Mum-of-two Pace Webb reveals how she has changed her ‘mental load’ (Photo: Instagram/@ourhomeflows)
In most heteronormative relationships, the mother often takes on the lion’s share of this work, even though housework is seemingly divided equally.
In fact, in a survey of 2,000 parents conducted by parenting website Netmums, almost 75% of women said they do the majority of childcare and housework, regardless of working hours or work patterns. .
Although the majority of participants agree that men and women should share household chores equally, only 20% of women actually think this is the case, compared to 40% of men. are.
Of course, there is no doubt that the burden on single parents is even heavier. Single fathers currently make up 16% of single-parent households, and juggling childcare, household management, and work responsibilities can lead to burnout and stress.
But it’s not just about who does what, it’s also about who makes sure everything gets done, which is often known as “mental load.” A 2024 study found that many mothers suffer from “depression, stress and burnout” due to this “invisible” aspect of family life.
In response to this long-standing problem, one mother of two has come up with a new way to make her husband a more “equal parent.”
Any advice? If your husband asks a question, just don’t answer, says lifestyle creator Pace Webb.
In a video posted to both TikTok and Instagram account @ourhomeflows, Pace explained: “I stopped answering every question he could figure out on his own.
“It may sound harsh, but if you’re always answering the questions they’re always asking, you’ll be the one to think about everything.”
Pace suggested this method could reduce the “emotional burden” mothers typically carry and lead to a more equal partnership.
The short clip has since garnered more than 37,000 likes and thousands of comments from mothers sharing their own experiences.
User ‘proazil5’ wrote: ‘This is called a ‘mental load’ and women have to carry it every day. When your husband keeps asking questions that he can answer himself, she doesn’t know that you already have a million other things swirling around in your head. ”
Meanwhile, “Rock Pinup” added: “It’s like when you just opened the fridge and immediately asked, ‘Honey, where’s the ketchup?'” or “My baby’s diaper is wet. Would you like me to change it?”
“You don’t need to ask these questions. You’re adding more stress to the woman. Also, take the initiative and do something about it. Can you see the dishes? Do them.” Please. I see things falling on the floor. Pick them up. It doesn’t always fall on us!
This “invisible” aspect of family life leaves many mothers suffering from “depression, stress and burnout” (Credit: Getty Images)
Others shared what they usually do to spread the mental load. User ‘_prettyonmebeauty’ wrote: “My favorite phrase is ‘Idk,’ but I started doing this to conserve my energy and give him space to find his own way.” It works very well. ”
Meanwhile, ‘themomtrotter’ wrote: “My son is the same way. I always say, ‘Baby, what do you think?’ I encourage him to think for himself before asking the question. Redirects are important. ”
But headspace mental health expert and clinical psychologist Dr Sophie Mort suggested being honest with your partner, rather than ignoring them, can ease the mental strain.
“The best thing to do is to explain exactly how you feel to your partner,” she said in an interview with Metro. Make a list of all the things you’re doing that you think need to be leveled out, and break them down.
“Being able to differentiate between responsibilities in black and white helps you both sit down and see how your current load is evened out in black and white. Instead of ignoring someone when they do, ask if they’ve tried or looked into X.
“There are many different ways to manage load between two people, but it is essential to establish that it exists and that it needs to be addressed. And an important part of this discussion is “Explain to your partner how no load makes you feel.” ”
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Sophie Mort, being honest with your partner can help reduce mental strain (Credit: Getty Images)
According to Charlotte Ball, marriage agency expert and co-founder of marriage agency Bond, couples take the time to make a list of the jobs, responsibilities, and obligations they have to juggle in their daily lives. In summary, it is “critically important” that these costs be shared equally. .
Once this is done, Charlotte advises relinquishing control of tasks that are not assigned to you.
“Maybe your partner won’t do it the same way you do, but it’s important to give them complete autonomy in how they perform the assigned tasks,” she says. explains.
But if you get past that point and find yourself taking on a greater emotional burden than your partner, Charlotte says: “It’s important to communicate your feelings to your partner and encourage them to change.”
“Start by quantifying and understanding how much time you need to spend on mental load and how it is shared. Then, use this as a starting point to balance discuss how to correct this and set their own priorities and responsibilities.”
Clear communication is essential, but how can couples realistically do it?
“First, schedule a time to talk to them when there are no distractions. Stay positive but firm,” explains Charlotte.
What is the mental burden?
“Mental load” refers to the cognitive and emotional strain of managing household and family responsibilities.
The 2019 study identified four distinct stages:
Anticipate: Recognize that you need to start thinking about options Identify: Consider the types of options that suit your needs Decide: Select an option Monitor: Make sure your plan is implemented
“Take your emotions out of the equation and tell them about all the invisible work that’s going on.
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“Remember, giving detailed insight into this behind-the-scenes labor can lead to a better understanding of your partners and ultimately allow for a more equitable redistribution of work, potentially reducing your burden.” There is a sex.”
“Be honest and tell them that you want them to share the visible and invisible tasks of keeping the household running smoothly. This will eliminate any resentment and show that you are working as a team. “The relationship is guaranteed to grow.”
Once you’ve divided the tasks, Charlotte says, “You need to be clear that these changes are long-term and that you’ll check in monthly to make sure you’re both meeting your responsibilities.” I am.
“It may take a little hand-holding at first, but gentle encouragement, like encouraging them to use a scheduling app or reminding them of important tasks, may help. ”
Do you have a story to share?
Email us at MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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