Pam Allyn is an educator and parenting researcher. She says that gentle parenting has become too prescriptive and unrealistic. Structured parenting allows children to know what to expect.
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This told essay is based on a conversation with Pam Allyn, founder of Dewey, which creates educational learning tools for parents and educators. Edited for length and clarity.
I believe that gentle parenting (which I define as an approach that centers the child’s social and emotional needs) begins with the best of intentions. Anything that tells parents to pause and slow down is good.
But lately, I’ve seen gentle parenting taken over by social media. Online, there’s a tremendous amount of effort involved in being a kind parent, never yelling or forcing your child to do anything, choosing instead to have a long conversation about how they’re feeling and offering them plenty of options. There’s pressure.
The problem is, that’s completely unrealistic for many parents. First, not all children prefer to communicate verbally or are able to clearly express their thoughts and needs. And parents need to get things done. They don’t always have time to talk. Just like children, they may prefer nonverbal communication. Therefore, gentle parenting can be very stressful for many parents, who end up blaming themselves for failing in their approach.
Structured parenting creates expectations and empathy
In other words, many parents are trying to fit into the story they’ve been told about gentle parenting. Many of them find a different parenting approach that educators prefer: structured parenting.
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Systematic parenting makes life predictable for children and parents. It’s good for kids to know what’s going to happen next and where the boundaries are. We all thrive on routine, and structured parenting provides that.
Although different from so-called gentle parenting, structured parenting is still gentle, kind, and individualized. A lot of autonomy and empathy is possible within the structure that parents create.
Create a structure around eating, reading, and playing.
Many parents will already have certain routines in place, such as when they walk out the door in the morning or when they wind down before bed. Structured parenting takes these a step further and creates time to connect as a family. Connection time is structured around eating, reading, and playing, three activities that bond the entire family.
First, consider meal times. I watch my 2-year-old grandson often, so I know how quickly meals can turn into a mess. Older children who are involved in sports or extracurricular activities are even more likely to do so.
So, make a commitment to eat together as a family every day. It doesn’t have to be dinner. Even if you can eat breakfast together for eight minutes, it creates structure and connection. Use these few minutes to ask open-ended questions such as “What are you wondering about today?” or “What surprised you today?”
The key is to create an intentional sense of coming together, a structure that kids can rely on every day.
Sharing reading time can set the tone for family time
Next is reading. You might already be reading aloud to your kids before bed, but step up that time. Reading is a way to connect with children of all ages. If you pick up one of the simplest and most classic books, like Goodnight Moon, you’ll find that even older children will be drawn in.
I love moving my reading time into the morning. Try reading aloud on Saturdays. This structure helps set the tone for your family weekend. You can read a book for 5 minutes together even during class.
The final tenant is play. Play should not be forced on the youngest members of the family. Instead, play together and notice the stories and structures your child creates. That way, you’ll find out more about what your children are thinking than any gentle parenting conversation.
Systematic parenting means that mothers and fathers do not lose themselves
Parents these days are more self-critical than ever. Sticking to models like gentle parenting can make things worse. If your day isn’t filled with conversations and choices with your children, you may worry that you’re not being kind enough.
Many parents feel like they lose themselves along the way. Through systematic parenting, you can deliver love and empathy not only to your children, but also to yourself. You are a unique and precious person and your child’s biggest advocate.
But it’s okay to have needs too. It can also be a healthy thing. Structured parenting provides tools for creating family relationships that reflect the needs of the family and prioritize everyone’s social and emotional well-being.
