Slate Plus members receive more care and meals each week. Do you have questions about children, parenting, or family life? Submit them here!
Dear care and food,
My sister asked me to be her legal guardian for each of her children (11F and 10M) during her pregnancy, and I agreed without hesitation. At the time, I was young (23 when my first son was born) and single. I lived about an hour away from them, so if I had to step in as their guardian and didn’t set up my own family in my area, I would have to worry about my children’s needs for the rest of their lives. I thought about moving to them so I wouldn’t have to. After the death of his parents, he is forced to leave his hometown. I’m a teacher in a high-demand subject, so I’m not worried about finding a new job in a slightly different field. When I started dating my current husband five years ago, I made sure he was aware of my agreement with my sister and my intention to fulfill it if necessary. There was nothing wrong with him.
About six months ago, my sister and her husband died in a traffic accident. My husband and I moved into their home with them. I drove an hour back to work to finish the school year. A retiree offered me a job in their district this year, so I moved there. My husband’s commute is now 40 minutes instead of 20 minutes. It also made it more difficult to go to his regular social events because they were in the opposite direction from where we moved. He said this is not sustainable and we need to go back to the house (which we own). I think we need to sell the house (we’ll make a lot of money doing it, it’s in a great neighborhood and in good condition). I’m proposing to sell my sister’s house as well and buy a new house in my niece and nephew’s current school district, about 15 minutes closer. Both his work and his friends. They have already lost so much that I feel it is needlessly cruel to keep them away from their close-knit community and friends. It would be different if our own children were already established in the district, but we are not.
My husband has no intention of doing so. He says children are resilient and will adapt to new places. Basically, he is given an ultimatum to either move back to his old home with his family or just him, but either way, he lives there. For me, that means we’re getting divorced. Is it really that irrational for me to do exactly what I planned to do five years (or more) ago?
–They have already lost too much.
Dear Too Many,
No, it’s not impossible at all. It is noble and kind. And as a widow who has spent too much time worrying about what will happen to my children if I die, seeing the way you approach caring for your nieces and nephews makes me truly grateful. I’m full of feelings. Every parent wants their child to be loved and treated as a priority by their guardians once they pass the exam. So I think you’re doing a great job. I feel sorry for your husband, who is having such a difficult time. I don’t think this was easy for both of you.
Have you ever asked your husband why your nieces and nephews are expected to be resilient but he isn’t? Then you might wonder why your nieces and nephews are expected to be resilient but not the other way around. I wonder if it would help gain some perspective on why he thinks others need to be sacrificed for. I don’t mean to be cruel. I suspect he feels lonely and alienated from creature comforts, friends, and normal routine. And that’s understandable. I don’t see how that overrides the needs of these two children.
My sister-in-law asked us to adopt twins because she missed her old life. For some reason, we said yes. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. I made an agreement that everyone would make with their brother in the event of a tragedy. Well, it happened — and my life is a disaster. I recently found out what my husband was watching on his computer. This explains everything. I thought I heard an intruder in the middle of the night. Then I found out what my son was doing in the living room.
It sounds like your husband never imagined himself becoming a parent and never expected your guardianship agreement to come true (who would?). He probably feels like his life has completely changed, and it has. When that happens, anyone can become stubborn, resentful, or feel like they need to take back control of things.
Have you told your husband (kindly and constructively, not threateningly) that you would file for divorce if he moved back in with you? If not, now is the time to take a risk. Because he may not be aware of the risks involved in the problem. If he doesn’t want the marriage to end, you may be able to agree on next steps together, such as counseling or making further compromises that you both are happy with. (I like your plan to move the whole family closer to the old town, but other possibilities include him having one day off a week, two days off a week at another house, driving a car, etc.) You might want to ask your boss for a hybrid work arrangement to reduce the amount of work you do, such as hosting a game night every other month so his buddies can come to him. (Creative ideas may emerge.)
I’m not saying this should be easy for both of you. But the point of marriage is to get through difficult situations together. I really hope they find a way to withstand this one because there are so many bigger and worse curveballs. I pray that your soul may rest in peace.
—Alison
More advice from Slate
My in-laws live about 6 hours away by car. She’s the first in her family to have kids and we’re the second, so it’s understandable that she’s worried about the kids playing with their cousins and talking to other moms. Our children are close in age so we get along very well. I really like her and always enjoy talking to her. That being said, when she visits, she always brings sick children with her.
