment you suggested does.
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Dear care and food,
I have problems related to raising children. For years, I had a best friend, someone I felt closer to than anyone else. The cracks in that relationship started to show when I got pregnant with my son (he’s now 19 and in college, so as you can see, it’s been a long time). When he was born, my friend was a loving and very involved “auntie” to him for a short period of time. But soon she lost interest. The rift widened further as she became increasingly irritated with my changing priorities and availability. But that wasn’t all, or almost all. To make matters worse, even though I continued to be a source of support for her, I felt anxious about quitting my job to try something new, especially when her mother died and we went through a bad breakup. It was like that when she really needed me, like when -She has disappointed me many times. In so many ways that bullet points would require a very long letter. Anyway, I’ve been giving her excuses for a long time and telling her that since she’s not a parent herself, it might be difficult for her to empathize with me or even understand my life right now, which she is. I told myself it was just because of it. Maybe she was experiencing something that made her very irritable/uncaring/unreliable. Or maybe I was asking too much of her, wanting to rely on her like she always relied on me. But in the end I gave up. I came to realize that in my mind I was making her up to be the friend I needed, and that she wasn’t really that person (and sure enough… Therapy helped). Looking back, I realize that our relationship was always lopsided.
But the problem is, I never stopped missing her and mourning the relationship. There is no one I am closer to than her (or did I think I was?). And now that my son is grown and going to school half the country away, I’ve been (literally) dreaming of her. You wake up and think, “Ah!” I have to call her! ” (In the dream they were fine.) Then I remembered, no, I shouldn’t have done that. But that no is becoming increasingly difficult to follow. My relationship with my partner is good, but it’s not like having a best friend. I have some friends at work, but I don’t feel close to anyone. It’s not so much that I’m lonely, it’s that I miss the long, lovely conversations we used to have, the easy company and comfort level. It reminds me of my old life, when I would go out to lunch or dinner with friends, talk on the phone for hours, and go shopping together. It’s very nostalgic. My question is, how deeply flawed was our relationship, and as I know some of the things I liked about her were things in my head and not based in reality? Is it even possible for us to be friends again? I can’t tell you how much I want to call her. However, I don’t even know what to say to her now, or how she will take it. Am I crazy for wanting to try again?
—Best Friendless
Dear Best Friendless
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to try again. (Or, if you are, then so am I. And I’m sure we’re not alone.) I once had a best friend who, for years, I imagined would be a lifelong friend. . And when she let me down, and let me down again (and again and again), I was devastated. There is no other friendship like it. I am now convinced that this will never happen.
Years have passed. And, like you, I have dreams where I wake up thinking, “I have to call my girlfriend!” Before I remember how badly she hurt me and how much I will be hurt by her. She understands now, but there was nothing she could do about it. I know there’s nothing she can do about it if I try again. And while I still miss her, and as sad as I am when I remember our own long conversations, dinners, birthday celebrations, and trips we took, we reconnected. I know that doing so will only cause me pain (if not right away eventually). Of course, I don’t know about your ex-best friend. Perhaps she has changed over the years. Or maybe you do and what you need/want from her now won’t be met by her like in the past. But in my opinion, it’s better to stay as is. You had what you had while you had it. Don’t let her break your heart again.
In the meantime, you might consider trying what I did. I made a lot of new friends. None of this can replace my former best friend. I’m not trying to replace her. I embrace the joy of less intense connections, that I am grateful for a much larger circle of friends than I currently have, and that I spend time with each friend in different ways, at different times, and for different reasons. I learned to have fun. And I found all of that by pursuing activities that in themselves give me great joy. (For me, that means ballet and other dance classes, and the choir I sing with.) Just recently, I read an article in the New York Times about “moderate friendships,” which struck a deep chord with me. I did. Maybe the same thing will happen to you.
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Dear care and food,
My husband and I have been married for 29 years. My husband comes from a wealthy family, but I grew up in a chaotic family environment on a farm. My stepmother never liked me and made no bones about it. She had nothing nice to say about my weight, my job, my parenting style, my marriage to my son, etc. After my son got married, my parents passed away, my stepfather became seriously ill, and my husband and I moved across the country to Florida. We love it here and are very happy with our new home. But my MIL never leaves us alone. She calls us every week when she needs groceries, and we order and pay for them on her behalf. She asks for new underwear, stockings, shoes, and books, and we pay for them all. She complains to us about lawyers, relatives, the internet, etc. When her husband ignores her calls, she calls me. We have done everything to make her life better, but she won’t leave us alone. She lives in a retirement community where staff are available 24/7 to support residents and take them to shopping and medical appointments. However, she would rather harass us than take advantage of the services available to her. Help! I’m losing it because of her mean criticism and endless problems and demands.
— Freaking Out in Florida
Dear Freaking Out
My father-in-law won’t pay for a destination wedding, so I’m boycotting vacations! My voluptuous neighbor dresses like a stripper when she jogs. I want to shame her on Facebook. Puberty is having a profound effect on my niece. She’s taking it to my more fortunate daughter. My wife is lazier than my father, who is the most indifferent and does nothing. But it turns out it’s much worse than that.
sorry. Your mother-in-law must be having a hard time. And if you’ve endured her criticism of you for 30 years, you can imagine how fed up you are with it (and with her). But at the moment, she seems to be (mostly?) alone and feels like no one cares about her. The constant demands for things, the constant complaints about people around her, her son and her “reasons” for calling you, sound to me like a way to try to build a connection. That’s a terrible method, yes. It’s illogical, absurd, and extremely frustrating for you and your husband. And the fact that she wants the two of you to do what the staff where she lives is paid to do is further evidence that it’s some kind of connection that she craves. . Is she doing it completely wrong? of course. However, it seems that this woman does not know how to build a relationship.
You say nothing about what her relationship with her husband was like as a child or what happened in the years after. And maybe it’s too late to teach her better ways to interact with people, ask what she (really) wants, and communicate loneliness. But I think kindness will help improve the issues between you, rather than being resentful and continuing to placate her. I think some people would recommend cutting off all ties with her. Personally, I would recommend trying building different types of bonds with her and seeing if that helps. If you and your husband have done everything you can to visit or call her and include her in your life (which you love) before she calls you, then she is probably self-centered. You won’t feel the need to complain about your life, right? If you volunteered to do something for her that she didn’t ask you to do, perhaps she would stop asking? It’s worth a try.
—Michelle
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I have a 17 year old son “Evan” and he brought his girlfriend “Rachel” (this is his first time). True, I met her for the first time, but what I saw bothered me. Evan did almost all the talking and never once did Rachel express disagreement with him about anything. She spent most of her time at home with her arm wrapped around him, staring at him. I was eventually able to move them to another room so I could talk to Rachel in some privacy.
