There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, says Tovah Klein.
“Being a parent is very humbling. We’re reminded, probably every day, that we’re far from perfect,” says child psychologist, author, and director of the Barnard College Center for Child Development. Mr. Klein says.
Fortunately, making mistakes and owning up to them is one of the ways parents can actually help teach their children how to become healthy, successful adults. “Perfection isn’t possible, but it’s important that it’s not perfect, because kids learn how to deal with real life,” Klein told CNBC Make It.
Even so-called experts are no exception. In her latest book, Raising Resilience, published in September, Klein shares several examples of moments when she let her emotions get the better of her while raising her three adult children.
Like most parents, Klein has cried out in several heated moments. “I really almost yelled at the kids,” she said. She noted that when her children were younger, they had a “tough time” in the evening between dinner and bedtime, when they could get rowdy.
The unruly behavior sometimes led to loud arguments, and Klein said she would be “embarrassed if people were coming to my house at 6 p.m.” She added that while yelling during an argument is common and even expected, it’s far from ideal and parents should try to fix the situation once everyone has calmed down. .
“I wish I hadn’t been one of those over-the-top parents who got into fights with my kids, but that’s what happened,” Klein said. “And when I did, I had to shamelessly own it.”
How and why to apologize to children
In her book, Klein writes about how these difficult moments create a “disconnect” in relationships that can have negative effects if left unaddressed. Even in excited moments, such as a toddler tantrum, raising your voice and lashing out can be confusing and potentially frightening for your child.
Children may misinterpret their parents’ anger as something more serious and lasting. It can lead to feelings of self-blame and shame, which can have long-term negative effects on your mental health. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Child Development found that children who are regularly yelled at are more likely to develop behavioral problems, low self-esteem, and depression.
Parents should apologize immediately to repair the relationship and put the child’s mind at ease, Klein said. She recommends being “honest and direct.” It can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry for yelling at you,” or “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Klein said apologizing is exactly the type of positive, mature behavior parents want their children to emulate. It “brings comfort to the child and provides a model for how to deal with anger and confusion in other relationships in his or her life,” she writes in the book.
Accepting the fact that you’ll never be perfect and being open about your mistakes with your children will benefit both you as a parent and your children as they grow into mature adults, Klein says. Masu.
“The moments I’m most proud of are the moments when I was able to pick myself up and[remember]’I have to be the adult in this room,’ even when it’s really hard,” she said. says.
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