Gentle parenting, the current millennial parenting fad, emphasizes empathy and compassion, boundaries over punishment, and encourages adults to control their emotions when children are feeling down. It promises to be a cycle breaker, replacing generations of thinking that parents are dominating authoritarians and children should obey, or else they should.
But are we really more knowledgeable than our parents? Are we really getting better at the arduous task of raising good, resilient children with each generation, or are every new style a different form of the previous one? Is it just a reaction against things?
I certainly didn’t feel like I had mastered anything when the shoe hit me on the head. I could have sworn hours had passed, but it had only been a few minutes since I picked up my 4-year-old from preschool. My daughter, who is usually talkative and cheerful, was in furious mode in the backseat for reasons unknown. Being the kind parent that I am, I tried to calm my child down by talking and validating his feelings, but I failed. “I’m feeling frustrated and helpless. You’re upset and angry. It’s okay to feel that way—”
Now, a shoe has arrived that unlocks a new level of motherhood.
As a bonus point, I had my own mother speak into the car’s speakerphone. She had just called to ask how school was going, but no one wanted to answer. I said, “Maybe, Grandma, not now,” but my mother was always a solver and wanted to solve problems. Her 80’s parenting generation instilled the idea that kids should be happy 24/7, and if they’re not, they should take time off. “Don’t cry, it’s okay, let’s sing!” she repeated to her tantruming granddaughter. “All emotions are good emotions!” I interjected.
I tried to explain to her that gentle parenting means being present to your child’s uncomfortable emotions. Grandma thinks this is a tolerance for children’s bad behavior. After the shoe incident, I started doubting myself.
“Ultimately, branding parenting as one particular ideal can be a disservice,” says Tamara Soles, a child psychologist and parenting coach in Montreal, who advises always kind parenting. She said this could be impossible for parents who are expected to use what she called “Snow White.” Speak out regardless of the situation. “And by the time the children grow up, there will always be new science that reveals the mistakes in how they were raised.”
Rather than focusing on a particular style, “we need to continue to have developmentally appropriate expectations and always go back to what research has shown us is the most important thing: tailoring it to a particular child.” I need it.”
After I went to bed, long after the tantrum had subsided, my phone lit up. My mom friends all over the country have all been sending me the same viral, tongue-in-cheek Instagram reel created by influencer Taylor Wolfe. So she tries to teach baby boomer mothers about gentle parenting, but fails.
The video, which is basically a comedic look at my life set to the Curb Your Enthusiasm soundtrack, has been viewed more than 27 million times and shows Wolf telling his mother on the playground, There is. We said, “What’s the plan here? ” “We said, ‘You should be proud of yourself! ” ”
Wolff said from her home in rural Oregon that while mostly joking, her video is “more true” about raising two girls with the help of their mother. “I try my best to be a kind parent,” she says. That is, she says, until she became a mother and resorted to a “copycat brand of parenting,” 90s-style traditional parenting where the parent is the authority figure and the child obeys as soon as they obey. say. Listen to that sound.
Regardless of your parenting style, Wolf says, As okay as it can be for a 4-year-old, which is to say, not okay at all. ” I silently nodded, still in pain, but agreed.
Of course, what happened after putting on the shoes was anything but peaceful. I was furious and, as even the most well-meaning parents sometimes do, I yelled at my child to stop, saying, “I’m her mother and her behavior is not okay.” It worked. She stopped raging, but continued to cry silently all the way home. I had read enough calm parenting books and listened to enough podcasts to know that my calmness, as the saying goes, should be contagious. I went home and called my mom to vent.
We both agreed that parenting is never simple and that children are not a one-size-fits-all solution to their problems. “My parents are far from perfect,” my mother said. To her surprise, I said maybe I should have just listened to her and distracted the child with a song to avoid escalation. To my surprise, my mother suggested that I apologize and make amends (principles of gentle parenting) and focus on what happens next, not what happened.
My mother was often confused by my gentle parenting strategies, but she agreed that it was all about trying to give my children the best childhood possible. Listen to our children and find out what they actually want from us, not what is made up on Instagram. Sometimes you need to express your feelings, and sometimes you just need silence and space to feel everything you’re feeling. You may also need to distract yourself before the shoe hits the fan.
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