To be sure, there are many things that baby boomer parents generally did right in raising their children. Teach the importance of manners and respect. In fact, their actions have consequences. A little bit of manners goes a long way…all of these are really good values to instill in your children.
But, and I’m speaking broadly here, being able to openly discuss difficult emotions was not one of the skills passed down to this generation. And many Gen X and Millennial children can sadly attest to this.
This is why the phrase “dishonest harmony” gives many people in this age group a sense of comfort. They finally have the words to explain the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood to save face.
In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins: “Gen
While Barker, who thankfully didn’t experience the phenomenon as a child, says her husband “definitely” did, the typical response from boomers when she tries to discuss the topic is, ” Please stop talking about that.” You don’t need to hear about it. move on. Quietly. “
And this attitude is at the heart of insincere conformity.
“What this shows is that they lack the ability to deal with the pain we feel when we speak openly about things that make us uncomfortable,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony, not honest conflict.”
“Keep quiet about these difficult issues. Suppress the pain. Suppress the trauma. Don’t talk about it openly so you can heal and learn how to break the cycle,” she continues. “The most important thing is that there appears to be harmony on the outside, even if there is no harmony beneath the surface.”
Barker concludes by theorizing that the need to promote this particular facade created most of the harmful parenting choices of the time.
“Rather than prioritizing the needs of their children, boomer parents’ desire to perceive everything as sweet and trivial led to much of the toxic parenting we experienced.”
As evidenced by the comments, Barker’s video made others feel that way.
“Why didn’t I know about inauthentic harmony before? This is my family dynamic to a T. And if you discount that illusion, it automatically says you have a problem. I get labeled. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.
“Thank you so much! I’m a 49 year old biker and I’m sitting in my bedroom right now crying. You just named my darkness!” added another
Many shared how they refuse to repeat this cycle.
One person wrote: “This is just my family’s relationship. I’m the problem because I’m not quiet about it. Not anymore. Not again.”
“I love it when kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to admit and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another. Ta.
Of course, there is no perfect parenting style. And all parents grapple with the ideals of the time, their own inner programming, and an inherent need to course correct the parenting problems of previous generations. Parents of Generation Alpha will probably be fed up with certain parenting styles that are currently considered trendy. It’s all part of the process.
But hopefully, one thing we have collectively learned is that real change happens when we muster up the courage to have the difficult conversations.
This article was originally published on 7.16.24.
