Last month, the Surgeon General, Dr Vivek Murthy, issued a warning about the mental health and wellbeing of parents. In this widely shared report, he notes that parents experience higher levels of stress than other adults when it comes to issues such as financial insecurity, child well-being and social media. To this, parents across the country responded in unison, “Yes, of course.”
The report specifically calls for “changes in culture, policy, and programs to ensure that all parents and caregivers thrive…access to paid family leave, improved early childhood education and care, and historic changes to mental health.” It suggests actions that will help “realize investment.” care. “
One mental health professional who is working to not only raise awareness of this issue, but also help parents with their tough daily battles, is Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, commonly known as “Dr. Becky.” This clinical psychologist became famous on Instagram during the height of the 2020 pandemic. Dubbed the “Millennial Parenting Whisperer,” she encourages parents to understand their children as complex emotional beings, emphasizing small, consistent behaviors and providing scripts for children to use when they behave. are. They try to maintain their own mental health despite their daily tantrums and frustrations.
Dr. Becky Kennedy
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Now, her company UTZ Inside has launched a new app that aims to give parents easy access to that simple, practical advice. Kennedy said the app was created because many parents told her they wished they could text her daily questions.
Three weeks after the app’s release, I spoke to Kennedy about the decision to create the app, the Surgeon General’s mental health warnings to parents, the ongoing debate over kids and phones, the gentle parenting debate, and how busy parents We spoke to her about her thoughts on back-to-school transition tips for students. .
Amy Schonthal: Why do you think your parenting advice stands out from other experts in the field?
Dr. Becky Kennedy: We’ve been sold one parenting model or the other. They lead with behavioral control and harsh reactions that make the parent feel powerful in the moment, but also feel disconnected from the child. Or parents end up having a hard time actually setting boundaries because they’re told to empathize with their child.
Both are incomplete. At UTZ Inside, we’ve introduced a new model called “Rugged Parenting.” I would like to call it “firm leadership.” Because parents always tell me that these benefits extend to the workplace, relationships with in-laws, and even beyond.
When we become stronger, we feel like we are the strongest, warmest version of ourselves. It’s when we embody our authority, set boundaries, and connect with others with empathy. It’s great to see our children benefiting from that approach.
Schonthal: What’s the difference between “strong parenting” and “tender parenting”? I think this was a big buzzword, and now we’re starting to see some backlash against it.
Kennedy: I’m a man of words. The most powerful words are those that resonate emotionally. Those who find the term “gentle parenting” useful should use it. But those words don’t resonate with me. A word that has been very helpful to me when raising my children is “tough”. What you feel at the moment of the strongest impact is the sturdiness. It’s never my most fun moment, it’s always my most inconvenient moment, but it’s my most robust moment.
That’s when you have to take your child from the grocery store after a tantrum. I know it’s going to be a chore, and I’m tired afterward, but I feel like a pilot gaining wings in a raging storm. Not kind, not harsh, but firm.
Validation and boundary setting are two pillars of solid parenting. People have a hard time setting boundaries because most people don’t actually know how to define boundaries. If you don’t understand it, you can’t do anything. As soon as you learn to set real boundaries, parenting becomes less exhausting.
Schonthal: What are some examples of boundaries that are difficult for people to understand?
Kennedy: Boundaries are what we tell our children is what we’re going to do. But we ask the child to do nothing. Boundaries say, “I know this is hard, but I’ll try.”
To enable boundaries, first strengthen validation. For example, “I said I only had one TV show, but now I need the remote control.” That’s not setting boundaries. I’m not asking my child to tell me what I’m going to do and then do nothing. This is actually a request. Requests are fine, but not borderline.
Borderline would be saying, “Look, it’s hard to turn off the TV, I get it.” You can now turn off the TV. Or, if you haven’t done it by the time I get to you, I’ll take the remote from your hand and turn it off. ” You set boundaries, your child has feelings, you validate those feelings, but you continue to hold boundaries.
Good inside app
Inside the Good Inside
Schonthal: The Surgeon General has issued a warning that parenting is bad for your health. What do you think about that?
Kennedy: On the one hand, I’m very happy that this is getting national attention. Raising children is hard. It affects our mental health. On the other hand, some of us have been shouting this from the rooftops for years, so it’s not necessarily news.
Parenting is the world’s most important job, but also the world’s least supported, least resourced, and least trained job. Of course, parents will also have a hard time.
As humans, we really want to understand things. It’s nice to be able to understand things that used to confuse us, but it’s not enough. Insight is an element of change, but insight does not bring about change.
People need to know what to do. That’s why I offer words to help you capture insight and put it into action. I feel I have a responsibility to never leave anyone with the question, “That’s a very insightful story, but what do I do with it?” I always struggled with this when I was a doctoral student. I remember going to talk to these great thinkers about clinical psychology, and my colleagues said it was so great. Perhaps they were able to relate better than I could, but I always needed to translate into concrete, actionable guidance.
So while it’s nice to see the attention this is getting, I hope real action follows. At the government level, there are many things that can make parenting easier. I am in contact with the Public Health Directorate to suggest some ideas on how this can move from an idea to a concrete, actionable strategy.
Schonthal: Let’s talk about today’s parenting topic: kids and phones!
Kennedy: I’m scheduled to speak with Jonathan Haidt at the 92nd Street Y on October 1st. We have complementary perspectives. He does great research and has so many strong ideas. “Okay,” but what are parents actually supposed to do if their child is the only one in their class without a cell phone?
Really, we should be talking about boundaries, not on the phone. Are there any young people using TikTok? It’s the parents who have a hard time setting boundaries. If you can’t say no to a kid asking for a cupcake, you can’t say no to a phone call either.
Some people feel that bonding with their children depends on not setting boundaries. They try to comply with every request and request. How do you learn to tolerate your child being angry at you? It’s a learned skill and requires practice.
In fact, the app has a guide that explains how parents can give their children a phone. A big tip is to make sure your kids are just as concerned about their mental health and safety as you are. If you’re the only one invested and your child finds such things bothersome, it’s going to be a battle forever. How you begin this process has a huge impact on everything that happens next.
Schonthal: It’s September. That means back to school season. Do you have any advice for parents on how to get through the transition period?
Kennedy: We can’t give to our children what we haven’t given to ourselves. This is a time when it’s easy to feel like you’re pouring out yourself, and one of the reasons you lose it is because you forget about yourself. What can you do in 5 minutes today that is really good for you?Even if it’s something simple, I’m sitting down and drinking a hot cup of coffee today. Text your friend and ask if you can chat for 8 minutes. If we take a little bit of care of ourselves during difficult transitions, it will have a huge impact on ourselves and our children.
Schonthal: Is there anything else you would like to say to parents who are struggling?
Kennedy: We can use technology to make our lives easier. Most parents don’t have the time to attend parenting courses. Our app is made for parents who only have 3-5 minutes a day.
They need sophisticated technology to help them through difficult moments, a 24/7 parenting coach in their pocket. Technology has made our lives easier, but parents shouldn’t be left behind.
