Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister always wanted a big family, but never had a third child until my nephew was born, three years ago. My nieces were 13 and 12. Their brother is the “miracle.” There are two bedrooms upstairs and the master on the first floor. Their parents forced the girls to share a room, and to share a bathroom with their toddler brother. My nephew frequently wakes up in the middle of the night and wakes up his sisters. My nieces try to be home as little as possible. They are both academically and athletically gifted and are often away for games or spending the night with friends. When they are at home, they are quick to pass their brother back to the nearest adult. They aren’t cruel, but they aren’t the doting, involved big sisters my sister imagined.
My sister recently belly-ached to me about having to put her son in daycare because my nieces went out and found two internships on their own. One is with a law firm—it is very impressive for a 16-year-old. My sister would rather her girls stay home to babysit their brother, as she thinks it would encourage them to bond. I usually don’t speak up to my sister, but I felt compelled to defend my nieces. I told her that she and her husband had screwed up priorities when it came to the girls. Most parents would give their left arm to be blessed with such smart and talented daughters. Both of them are going to be halfway finished with college before they leave high school if they keep up their current work, and they are going to get scholarships. I said it was disappointing to me that my sister only saw them as domestic labor.
My sister protested, and I pointed out I got paid to watch her and our brother back in the day. It was a pittance at the time, but at least I got paid. I suggested that if she really wanted to make things better, she ought to switch rooms with the girls. They could share the master and have a private bathroom. My sister called me ridiculous, and said I wasn’t a parent so I was clueless and confused. Now she’s not talking to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my mouth, but I have seen the situation deteriorating since before my nephew was born. The girls were put on the backburner. So what now? I live on the opposite side of the state and only see everyone ever so often.
—Backburner Blues
Dear Backburner Blues,
So, what is the issue here exactly? It sounds like you’re in a tough spot with your sister because you feel protective over her children? And there’s a subtext to this letter that maybe you don’t support her decision to have a third child later in life. In any case, it’s clear your nieces are thriving academically and personally, and you don’t say they’ve complained about any of this to you, so I think you should consider the possibility that you aren’t giving your sister enough credit. I mean, she is clearly getting most things right!
It’s understandable that your sister feels overwhelmed trying to manage her toddler alongside her older daughters, who are getting internships and are in a very different stage of their life. She opened up to you about her disappointment over her vision of a close-knit sibling bond not materializing the way she hoped (which, to be fair, with this age difference was always unlikely), as well as the challenges of childcare. I’m not sure I agree with your criticisms, or with your suggesting that if your sister feels bad, it’s her fault—it sounds like she just needed to vent. If you do feel like you need to do something to stand up for your nieces, focus on them. Offer support by giving them more opportunities to have time away from their parents and toddler brother. Your sister taking offense at your suggesting she give up the master suite in her own home is, I think, understandable.
While your sister’s reaction may have caused some friction between you two, I think it’s because she feels defensive and exhausted, and she will likely come around and things will eventually cool down. For now, give her some space, and in a few weeks, reach out in a gentle, non-confrontational way.
Perhaps with an apology.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
How do you help kids learn to listen and be good communicators? I struggle with this mightily. My 5-year-old son, particularly, tends to cut me off to talk (and he LOVES to talk, and also makes his emotions loudly known pretty much all the time—and he tends to focus on the negative). Both of my kids (my daughter is 7) are very confident in their ideas, and very comfortable negotiating, coming up with alternatives, and offering what are either reasons or rationalizations for why they should get what they want/not do things they don’t want to do. (My son also perseverates heavily. I use “asked and answered” and tell him I’m going to stop responding after that.)
Just getting them to hear me, and let me finish a thought, is a daily challenge. I usually have to ask them multiple times to do most things (it took two years to get them to put their shoes on a rack after school, without prompting, for example). I try to keep my sentences short, and have been working on setting up expectations for things. I ask them their thoughts and feelings, and what they think we should do. I know they are little and learning, and a lot of this is about consistency and learning over time.
I’ve brought this up to trusted people and the general advice has been “kids are just like that,” or it’s just normal. I get that, but I also struggle with it, because it’s a lot lot LOT for me. I REALLY don’t want my son, particularly, to be so aggressive in interrupting and talking over people as soon as he gets an idea in his head. He also is very aggressive in trying to manage and verbally dominate his sister. He’s an incredible child, very bright, but I just can’t seem to find a parenting groove with the verbal barrages. I know some of this is for me to work through in regular counseling (which I do), because I get so overwhelmed and frustrated (and freaking overstimulated). But I want to feel more constructive in my daily interactions with my kids.
—Talked Out
Dear Talked Out,
I feel your pain. I really do. I guess my advice here would be to pat yourself on the back and to tell you that you’re doing a great job! It sounds like you’ve worked really hard and produced two really confident and creative kids. And now that you’re ready to teach them important social skills, like listening and letting others speak, you feel overwhelmed because they aren’t responding the way adults might, by waiting their turn, etc. I regret to report that your trusted sources are right that kids are generally just “like that.” There are techniques I’ve heard of out there, like wielding a “talking stick,” to set boundaries on speaking. However, nothing’s really worked for me except this one trick I figured out. I realize that all kids are different, so maybe this might work for you or maybe not! But it could be worth a try.
When my kids get excited, I get down on my knees and bring myself to their eye level, and listen intently for a period until they’ve exhausted what they’re trying to communicate, and I repeat to them what they say so they feel understood. Then I try and emote understanding—like I get why they want an alternative, or why they don’t want to do whatever it is I’m telling them to do. And once they understand the task and reward, they usually cooperate. Like with cleaning up, for example: I get down, they talk and talk and talk about all of the other things they want to do, and I say something like “I get it, I don’t want to clean up right now either. I want to play, too. So let’s clean up together so we can both play, okay?” I say, as calmly as I can.
Another technique (that I totally learned on TikTok) is to model calmness in intense situations. I had no idea how often I acted like putting on shoes or finishing their meals was an emergency. And so when they acted like what they wanted was an emergency, it made sense that they were only mirroring the behavior I was modeling for them. Since that realization, I try and slow down, and if they don’t do exactly what I say right when I say it, I try other ways to get them to do it, rather than frantically repeating myself over and over again.
In any case, it’s clear you’re working hard and are bringing infinite patience to your kids. And while it’s true that much of this behavior is developmental, I think the fact that you are actively looking for help means your kids are in great hands. Best of luck!
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two daughters, ages 18-months and 3-years, who share a bedroom. Our 3-year-old, “Leonora,” seems ready to stop napping—when she was home for summer break, she only napped if there was a car ride around naptime, and otherwise just did “quiet time,” playing with toys in the kids’ room, while the 18-month-old napped in our bedroom. On this schedule, both kids went to bed at 7:30 or 8:00, while Leonora might stay up in bed looking at books or chatting with her toys until 8:30 or so. Both kids wake up at a very respectable 6:30ish most mornings.
Now that the kids are back to daycare, though, the 3-year-old is napping at daycare and now she often doesn’t settle until 9 or 10. Some nights, she’s able to keep herself busy with books and toys, but with the sun setting earlier she’s getting bored in her room and coming into the living room over and over and over again. The interruptions make it really hard for me to have any “me” time, couple time with my partner, or get any work done (I leave work early-ish to pick up the kids, which means there’s usually a bit more to do in the evenings). I try to stay neutral, alternating between ignoring her and gently putting her back to bed, but neither approach is very effective. And of course, after staying up late, Leonora then wants to sleep in the next morning and is a total krabby patty when I open her curtains at 7 a.m.
How do we handle this scheduling adjustment? We’ve tried moving bedtime a little later to see if she settles faster, but it just pushed everything later. Daycare has tried letting Leonora skip the nap, but everybody else is napping so she does too! Her likely pre-K program for next year also has a two-hour naptime where the kids need to stay on little mats, so this is probably the schedule for almost two years. Is this normal? Does my child just function on very little sleep? Help!
—10 p.m. Is My Bedtime
Dear My Bedtime,
My Kid Got Hit By a Car. I Wasn’t Expecting One Consequence in Particular.
I’m Thinking of Giving Up on My Relationship With My Granddaughter. Her Attitude Is Beyond.
My Girlfriend and I Are Long Distance. I Don’t Get Why I Have to Tell Her About My Late Night “Friend.”
Help! My Wife Wants Me to Cook More. But When I Do, She Defaces My Meals.
10 p.m. is, as you note, a crazy bedtime for a toddler. If I were you, I would be prioritizing setting that bedtime back to 8, 8:30 maximum. But it sounds like you’re in a tricky spot, especially with Leonora’s nap schedule at daycare, and her own developing sleep needs, being somewhat out of your control.
You don’t mention if you have a winddown routine to help the kids transition into nighttime. Mine with my two toddlers is dinner, bath, book, brush, pee, sleep. We start around 6:30, and I’m finished by 8 usually, though now that they’ve gotten used to it, I can be less strict. If either of the kids put up a fight and refuse to sleep, I rock them back and forth in a quiet dark room until they knock out. It usually works.
If the bedtime routine fails, it’s probably worth talking to your pediatrician about this—they may have suggestions or interventions that can help Leonora get back on track.
I also just want to say that you’re right to feel like this is a lot for you. I honestly can’t think of any way to balance your needs for personal time with kids that don’t sleep until 10 p.m. Don’t forget to also give yourself some grace, and be patient as you find a balance that works for you.
—Aymann
Doubleday
From Slate staff writer Aymann Ismail comes an exquisite memoir about fatherhood, religion, and the search for identity in an ever-shifting, increasingly divided world.
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