I grew up with 16 siblings and our household was often chaotic. Our parents didn’t discipline us much, so we decided that when we had children, we would raise them differently. My husband and I have an authoritative parenting style, and it works well for us. For us.
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People always think the Bradys have a wild family – until they hear about me and my 16 siblings.
My parents always wanted us to have the best possible childhood by creating a safe environment where everyone could be themselves. That’s why they gave birth to me and my three biological siblings, and then adopted 13 other children.
My parents loved us, but they also lacked the ability to discipline me and my siblings when we inevitably had conflicts. They were always very tired from our busy lives and had a hard time keeping everyone in line.
I grew up seeing how undisciplined, constant chaos doesn’t create the best environment. Some of my brothers lost trust in authority figures. I thought my future parenting style would incorporate a more authoritative style. That turned out to be the best thing for my 5 year old son and 8 year old daughter.
Authoritative parenting style was the right choice for my family
Evaluating family dynamics as a child led me to vow that my children would always know that there are consequences for bad choices. When my husband and I decided to have children, we talked about how we would raise them. I wanted to raise my children from a logical standpoint, prioritizing discipline for bad behavior.
Such authoritative parenting means not only forcing consequences, such as temporarily stripping children of some of their childhood privileges, but also imposing age-appropriate controls on what consequences their actions will have. It means having a conversation.
My role in raising my children is more logical. I find that both having conversations with children and enforcing consequences helps them learn to do better next time.
On the other hand, the husband has always dealt with the mental well-being of children more naturally. He is there to guide us through the first steps and discuss how we can do better next time with our kids.
Our parenting style promotes emotional stability while producing results that help our children grow into better versions of themselves.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a softie at heart. It’s difficult to discipline my children. In those moments, I tell myself that they will be able to accomplish greater things because they have developed core values and an understanding of results.
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We guide both approaches through disciplined behavior and kindness. This gives our parenting a higher purpose than simply trying to maintain peace to get through the day as a family.
I’ve been thinking about how to raise my children for decades. Even as a teenager, I understood how important it is to pay attention to children, because my parents did not always have time for this. There’s a good reason for that. They hardly had a moment of rest.
What is our actual parenting style?
I keep these values in mind in moments like yesterday. My husband and I had to enforce our authoritative parenting style at the grocery store even though we were rushing home.
My five-year-old son grabbed a box of macaroni and cheese from the shelf and threw it into the cart. While I was putting the box back together, my husband said it wasn’t on the list.
My son immediately started crying. He said we were being mean, but I quickly put a stop to that. I told him he couldn’t talk to me like that because he needed to respect us and that if he said it again he would lose his TV rights after dinner.
She continued to cry as we walked down the other aisle. When my husband shushed our son, he repeated that we were being mean. When we got home, we kept our promise, but he didn’t get to watch “Paw Patrol.”
My parents would have tried to shut him up in the store, but eventually gave up. Instead, my husband and I explained why our son’s words were wrong before enforcing the promised results.
While my son pouts in his room later that night, we talk about why it’s important to respect us, how much we love him, and how he apologizes. We talked about what we should do. Over time, he will learn that he cannot do whatever he wants, and he will become a happier adult who is loved by people.
Last week, we also talked with our 8-year-old daughter about the consequences of our actions. She wanted to ride her bike to a friend’s house after dinner, but it was too late for a school night. When my husband said no, my daughter rolled her eyes and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.
We immediately went to her room and both told her we wouldn’t do it as it would be rude. She needed to apologize and accept the punishment. Don’t ride your bike for the rest of the week.
She pointed out that her best friend is never punished for slamming the door because she is old enough to see how other parents treat their children. She thought it was unfair that other children could express their anger with impunity, but she couldn’t.
Her husband told her it was okay to feel angry. He also explained that she should verbalize how she feels so they can get through it together, saying that would be more helpful than slamming doors or rolling her eyes. Ta.
He made a great point by asking how he felt when his daughter’s best friend rolled her eyes at him. My 8 year old said it was annoying. I watched her realize in real time that nothing was as helpful as talking about how she felt.
When we need to approach discipline with love, we do so by talking about why the consequences occur and how much we love our children no matter what happens. I believe my children benefit from my somewhat emotionally detached and logical approach and my husband’s strength in emotional vulnerability.
Enforcing the rules can sometimes make you feel like a bad mother, but the moment you see a light bulb go on in your children’s hearts makes it all worth it. When we doubt ourselves when setting boundaries or deciding on discipline, we remember that we are preparing them to become well-rounded adults.
My kids are great now, but they’ll be even more great when they grow up because we’re serious about results.
Correction: July 22, 2024 — An earlier version of this article incorrectly used the terms “authoritative parenting” and “authoritarian parenting” interchangeably.
