Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner’s brother and his wife have a very different parenting style than we do. They have two kids, “Daisy” (4) and “Sean” (6). This past weekend was Daisy’s 4th birthday. We had an unrelated family event at their house, so I brought her a birthday present (a crafting kit, a special craft, and a book) and her brother an “un-birthday” present. The following day, we had another family event, this one at a cemetery, and I noticed that Sean was carrying around Daisy’s craft kit (it was in a very distinctive box). I overheard Daisy and Sean talking about it, and Sean was saying, “You promised to give it to me and a promise is a promise.” He was possessive over the kit when the other kids wanted to play with it (at another family member’s house after the graveside ceremony), and when they did end up playing with it, Sean became upset that it became a big mess, which he complained would take hours to clean up (it didn’t; the grown-ups helped).
I’m really struggling with how to—or if I should—respond to this situation. I don’t get along well with my brother-in-law or his wife and I don’t want to overstep with them, but it really bothers me that Sean took Daisy’s birthday gift and no one stepped in. It also really bugs me that they let Sean bring it to the cemetery. I’m debating texting the kids’ parents in hopes of starting a conversation, saying something like, “Hey, I noticed that Sean was playing with Daisy’s birthday gift. If it wasn’t a good fit for her, is there something else we could get her?” What do you think?
—Gifting
Dear Gifting,
I think that once you give a gift, it is no longer your prerogative to dictate what is done with it (and that includes judgments about where it’s appropriate to allow someone to bring it). I also think that it’s not unreasonable to be a wee bit concerned that the brother may be a bit of a bully when it comes to his little sister (though, to be sure, this is not an unusual dynamic—as you must know—and if you “don’t get along with” these children’s parents, you don’t have a pathway to disrupting that pattern, if indeed this is the case). But a passive-aggressive text would serve no purpose other than making you feel a little less irritated about your carefully selected gift having ended up in hands other than those of its intended recipient. It’s possible the gift wasn’t a good fit for Daisy. But you don’t believe that for a second, so why say it? If you’re bothered by Daisy’s craft kit being appropriated by her big brother, why not write the kids’ parents more generously? To wit: “Would it be OK with you if I bought the kids another craft kit? I saw that Sean liked the one I got Daisy for her birthday, and I’m thinking maybe it would be nice if they each had one.” It’s always better to be generous.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
There is an ongoing situation in my family that I don’t know how to broach with my kids. My brother “Paul” has been arrested for being involved with serious, albeit non-violent, crimes. My understanding is that law enforcement has been investigating him for a while and the case against him is pretty cut and dry. We think he will be found guilty. While it was a shock to learn the charges against him, I can’t say I’m extremely surprised, because the stories he told us about his career and lifestyle never seemed to make complete sense. However, Paul has always gotten along well with my kids (5 and 7). They have always gotten excited about Uncle Paul’s visits, and his rapport with them has been excellent. He cares very deeply about the kids and would regularly babysit for us before all this came out. We haven’t told the kids yet about the situation, but I know that the longer we go without talking about him and the kids not seeing him, the more confused they will be. Paul’s trial date is approaching, and it seems likely that he may have to serve some time. How do I explain to my kids that their beloved, trusted uncle may be heading to prison for crimes he almost certainly committed?
—Oh Brother
Dear Oh,
You do know, I hope, that Uncle Paul still loves your kids, and will continue to love them (and have a good rapport with them) if and while he is incarcerated. Committing crimes does not render a person unlovable. He is still your brother; he is still your children’s beloved Uncle Paul.
Letting your kids know that he’s done some things that were against the law, and that his trial date is approaching (and telling them what a trial is!), is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Expressing your sorrow about this is wise too. I think you can sensibly and honestly answer the question, “But why did he do those things?” with, “I wish I knew. I don’t.”
If Paul does end up in prison, his relationship with your kids may be one of the things that keeps him going. Prisons are terrible places—even the “best” of them are dehumanizing—and, for his sake, I hope you won’t disappear him from your family’s life. As for your kids: Finding out that someone they love is a flawed (even a deeply, disturbingly flawed) human being will be surprising and confusing, yes, but ultimately is an important life lesson. As is learning about consequences. Be honest with them in an age-appropriate way. There’s no need to go into all the details of Uncle Paul’s transgressions.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How do you deal with messy bedrooms? Our 11-year-old is responsible when it comes to a lot of things, but keeping her room clean isn’t one of them. I could deal with general messiness, but her floor is just covered in clothes (both clean and dirty), skincare products, school stuff, etc. It will get to a point where she cleans it up, but within a week it’s a disaster again. She doesn’t seem to be embarrassed when friends come over and honestly doesn’t understand why we care so much. What’s the best way to not only keep her room clean enough so I don’t have to avert my eyes when walking past, but also have it so this isn’t an ongoing battle?
—Room’s a Mess
Dear Mess,
Look, it’s her room. She doesn’t care if it’s a mess, she doesn’t care if her friends see that it’s a mess, so unless there’s a health and safety issue (is there food in the mix? Are there mice?), I would let this go. If the messiness of the room bothers you because you feel it reflects on you and your housekeeping skills and habits, know that it does not: It’s about her, not about you. (In fact, keeping her room in a state of disarray may be a way for her to distinguish herself from you—although she herself may not be aware of this.) Her friends very likely don’t care about the disorder, so push any of your own feelings of embarrassment away. If you can’t stand looking, don’t look. What’s the big deal about averting your eyes, or asking her to keep her door closed?
If what troubles you is that your own habits of tidiness haven’t served as a model for her (see above) or you feel that it’s crucial to teach her the skill of keeping her room tidy and neat, I can tell you this: Both my daughter and I, in our respective preteen and teen years, had unbelievably messy rooms. Both of us, the instant we moved out of our parents’ home, became tidy in the extreme. To this day, I can’t tell you if our years of messiness were rebellion, individuation, or a case of this-is-the-least-important-of-the-things-I-am-supposed-to-do-or-want-to-do (my best guess is that for me it was a combo of #1 and #3, and for my daughter a combo of #2 and #3), but we both got over it as soon as we were no longer under our parents’ roof. (In my adult life, it’s the interior of my car that is a mess, and I can tell you with sincere conviction that it’s because of #3.)
So drop it. And who knows? Once you stop mentioning it, she might actually clean up on her own.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My rising 7th grader is pretty academically motivated and does well in school. This past year, there were many instances of classmates texting or emailing her for homework assistance or asking her to share worksheets they’d misplaced. She was usually happy to help, managed it herself, and mentioned it to me only in passing. I didn’t get involved. But at the end of the school year, another parent texted me to follow up on a message her child had sent my kid, and I was very annoyed. The expectation that my daughter should be “on call” to help other girls who weren’t even in her homeroom, who weren’t her friends, and who weren’t even nice to her half the time just seemed wrong. I didn’t want to reinforce her doing this labor AT ALL because it seemed unfair and created this weird dynamic where she was the go-to for schoolwork but never got invited to parties or to hang out. Was I wrong to ignore this text? It’s still bugging me. And what can I do about it if this dynamic continues into the school year just ahead? Should I intercede or let the kids work it out themselves?
—Homework Helper
Dear Homework,
I think it was fine to ignore a message from a parent you don’t know asking you to get your daughter to respond to a message requesting homework help. (Though if it had been me, I would have responded, “Are you kidding me?” or perhaps, Miss Manners-style, “I beg your pardon?”)
But what’s much more important than how you handle these other children’s parents is that you create a space for your child to talk about how she feels about being the go-to helper with whom nobody wants to be friends. You say she’s happy to do it, but how do you know that? Has she told you she’s “happy” to do it, or does she say only that she doesn’t mind doing it? You say she mentions it in passing. Have you taken any of those opportunities to ask her how she feels about being asked for this sort of help by a kid who isn’t her friend? If she has actually claimed to be “happy” about it, have you asked her why? (I’ll take a stab at some possibilities: She enjoys feeling helpful. She enjoys feeling powerful. She enjoys feeling that she’s smarter and better prepared than other kids are—especially those who exclude her socially. Or perhaps she’s glad to get attention from them any way she can get it. All of these explanations would call for a real conversation with her, a chance for her to think this through clearly with your patient, loving help.)
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Have a conversation with your child now, before school starts again. Don’t tell her what to do or how you feel about this dynamic. Let her talk. (Try starting this convo when you’re driving her somewhere. It’ll be easier for her to speak freely if you’re not looking at her, if your questions seem casual, and if you haven’t set aside a special place and time for them.) Your letter doesn’t mention if she has friends, only that the kids who rely on her are not her friends. If she doesn’t have any friends—if being the go-to homework-helper is the only way she has of connecting with the other children in her classes—this is a problem that’s bigger than what you’ve described as an “unfair” dynamic, and offering her a safe space to talk about her loneliness and what she might be able to do about it is essential. Letting kids work things out on their own is a fine rule of thumb—but before your daughter can take part in that sort of social negotiation, she needs to have the tools to do it. She needs to know how she feels, why she feels that way, what she wants to do about it, and what she can do about it. You can help her strategize ways to set boundaries if it becomes clear that she wishes she knew how to do that herself.
—Michelle
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My son, who is in first grade, is a very bright, imaginative child who seems to be well-liked by his peers, and his teachers describe him as “everyone’s buddy.” Despite this, he often comes home from school dejected because no one wanted to play with him at recess. When I ask for specifics, it generally comes down to his having wanted to play an elaborate game of his own creation when his friends would rather be on the swings or monkey bars.
