Updated on September 25, 2024 at 5:12 PM ET
When my son was a toddler, he liked to run down the driveway until he fell. Then he turned to me and checked to see if I was hurt. He would whimper if my face betrayed anxiety or if I let out a gasp. If I remain calm, he will shake off his feelings and start running again. It was a revelation when I learned that I could have such a powerful influence on his mental state. Here was someone who expected me to understand the world, not just how to tie my shoes or recite my ABCs.
Years later, when he entered middle school, this lesson came back to me. One night while we were doing homework, my son told me about a classmate who had been cruel to him. My first instinct was to rush to resolve it, email the parents, call the school, and demand action. (Given my role as principal, calling the teacher would have been complicated.) But instead of reacting, I stopped. “That’s difficult. What did you do?”
“I decided not to hang out with him for a while,” my son replied. “I think I’ll try playing soccer at lunch instead.”
“That’s a great solution,” I said, and he went back to his homework.
A very ordinary parenting moment clarified an important truth for me. That said, sometimes the best thing a parent can do is do nothing.
Parents of all ages can recall the “aha” feeling they had when they held their child for the first time. Yes, this is the person I am in charge of. And they can tell you that no amount of parenting wisdom can prepare you for this new, magical, scary endeavor. Parenting can be fun, challenging, and sometimes stressful. In fact, recent recommendations from the Surgeon General claim that parenting poses a risk to people’s mental health. The report cites a variety of factors that contribute to unsafe parenting environments, from the complexities of social media to concerns about child safety. It also proposes a range of solutions, including investments in child care and federal paid family leave.
There is no question that many American parents are in dire need of additional support. But the Surgeon General is missing one important strategy that all parents can control. That means looking in the mirror. What if the way we parent is making our children’s lives even more difficult and making our lives even more difficult? Less parental behavior can lead to better outcomes for both children and parents. What if you could get it?
I have worked in schools for the past 30 years and have seen thousands of parents interact with educators and their children. I often see overactive parents who deprive their children of the confidence that comes with hard work and perseverance, and exhaust themselves in the process. This has been true throughout my career, but it’s gotten worse. Most Americans now believe that young people are less wealthy than their parents. They believe there will be more competition for fewer resources, such as college admissions, jobs, and housing. Parents are desperate to ensure that their children get ahead in the world.
We are biologically wired to prevent our children from suffering, and watching them struggle can be excruciating. A parent’s first instinct is often to remove obstacles from their child’s path, obstacles that feel overwhelming to them but are easy for us to navigate. This impulse is driven by pop culture surrounding assertive parenting styles, such as the “helicopter parent” who flies in to rescue a child in crisis, or the “snowplow parent” who flattens every obstacle in their child’s way. It is connected to the myth of Adolescents who become accustomed to their parents intervening on their behalf begin to believe that they are incapable of acting on their own, increasing their anxiety and dependence.
I would like to make a case for the term “lighthouse parent” used by pediatrician Kenneth Ginsburg and others. Lighthouse Parents serve as stable, reliable guides who provide safety and clarity without controlling every aspect of their child’s journey. For example: One child was overwhelmed with school and came home frustrated that he was doing “all the work” for a big group project coming up next week. Overfunctioning parents have many next steps. “Why don’t you assign something to the other members of the group that they each have to do?” “Why don’t you assign your name next to every part you do so the teacher can give you credit?” ” “I’m going to email the teacher to let her know you’re doing all the work.” These tactics may address the symptoms, but they address the underlying problem. It cannot be resolved. You also inadvertently communicate to your child that what is needed is parental involvement. Sometimes, what a child just needs is an acknowledgment that says, “Wow, that’s a big deal.” “I can see that you’re really working hard.” “Do you have any ideas about what you want to do?”
Like a lighthouse that helps a sailor avoid hitting a rock, Lighthouse Parents provides firm boundaries and emotional support while allowing children the freedom to overcome their own challenges. They show that they trust children to deal with difficult situations independently. The key is learning when to step back and let them find their own way.
One of the most important changes parents can make is to learn to replace the urge to solve problems with the patience to listen. Fix-it thinking focuses on quick solutions to calm or contain emotions and discomfort. Listening means allowing emotions to exist without rushing to solve the problem. Listening teaches resilience. It conveys confidence in your child’s ability to handle challenges, no matter how daunting.
As children grow up, parents must transition from the role of boss to that of counselor. When our children are young, we make almost every decision for them, from what they eat to (theoretically) when they go to bed. Little by little, we remove scaffolding and produce independent adults who can internalize our values and embody them in the world. At least, that’s the idea.
If children never get the chance to be independent, there is a risk that they will fall down later. They have to experience struggles, make mistakes, and learn from them in order to grow. In fact, learning any skill, whether it’s coding, painting, or sports, requires repeated failures before you master it. However, in an educational environment fostered by perceptions of scarcity, students may absorb the unconscious and unintentional message that mistakes are permanent and worthless. Too many children believe their parents want a spotless transcript and sacrifice opportunities for growth in pursuit of that unattainable goal.
This aversion to admitting mistakes is most evident when it comes to student discipline. Youth cross boundaries. This is part of growing up. When they do so, they receive feedback about their transgressions and ideally internalize that feedback, ultimately internalizing the desired values. When a teenager steals a paper or attends a school dance under the influence, one of the schools’ responses is discipline, and that’s how they provide feedback. At this point, students are not thanking us for managing the outcome. I have yet to hear a student who has been suspended say, “Thank you for teaching me a lesson that will help me in college and beyond.” Instead, say, “This isn’t fair,” or, “Other kids were doing it, too.” At this time, parents need to work side-by-side with schools to communicate clear and consistent messages to support their child’s development. However, parents are often more concerned about their children’s future college entrance exams than they are about helping their children learn valuable lessons. When parents try to control their children’s outcomes, they trade short-term victories for long-term growth. So it’s like you’re getting a happy, well-adjusted 35-year-old kid in exchange for the promise of a college bumper sticker.
In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind described three parenting styles. Based on her work, researchers eventually expanded into four parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritarian. Authoritarian parents make all decisions for their children with little room for negotiation. Permissive parents avoid conflict by setting few boundaries, often resulting in their children struggling with discipline and concentration. Uninvolved parents are isolated and provide minimal support and structure. Authoritative parents allow for some flexibility, combined with clear expectations and a willingness to listen. Authoritative parents are lighthouse parents. They are clear about their values but open to different ways of putting those values into practice. Balance structure and autonomy. This research shows that authoritative parenting produces the best outcomes for children and tends to produce happy and competent adults. While this framework may seem simple or intuitive, too many parents struggle to adopt it.
All parents appear as authoritarian, permissive, indifferent, or authoritative at different times, depending on the situation and what’s going on in their lives. But by remembering to put parenting in perspective and focus on long-term outcomes rather than short-term savings, you can alleviate some of the stress of parenting while also creating better outcomes for your children. Masu.
Yes, parenting can be stressful. But when we trust our children to follow their own path and accept us as stable, supportive guides, we lighten the burden on ourselves and empower them to thrive. can.
