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Dear care and food,
I’m a single father of two boys (15 and 17) and need help deciding on a course of action. My ex and I were divorced several years ago, and we have an effective civil co-parenting relationship. After the breakup, I didn’t imagine my own love life again, but you know what? Things happen in life! I met a woman named “Eva” and we really hit it off. Our conversations turn from hours to minutes, we agree on important things, and we share many interests.
The chemistry between us is close to boiling point and Eva recently took the initiative to ask me out on a date. Nothing serious, just starting dinner. I really wanted to say yes…but I told her she needed to take that into consideration because I want to be sensitive to my sons’ needs first and foremost. She was very understanding and told me there was no need to rush into making a decision.
The problem is that Ava is a 25-year-old graduate student and I’m a 36-year-old man who owns a house, a car, and two teenage sons. I’ve never dated someone younger than me, and I don’t want to have the independence that Eva does. After all, she’s an adult in grad school and can carry on intelligent, nuanced conversations about all sorts of complex topics…but that bridges the gap in the lives lived between us. I’m worried that my sons will feel uncomfortable, rather than her age. So I tentatively answered “yes” to Eva and feel the situation? When and how should I talk to my kids about this? Or should I scrap this opportunity entirely and suffer a loss?
— Wrong place, wrong time?
Dear, wrong place, wrong time,
My father-in-law won’t pay for a destination wedding, so I’m boycotting vacations! My voluptuous neighbor dresses like a stripper when she jogs. I want to shame her on Facebook. My wife is lazier than my father, who is the most indifferent and does nothing. But it turns out it’s much worse than that. Puberty is having a profound effect on my niece. She’s taking it to my more fortunate daughter.
Let’s start with the obvious. If you are a professor at the university where she is studying, we strongly recommend that you proceed with caution and read up on the protocols and policies the school has in place. And if you’re teaching in her department, I’d recommend not pursuing the relationship until she graduates, lest it seem inappropriate (in any case, policy may not allow it).
Assuming that’s not a problem, let’s go on a date! You don’t need to know right away whether you and Eva are a good match, unless you’re entering professionally nebulous territory. Dates are supposed to be about exploration and fun. She may become the love of your life, or simply a lover who will reignite your desire for romance. Both options are great, but you won’t know until you choose it.
As for your sons, it would be honest and respectful to let them know that you’re starting to date again, but they don’t need to know the details of who you’re dating until it gets serious. First, get familiar with the idea in general. This gives you the opportunity to make your own decisions without having other people’s opinions flying around in your head. Good luck and enjoy!
—Alison
More advice from Slate
My wife and I had an unexpected stroke of good fortune many years ago and set aside a large sum of money for our niece, “Allie.” Both of her parents know money. She was the only grandchild of both parties at the time. Since then, her brother has divorced Ally’s mother and remarried. He currently has two stepdaughters and two sons. My wife and I now have a son (after many rounds of IVF). We do not donate more than regular gift cards to other children. No sane person would expect that, right?
