Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
My husband Mark suddenly passed away in January, leaving me to raise my 4-year-old daughter alone. My husband had a difficult relationship with his mother. The mother seems to have been very loving and supportive during their childhood, but that changed after her sons grew up and she divorced Mark’s father. During the seven years that Mark and I were together, their relationship was really on and off, sometimes going for months without speaking. Mark’s mom and I never really hit it off. I found her to be a very unpredictable and capricious character. And I didn’t like how she was so quick to criticize her sons, commenting on their looks, weight, or relationships with other people. After our daughter was born, she never wanted to come see her granddaughter. We would have gladly bought our daughter a ticket for any day of the week she wanted to go, but we only met her four times when we took her directly to the door.
After Mark’s memorial service, I received a very angry (and frankly infuriating) email from his mother. She was angry that I didn’t introduce her to people at the memorial and was also angry that I didn’t arrange to spend time with her daughter. I feel like I barely survived that day. I was numb and just wanted to get through the eulogy. She said she was trying to isolate herself from me, but since then she has tried to contact me again several times.
what do i do? I don’t like her and I don’t think I have to talk to her again. She never tried to have a relationship with our daughter until Mark died. And I don’t know how to explain to my daughter why she wants to be in our lives right now. It’s hard for me to feel safe around my daughter. I’m worried that she will say something disrespectful to my daughter or criticize my daughter.
At the same time, we learn that she is a mother who has lost her son and is trying to forge a connection with her only remaining son. The person I want to be by my side the most is my daughter. I can put my personal feelings aside if it is in the net interest of my daughter to have a relationship with Mark’s mother. Should I do it?
–What to do with grandma
Dear what to do,
It has been a while. Even though your and your daughter’s lives changed overnight, it’s worth noting that you’re giving your mother-in-law’s situation some thought. In fact, it can tell you a lot about you as a person. Sounds like you’re asking for permission to give this person another chance. I think you should. However, there are some things to keep in mind as you proceed.
First, she has no intention of changing. I’m sure many of us know a mother, mother-in-law, or grandmother who makes all sorts of rude comments about a loved one’s appearance, weight, or relationships. (I’d like to say it’s not!) Some of that is certainly generational. Some of it is certainly critical and disturbing. I’m not apologizing. But before you open the door, you need to accept this side of her and hold your breath. You are worried that your daughter will say something derogatory about your son, so you stress to her how you are talking about her father and remind her to abide by those terms. You can get ahead of that by asking your daughter to. She will need to respect that. You can also witness their interactions and disconnect from her if things take an uncomfortable turn.
Michelle Herman
I’m a housewife. My husband doesn’t like it when I’m away from home during the day.
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Now it’s about opening that door. What’s the best way to do that? It’s frustrating when she doesn’t come visit you, but perhaps you can visit her and stay in a hotel so you have more control over the plans and interactions. It may be. Also, I don’t know how old your mother-in-law is, but maybe she’s nervous about traveling to you alone? Or maybe she feels uncomfortable in your home, for better or worse. Either way, I think it’s best for you and your daughter that you make the effort to go to her. Perhaps when you meet your granddaughter, your mother-in-law’s kinder side will emerge. Ideally, the two of you could start getting to know each other and create a memory or two.
Finally, as you said, she lost her child. I had a difficult relationship with that child as an adult. She may have all sorts of unprocessed bad feelings that manifest in strange ways in her interactions with you. If that makes sense, her attempt to break up with you may have been an attempt to protect herself from disappointing you. You are clearly a sensitive and caring person. I think it would be a good idea to dip into that fountain of kindness to see if this relationship will work out. who knows? It might be even smoother in this situation where we both share this terrible loss. It would be great if you could find a way forward while respecting your late husband and supporting the two of you.
And what if you try it once and it’s a huge failure? If you wish, you can only send cards or notes a few times a year. Rest assured that your daughter’s happiness and well-being will not depend on your grandmother’s presence.
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Dear care and food,
Is it just me or does everyone have advice on how to parent? From family members to strangers on the internet, we’re always trying to figure out what’s “right” and “wrong”. I feel like I’m being bombarded with opinions about things. How do you deal with outside noise? Do you have a personal parenting philosophy that you stick to, or do you adapt as you grow?
In my case, I’ve found that focusing on what works best for my family and ignoring everything else helps me stay sane. But I’m always open to learning from other people’s experiences as well. Out of all the advice, what is your strategy for staying grounded?!
—Please no more unsolicited advice.
Dear, I don’t need any more advice.
You’re not alone! And it never stops! And even if people aren’t offering honest “advice,” they are constantly expressing their own judgments about how other parents are doing things, either by criticizing them or by praising their own parenting accomplishments. Very annoying!
This may not be the most exciting answer for you, but my strategy is the same as yours. I haven’t read a parenting book since my daughter was born 12 years ago (although I do have Queen Bees and Wannabes and Dr. Becky’s books somewhere). And when it comes to learning from others, I usually watch what my close friends do with their kids and learn from their successes and failures. I specifically drew on the experiences of friends with older children. I seek advice from trusted friends when I need it, but I try to block out any other one-sided wisdom, and I always do.
But there were times when I needed support as a parent, and that’s why I turned to therapy. Because even people who are comfortable with acting on their intuition can sometimes feel a little off.
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Dear care and food,
I live with my son, his partner E, and their two-year-old son, and I help look after them. To persuade her son to come home from a playdate or the park, Mr. E offers a sweet reward, usually ice cream. When they get home, she does just that and gives the child a snack. However, my grandchild doesn’t eat lunch, and there are many days when he takes a nap without eating. He woke up hungry so I gave him a nutritious snack. After that, I often don’t want to eat dinner. He enjoys a variety of foods.
My son agrees with me that this is a problem, but it often works fine when this situation occurs. Is the omission of snacks and subsequent lunch affecting his nutritional requirements? Does this matter? Should I intervene in any way?
—I don’t know my role
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This story reminds me of a friend who used candy as a potty training trigger. Every time her son urinated in the bathroom, he got a piece of candy. Do you know what effect it had? He was potty trained. And I don’t think I even got cavities after eating the candy.
My teenage stepdaughter keeps making nasty threats. I might take her up on it. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. My sister-in-law contacted my employer. No, my wife is a tyrant. I want to be freed from my “duties” as a grandmother. Help! My daughter talks about marriage like it’s a prison sentence. She will lose the perfect man.
I think many people would say that motivating children by giving them snacks or snacks is a bad idea. But life is tough, adults can be overwhelmed, and sometimes shortcuts are called for. However, if you’re thinking about skipping lunch (which is not only nutritionally bad but can also ruin your nap time), try switching to a different, less filling, or even more fun incentive! We recommend that you do so. Is there anything else that helps with the transition from playdate to home? 10 minutes with Elmo or Bluey? (Don’t hate me for suggesting screen time. Elmo is good!) Or story time? ? Bubbles in the bath? I know you don’t want to give advice, but perhaps you noticed that he woke up very hungry and suggested, non-accusingly, that he doesn’t eat dinner, which he did earlier in the day. It will start a conversation about what is going on. Every parent wants their child to nap well. Focusing on solving that problem may create an opportunity to discuss the rest.
If things remain the same, I can promise you one thing. That means it won’t last forever. And I’ll just say: Be sure to cut back on eggs and broccoli at other meal times.
—Hilary
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I have had my dog Max for 3 years. He’s a big, sweet, goofy guy. During a recent visit by my sister’s family, Max nipped my almost 2-year-old nephew. My nephew ended up needing a few stitches on his cheek, forehead, and scalp, but he’ll be fine in the long run except for some scarring. The doctors must have reported it because I got a call from Animal Control a few days later. Luckily, they told me that since this was Max’s first serious incident, I had the option of putting him on bed rest or putting him through six weeks of intensive training. I chose training. When my sister noticed, she had lost it. She said she thought I would beat Max but couldn’t believe I wouldn’t. I love my sister, but I’m not killing the dog to appease her.
