Eva Mendes has spoken candidly about the challenges of raising children. One of her confessions will be very relatable to many modern parents.
“For me, one of the most difficult patterns[to break]is yelling,” Mendez said on a recent episode of the Parenting & You podcast with Dr. Shefali Tsabary. “In my mind, it’s not like a mean scream, but that doesn’t matter. I scream.”
Of course, yelling is not optimal. You’ve probably heard that yelling is ineffective and that repeated patterns of yelling can have negative effects on children, including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
On the other hand, we’ve also seen countless gentle parenting content on social media. It makes me wonder if we are instilling lifelong trauma in our children every time we speak out.
What is the reality? Even good parents have their moments of imperfection. Like Mendez, most people don’t want to yell at their children. But at the same time, raising children is hard, and parents are human too.
As a parenting journalist, I spend a lot of time covering conversations about modern parenting both IRL and online. And, in my opinion, we don’t need any more information about why parents should try to minimize yelling. We already have a lot of information.
What we need is a confession like this from Mendes, who has two daughters, Esmeralda, 10, and Amada, 8, with partner Ryan Gosling. These things help prove that parents are imperfect human beings with imperfect moments. The good news is there’s usually a reason for yelling, and a way to recover from it.
Reasons why parents yell at their children
To be sure, Mendez isn’t the only parent struggling to break a pattern of yelling.
Sherry Miller, a positive parenting expert and author of The Teacher Momma, co-supports the idea that yelling is common among parents today. In fact, one study found that 45% of mothers and 42% of fathers reported using harsh verbal discipline such as yelling at their children.
Parents may become overwhelmed and yell. “Maybe they’re overstimulated by noises like crying or screaming. They might feel touched out or overwhelmed by the busyness of their routine,” Miller explains. “They may also feel a loss of control or helplessness when their child disobeys them or behaves aggressively.”
Chronic yelling may also be due to chronic stress or burnout in the parent. “They live in a state of heightened frustration and overstimulation, and it’s common for them to feel the urge to vent their stress by yelling at small triggers,” Miller says.
Parenting expert and positive psychologist Leena B. Patel says stress can certainly cause yelling, but it’s important to take a look at yourself to recognize why it’s a common parenting pattern. It is also possible to look back on your childhood. There may also be a cultural component, as mentioned by Mendez and Dr. Tsabary in their podcast.
“For many adults, screaming is a form of communication that their parents have used since childhood,” Patel says. “Breaking out of this pattern and learning how to communicate differently can be difficult for some people, because it’s easier to just use what we know.”
Miller agrees, saying, “If your parents or other safe relationships don’t teach you how to work through stress and conflict without shouting or angry words, you’re likely to repeat the same patterns yourself.” It will be expensive.”
what to do out loud
If you find that yelling is a habitual tactic of yours during difficult times, know that you are not a bad parent. Here are some ways to deal with it.
check in with yourself
“Your screams are telling you that you need something,” Miller explains.
Miller says to figure out what’s going on, we need to ask ourselves questions such as:
Are you sleep deprived? Are you putting too much on your plate? Are you getting the support you need from your partner or someone else you trust? Are you doing something for yourself? Are you feeling resentful or isolated?
Take some time to de-stress
When you encounter a stressful situation, take the opportunity to calm down. It can be as simple as drinking a glass of water or doing some simple stretches.
“As long as your child is in a safe place, take a minute or two to regroup and show them what you want for them,” says Patel.
If these stressful moments occur frequently, you may need additional help, such as therapy. This can help you learn new behavior management skills and heal patterns of trauma from childhood, Miller explains.
talk to your child
Yes, parents scream, even those who aim for a gentler approach. However, what you do after speaking out is important.
“The child is not broken,” Patel says. “Be honest with them. Explain that you didn’t mean to yell and do your best to never do it again. Tell them the situation and try to end it on a positive note. Everyone It’s important to help children understand that they will make mistakes and that it is acceptable and okay to make mistakes.”
Miller agreed, sharing that taking responsibility for a mistake and fixing the situation teaches your child a valuable lesson.
“When you model this pattern for your child, you give them the gift of learning it now,” Miller says. “It will serve them for the rest of their lives, and that is possible only thanks to your “mess up” moment. ”
please take it easy
Every little mistake doesn’t ruin your child. It’s all about the patterns you’ve established, rather than unusual moments, Miller explains. Pay attention to the pattern rather than the perfection.
“Focus on common patterns of connectivity, safety, and support, and give yourself permission to ignore many of the very specific rules that are prevalent online,” adds Miller. “There’s room for clutter. There’s room for imperfection. There’s room for who you really are.”
