I am the founder of a Montessori school in Brooklyn, New York. I’ve seen more parents rely on scripts to tell their children how to speak. I worry that parents think they can optimize their relationship with their children by using a script. script.
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About eight years ago, I was hosting an open house at a Montessori school. The classroom was crowded with parents and children, but one mother stood out. She spoke to her 4-year-old son in a histrionic manner, voicing out any emotions he might be having as he moved through the room.
“I know you want it, but it’s in the hands of another child. It makes you sad and frustrating, but I’m here to help you.” ” she said to the child. When she spoke to me, she returned to a more natural tone and manner of speaking, her voice dropping a full octave.
During our short conversation, her words flowed freely, as if she were casually expressing her own internal thought processes. But when she turned to her son, it was as if she were channeling an adult hosting a children’s PBS show. We found this mother to be charming and competent in her interactions with us, but at the same time a little unpleasant and dishonest in her interactions with her son. I genuinely wondered why she didn’t allow her son to get closer to his true self.
I now realize that this mother was an early adopter of a parenting script that, although now ubiquitous, was unheard of at the time.
Words are important when talking to children
The audio message behind parenting scripts is that parents can optimize the way they speak to their children, support their child’s development, and validate their child’s feelings. The implicit message behind parenting scripts is that many of the reflexive words parents say to their children are harmful.
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Phrases that seem harmless at first glance but are now redundant include “It’s okay,” “Be careful,” “Don’t do it,” “You’re very smart,” and “Good job.” There is. These phrases gaslight, control, and stereotype kids, right? There may be some truth to this, but at the end of the day, words matter. It may be time to ask how this is affecting your parents. And does it really work for children?
When parents are repeatedly given the message that the way they communicate with their children is likely to be harmful if left to their own judgment, shame, suspicion, and every word that comes out of their mouths are surprisingly high. There will be a pervasive feeling of risk. .
I’m worried that my parents want to optimize everything
As parenting scripts grow in popularity, some parents embrace the idea that they can optimize their parent-child relationship by becoming the “ideal” parent normatively presented by experts rather than their true selves. I’m worried that there might be. Their interaction style can be very different from their parents.
The idea that parents can raise competent and confident children and at the same time believe they are incompetent and put their trust in someone outside of themselves to take the words out of their mouths… , seems far-fetched at best.
The script can be a rough guide
While some parents may find scripts helpful when they want to communicate with their child in a way that takes into account their child’s developmental stage and need for empathy, they are often more important than specific word choices. It is important to realize that alignment is important.
Congruence in the interpersonal sense simply means that one’s inner experience matches one’s outer expression. Children are more empowered if parents can use the script as a rough guide and adapt the language to their own style and way of speaking. But if parents are using scripts in a way that makes them feel like they need to switch into performance mode or put on a “mommy mask” every time they’re around their kids, then It’s time to stop. .
Implementing scripts with such levels of compliance is likely to create oppression and burnout for parents and confusion and frustration for children. Simply put, words only work if you mean them, even if they are vetted by experts.
Consistency was exactly what the mother who attended my school’s open house lacked, and her son knew it too. If his mother had chosen her words and used her real voice, he would have listened intently.
The parent-child relationship is one of the most intimate relationships humans experience. Sure, you want to be careful with your communication, but you don’t have to sterilize it with a script. Even if the words are the best, sacrificing authenticity is not a good trade-off.
Children need their parents to agree and interact, even if they may misspoke from time to time. Parents need to trust that their heart is in the right place at the end of the day. It’s so much that I want to talk about it myself.
Christine Carrig, M.A., is the founding director of Carrig Montessori School in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Subscribe to her on Substack or follow her on Instagram @christine.m.carrig.
