Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a 5-month-old son who’s at home with us while we both work full time. We’re managing thanks to flexible work schedules and a little help from family and friends while we wait for a daycare spot to open up (hopefully in a few months). The bulk of the work falls on the two of us, with me doing slightly more childcare (60/40-ish). When it’s my turn to watch our son, I try to make sure he’s doing tummy time, interacting with lots of high-quality toys, has space to explore, and goes out for fresh air. When it’s my wife’s turn, she usually puts him down on a playmat and turns on the TV to the news or some other not-kid-intended programming while she answers emails. Our baby is fascinated by the lights and sounds the TV makes and will stop what he’s doing to stare at it for hours. I worry that this is impacting his development (he’s not rolling over or sitting up yet), but I also get that this is a tough season for us and I don’t want to backseat-parent. Is this something I should get involved with?
—Concerned
Dear Concerned,
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only “very limited” screen time for kids under 2, and notes that “overall screen time and regularly having a TV on in the background were linked with lower language and social-emotional skills in young children.” Even if the programs your wife put on were geared toward young children, I have to think that the benefits of educational programming would be lost on a 5-month-old. If I were in your place, I also wouldn’t love the fact that your baby is staring at the TV so much, even though he’s headed to daycare soon—it’s not that every moment with an infant must be packed with maximal “enrichment,” but the TV is obviously not helping him learn or develop in any crucial ways.
But I doubt it’s quite as simple as “your son isn’t sitting up yet because he watches some TV.” There’s a ton of variability within the range of normal for things like sitting up with support, sitting up independently, etc., and if you have serious concerns about your son’s development in any area, the person you should be talking to is your pediatrician.
Regardless of the impact of screen time (something the whole internet already has and will continue to argue about forever) maybe it’s worth thinking about it this way: This is not going to be the last time you and your wife have a different approach or opinion when it comes to some parenting issue. Sometimes one of you will be right, or at least more right than the other person. Sometimes it’ll be a tossup, but you’ll still have to discuss and commit to one choice over another. Ideally, you should be a team, able to land on the same page as often as possible and compromise when needed. And to do that, you really need to be able to talk about everything, go through the pros and cons, and problem-solve together—not remain silent if you have genuine concerns, or get super defensive and refuse to listen to the other person. You aren’t supposed to backseat-parent, but you are supposed to be true partners in parenting. If you can’t have a respectful discussion about how much screen time is OK for your 5-month-old and reach some decision you both can live with, how are you going to talk about all the other, far weightier parenting issues that are going to come up for, let’s face it, the rest of your lives?
That’s why I don’t think biting your tongue is the answer here. Pick a time when you are both not working and reasonably well rested (I know this is easier said than done), and say that you’ve noticed the thing about the TV. Don’t tell her it’s terrible or tell her what she should be doing instead. Don’t pat yourself on the back for all the things you’re doing on your “shift” instead of working with the TV on. Start with some questions: Does she feel like she has to put the TV on to get work done? Is she managing to work enough to do her job and not feel perpetually stressed about it? If not, is there anything you two can try to do about that until your son gets a daycare spot?
There were definitely days during my children’s respective infancies I only got through thanks to TV and movies, although most of that time they were sleeping on me or like, staring at their own hands, and couldn’t care less about my shows. Parents of infants don’t all make the same choices, but often we make the choices we feel we have to. Hopefully, you and your wife have the kind of relationship where you can be honest and say that you’re not super comfortable with your baby having that much screen time. But again, instead of focusing on the potential evils of the screen itself, try to talk about why it might feel helpful or necessary to her, and then see if the two of you can work together to address whatever work needs your wife has in other ways.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have been friends with “Kara” and “Nathan” since college. We each have two kids at similar ages, and when they were babies and toddlers it was great. We’d get together to work on the house or go to the beach or just have a backyard BBQ and set the kids up in a safe place to play. The whole thing is mostly driven by the husbands because they’re best friends, although Kara and I get along well.
By late elementary school, it had changed—especially as our oldest kids, both daughters, diverged a lot. Our daughter had early and difficult puberty, while their daughter struggled academically and was eventually held back a year. They stopped having class together and the friendship drifted. Both girls are now in middle school and do not get along.
Our daughter acts shy and silent around theirs, and refuses to do any activities together. Their daughter seems confident, but is annoyed when she’s paired with ours. The two younger kids copy these patterns. Our kids both beg to stay home if we plan activities together.
Our town isn’t that big, so it’s not like we can suddenly find new friends. How do we move through this? It seems like it’s getting worse now instead of better, as the older kids are 13—the prime age for social weirdness. I don’t get the sense that there’s bullying, more that the other kids are in a popular group at school while our kids are not. My husband wants to power through, while I want to draw it back to just carpools and the like, especially since our daughter is old enough to stay home alone at this point. I don’t know if or how I could talk to Kara about this situation. My husband just wishes nothing would change, so he’s not going to talk to Nathan about it. What should I be doing here?
—Friendship Changes
Dear Friendship Changes,
It’s very normal for relationships to change, of course. Small town or not, your kids probably do have some other options when it comes to friends, and they are plenty old enough to know and decide who they want to hang out with. And you and your husband can choose to remain friends with the other couple without your kids being there.
I know it’s a bit awkward, and obviously you don’t want to tolerate any unkind behavior. But I think letting your kids naturally drift apart is unlikely to cause them any harm, whereas it sends a terrible message when adults try to force kids to ignore their own wants and instincts and be friends with someone they don’t feel they can be close to (plus, as I’ve mentioned in other columns, this has never actually worked). You really want your children to have more autonomy than that. It’s important for them to learn to make decisions about the friendships and relationships that will be good for them—they can’t learn that if you do it for them.
Maybe your husband can try to think about it this way: He and his best friend have had decades to build and sustain their friendship. They’ve changed since they were younger, too, and through it all they’ve decided they want to remain close. That’s great—they should do what they can to maintain that important friendship. Your kids deserve the same chance to figure out what they value in a friendship and choose who they want to be friends with.
Your husband doesn’t have to like it, but things have already changed. No one needs to explain or apologize or ask for forgiveness, because no one has done anything wrong. That doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t have feelings about your family friendships shifting, and it’s ok to talk about them if any of you feel a need. Just be aware that the goal isn’t to go back to how things were, because you can’t and your kids don’t want to. If your husband and Nathan want to stay close—or if both you and your husband want to keep spending time with both him and Kara—find ways to prioritize that without worrying about whether your kids have the same level of closeness. The survival of a friendship often has more to do with friends being able to roll with changes than everything remaining exactly as it always was.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am finally at my breaking point with my mother-in-law. Here is a non-exhaustive list of various incidents from the past 11 years: 1) Screamed at me and my husband and our wedding party relentlessly on the day because my bridesmaids mixed up the champagne they brought for mimosas and the champagne she brought for toasts; 2) Skipped visiting us for a trip to D.C. we paid for because their daughter suddenly decided to move across the country; 3) invited us last-minute for more than 10 “family” vacations during times of the year when we aren’t available; 4) admitted during an argument that because I am estranged from my mother, she thinks I’ll force her son to become estranged from her; and 5) offered to buy us furniture so they could be more comfortable in our house, then went nuclear because we planned to put it in a different room than she assumed we would. I’m exhausted. I want boundaries. My husband does too, but they’re so good at manipulating him that he’ll give up if it means they’re pacified. I watch it happen and bite my tongue. What can I do? Is it a bad idea to call them out on this behavior and intervene when I see the arguments falling into the familiar pattern of my husband apologizing and them being accusatory but not taking responsibility? I don’t expect much to change, but boy, do I have a lot to get off my chest.
—Tired and Furious
Dear Tired and Furious,
Challenging your mother-in-law might feel very satisfying in the moment. You don’t want to be her doormat, and that’s fair. But it’s highly unlikely that anything you say to her will alter her behavior. As you yourself acknowledged, she’s probably not going to change a whole lot at this point, especially when her behavior has long kept your husband right where she wants him.
No matter how difficult or manipulative she is, she wouldn’t be able to make that your problem—at least, not to the degree she has—if your husband would stand firm and refuse to be manipulated. As long as he keeps apologizing and dancing on her strings, she’s getting what she wants: emotional control over him and that relationship. Unfortunately, it just isn’t possible for one person to single-handedly change an entire family’s dynamic and “communication” style, even if you’ve been part of that family for 11 years. All the other people involved would also have to want to change it and then alter their behavior accordingly, and you’ve seen no sign of that happening. You have limited control, assuming you want to stay married and she stays somewhat in your life.
My Stay-at-Home Wife Was Supposed to Go Back to Work. Instead She’s Upending Our Family.
Help! I Could’ve Saved a Friend’s Life. But I Didn’t. Now I Have to Live With the Regret.
My Sister-in-Law Asked Us to Adopt Her Twins Because She Missed Her Old Life. Somehow, We Said Yes.
I Had Plans for a Peaceful Retirement. Now My Partner Has Shattered All of It By Coming Clean.
But you do not have to accept or participate in this reactive cycle of manipulation and capitulation. You can tell your spouse that if he won’t try to change this pattern or establish any boundaries with his mother, you are going to take care of yourself. It’s okay to get some more space and limit the time you spend with your mother-in-law. Refuse to engage if she tries to start a fight (don’t think of it as letting her go unchallenged; think of it as her not getting what she wants from you). If she yells at you, tell her it’s unacceptable and she needs to stop, or you’ll leave—and be ready to follow through. Do whatever you can to disengage emotionally from this relationship. You can still be angry or upset or sad, but don’t waste your energy trying to change her or obsessing over how she should behave. That won’t hurt or change her at all, and it will exhaust and frustrate you.
I don’t know if anything your mother-in-law has said to you rises to the level of verbal or emotional abuse, but both you and your spouse should have zero tolerance for that if so. Again, I don’t think you’ll get your mother-in-law to change her behavior, but there is still a possibility that your husband might change his. He really needs to understand how serious this is, and not stand by or get manipulated into groveling when his mother openly disrespects or screams at you. I have some sympathy if he’s been subjected to a lifetime of such treatment himself, but letting his parent scream at you and then capitulating to her would be a dealbreaker for me. If it is that bad, and especially if it happens frequently, be honest with your husband about where your line is (and when his mother has stepped over it). Ultimately, if you’re going to remain together, your relationship and wellbeing has to take priority over the dysfunctional dynamic he has with his mother.
— Nicole
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