Q. Halloween is always a problem. I want my children to be with me and their father wants them to be with him. I keep saying my kids want to go trick-or-treating with friends but not in the neighborhood, which is 30 minutes away, but he says he has friends nearby as well. Very frustrating! Their father never listens to me. What is good etiquette?
A. I understand your point. Your kids probably want to go trick-or-treating with their friends. But is there any truth to what your father says? Your comment, “He never listens to me,” could also be his battle cry. Let’s see where the compromises are, using a proper etiquette approach. (Parental Manners Article 10)
For these holidays, schools and communities often hold neighborhood gatherings the weekend before Halloween, rather than on Halloween night. Halloween is assigned to one parent each year, and the other parent leaves the children on the Friday or Saturday before Halloween (festival night) so that the children can attend local festivals near that parent’s home. Is it possible to do that?
These are the kinds of ideas that supportive co-parents consider when looking for solutions. They try to be fair. They try to be fair and will pay the price if they have to give up one night so their kids’ vacation isn’t ruined.
Another option is to go trick-or-treating together. Indeed, some divorced parents may cringe at the thought of going trick-or-treating with an ex. But that ex-girlfriend is also the child’s mother or father, and the child will likely be overjoyed if the parent puts the issue aside and has fun. Spend 1-2 hours collecting tricks and treats.
Next, parents must decide in which area they will go trick-or-treating. Here you need to take a step back, eliminate self-interest and make decisions in the best interests of the children. If parents really want to do this, the decision will be easy because they are not fighting for positions or principles and are putting the child first (Good Ex-Etiquette Rule #1 for Parents).
This is another idea I got from my own life. Our bonus family included you, my family, and our children, but the year my bonus children were scheduled to spend time with their mother, her mother finished work and I couldn’t get home by 6:30. Since we lived in the same neighborhood, my kids’ father and I took all of our kids trick-or-treating. When the mother of my bonus kids got home, we handed all the kids over to her and she trick-or-treated for another hour or so. Afterwards they went to her best friend’s house for some snacks and we picked up me and our kids and headed back. Bonus children stayed with their mothers until they returned home on regularly scheduled days. Everyone spent time with everyone. The crisis has eased.
If you put your child first, there is always a way to compromise. That’s good ex etiquette.
First Published: October 30, 2024 at 6:36pm CDT
