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Dear care and food,
My husband and I have two girls, ages 5 and 3. I’m very happy with my children, but my husband has a legacy name (think “John IV”) and is adamant about having a son to take over the family. . When he found out our first child was going to be a girl, he was okay with the idea that the next one would be a boy. Later, when an ultrasound revealed that their second daughter was also a girl, he had a grumpy attitude during the pregnancy, but warmed up once the second daughter was born.
For the past year, my husband has been pressuring me to have a third child, thinking we want a son so we can have John V. Two children is enough for me, but I agreed to one more and made it clear that this was it. We get what we can get. I’m not having a fourth child – and he agreed. After trying for about 2 months, I found out I was pregnant. My husband was walking on a cloud.
Then came ultrasound. We have a girl number 3. My husband was devastated. On the car ride home, he barely said a word. I figured I’d give him some space and left him messing around with the classic car for a few hours after I got back. But later that night, he said something that made me reconsider our marriage…
He asked me if I would be willing to have an abortion to have another son. When I found my voice, I yelled for him to come out. He left home and spent the night at his sister’s house.
The next day, he called me. I’m sorry, but I can’t stop thinking about what he suggested. Should this be a broken deal, or should I just ignore this and give him another chance since he’s grieving the son he’ll never have?
–Third time wasn’t the charm.
Third time dear,
What on earth is that! The most clever O. Henry trained AI asked to write what happens here would have accurately predicted that you would be pregnant with a third girl. (In fact, based on the lived experiences of some of my friends, the only likely scenario is that you get pregnant with twin girls.) doesn’t seem to be thinking about it. Go his way and I want you to divorce him, not because of his thoughtless proposal, but because of general stupidity.
What kind of husband and father is he when he is not completely stupid about his precious lineage and feels that his sons somehow complete him? You said he “warmed your heart” towards your daughter, but how does that show up now, three years later? Is he engaged, loving and supportive of you and the children? Does he treat his daughters like young people like them, or like poor replacements for the heirs he wished they had produced? Is he an active participant in your family’s life or does he spend all his time tinkering with classic cars? Is his classic car a boy? I’m sure it’s a boy.
My teenage stepdaughter keeps making nasty threats. I might take her up on it. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. My sister-in-law contacted my employer. No, my wife is a tyrant. I want to be freed from my “duties” as a grandmother. Help! My daughter talks about marriage like it’s a prison sentence. She will lose the perfect man.
If you are with him, you have every right to hope for a moment when this man comes back to Jesus. Tell him you never want to hear about the children you won’t have again. Tell him that his daughters are real people who need a real father who cares about them, not one who wastes his energy on non-existent children. And tell him that you have one shot to save this marriage, so it’s better not to destroy it.
I don’t know if it was the very idea of an abortion that scared you, or the husband’s rage at proposing the abortion, or both. I think it’s worth clarifying for you and your readers. Whether you are with him or not, you have the right to think about whether you are ready for this third child and whether you can take care of her. I didn’t want to at first, but I was pressured into getting pregnant. His suggestion of an abortion was outrageous, absurd, and perhaps unforgivable, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to consider terminating the pregnancy if that’s what you want. .
Good luck.
