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Dear care and food,
I grew up in an area of America where access to health care was difficult. It’s not the price that matters, but the round trip time of 3-6 hours. Our parents took us in because of broken bones, visibly infected wounds, and appendicitis. If it was less than that, I rested at home and waited. However, moving to the city changed my relationship with healthcare. Regular visits to the doctor solved my long-standing menstrual problems and helped me get pregnant. My husband and I have taken our toddler to the pediatrician more times in the past three years than I did as a child. We’re glad we can help her feel better right away. I take her even though I know there’s a 70% chance she’ll be okay at home. My husband is even more cautious than I am and takes her with him in case of a stomach ache that occurs at daycare.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit. They had planned to take our daughter to the zoo one day while my husband and I were at work. I had already left for work when my daughter woke up and my husband realized she had an ear infection. He canceled the zoo, called his doctor’s office, and got a prescription for antibiotics. She felt okay within a few hours, and by the afternoon everyone was back on schedule. I thought everything was fine, but just the other day my dad called me and seriously told me that he was teaching his daughter to be a hypochondriac when she needed to be taught resilience. I was shocked. I always thought that the (lack of) routine or routine medical care of my childhood was a matter of access, not values. I told my father that I was proud of my husband for being a good father and that I didn’t think it was naive to avoid unnecessary suffering. Things have been very chilly between us since then, with my mother stirring the pot. My siblings, who still live close to home, think I’m criticizing their parenting because they treat doctor’s visits the same way my parents did. How do I untangle this? I want all of us to be able to parent with peace of mind, but I’m not interested in telling you how.
— Do you pamper your mom?
Dear mom
It’s not your responsibility to reassure your siblings about their parenting choices or to convince them not to take the bait their mother dangles. And, for the record, your parents’ “judgment” for you to seek medical care when your child is unwell is actually a way of managing your anxiety and shame over your own failures. If it is something hidden (they are not necessarily aware of this), then there is no need to participate in this either. You notice that your relationship with your father has “cooled down” since he accused you of turning his daughter into a hypochondriac. Who is being cold? Is it you, him or both? If he’s becoming cold and you want the relationship to be warmer, warm up the relationship. (If he doesn’t reciprocate your warmth and affection, that’s his fault.) If you’ve grown cold (and I don’t judge you for being cold, I’m hurt too. , you’ll be angry, both of you. Or, if you’ve had a cold confrontation and want to get rid of the coldness in your relationship, try telling him outright that what he said hurt you. Try saying, “Dad, I love you, but it hurts me when you tell me that I’m hurting my child.” If he responds by repeating what he said or trying to argue with you, walk away from the discussion if you absolutely have to. Tell him someone is coming or he has to run to the appointment and hang up. If this happens often, he will get the message.
Help! My sister foolishly bought a farm in order to “raise her children on the land.” Now she’s trying to drag me into the dirt. I’m very worried about my wife’s behavior when she’s looking at the baby.My wife, a stay-at-home mom, was supposed to go back to work. Rather, she is turning our family upside down. I’m about to explode because my family has been forcing secrets on me that I can’t keep.
You have to think for yourself how you feel about this revelation about your childhood (and therapy may be a big help). I hope that it helps, at least a little, to tell you that most of us sometimes have to consider things from our childhood and find ways to overcome them. Let me tell you, confronting your parents about their failures rarely makes you feel better about them (though if you feel it would bring some relief to remove that bother, then do it). The work of making peace with our childhood is our own work. It’s worth doing. Why not find a way to subtly let your brothers know about this? Because if they feel judged by the choices you make regarding their child (even if it’s the mother “stirring the pot”), it means they feel insecure about their child. Because it means that there is. choices. A pot cannot be stirred unless there is something inside it. “Parenting is hard. It’s hard to do it the same way your parents did or do it differently. Everyone has to figure out what works for them, right?” But you don’t have to say anything at all . As I said at the beginning, it’s not your job to manage everyone else’s emotions, or anyone else’s.
—Michelle
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I’m 24 years old. I work full time and am struggling to finish my degree. My days off from work always fall apart in the middle of the week, so I’m not good at getting together and making plans. My sister is a year younger than me and has two toddlers. She married a man 10 years older when she was 19 (and everyone told her it was a bad idea, but she was determined to move on). Our parents moved abroad two years ago, so it’s just her and me locally. Every time she calls me she wants to know my days off so I can do X, Y, and Z for her.
