I raised my five children as a single mother and they were my entire world. I prioritized my children over my career and social life and made motherhood my life. Now that my kids have left home and I’m on my own, I’m struggling to figure out who I am.
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As a single mother who raised five children, new parents often come to me for advice. First, I always tell my kids to enjoy every moment because they grow up so quickly. Secondly, I advise them, especially mothers, not to make their children the center of their world.
The second piece of advice I wish I had known earlier. I was a full-time mother for a very long time and was the sole parent to my five children for over 30 years.
Although I worked all the time when my children were young, my profession was not the center of my life, four boys and one girl. I didn’t attend conferences, professional development, work gatherings, or even social events because I wanted to stay home with my kids. I didn’t want to miss a second of their childhood.
But now they have all grown up and become successful adults. Where did that leave me? I’m halfway up the professional ladder and alone at home. I wish I had focused more on myself as an individual.
I put my children before my career
Balancing work and family is the biggest challenge parents face. You may find it difficult to maintain a successful career and take care of your children at the same time.
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When young mothers ask me how I managed to raise five children, I tell them I wasn’t working full time at the same time. While they were growing up, I only worked a very limited number of hours each day, most of which were long after they had gone to bed.
It was difficult to stay on top of my kids’ schedules while meeting work deadlines, especially since they always came first. I still remember sitting on the dental office floor with my laptop open and working while my teeth were cleaned.
I thought of being a mother as a full-time job. It took all my energy, focus, and time. But I wish I had known it would be a short-term career. Most of us, after 18 years of work, what happens after that? That’s the question I keep asking myself.
I also struggled to maintain a social life.
I spent decades carting my kids around to play. That meant I didn’t have time for my own social life, or at least I couldn’t make time for it.
Even when we were married, my husband and I rarely went on date nights. My circle of female friends consisted of other mothers who met for coffee after school drop-offs. We didn’t go out on weekends just to have fun.
I’ll never forget the night I left my middle school son home alone to attend an event. I promised to be home by 10pm, but at 10:01 he called me and asked where I was. In another incident, I went to a bridal shower and when I took my phone out of my coat pocket as I was leaving the venue, I received 11 missed calls.
I love being their mom, but I wonder who I am now.
After years of sacrifice, there comes a day when all the kids pack up and walk out the door. And that’s it. After raising our children with all our heart and soul, they leave home and live their own lives.
A part of me is so happy to be able to spend so much time with my kids. I honestly believe they benefited from me staying home. My children are wonderful, successful adults, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job raising them.
Another part of me wishes I had taken some time to prioritize myself, to figure out who I was beyond the label of “mom.”
As my children grow and mature, I am now working on figuring out who I am without them.
Fortunately, women have more opportunities today than they did decades ago when my children were young. Mothers can find creative ways to maintain fulfilling careers and foster friendships while raising children, or they can put their careers on hold and focus on their families.
Either way, it’s all exhausting and there are no easy answers. But I want all mothers to remember that there is life after the children leave the nest. What do you want that life to be like?
