Dear Lucas: As the election approaches, I am putting up some political signs on my lawn for the candidates I plan to vote for. At least it was for me. I woke up the other day and some of the signs were gone. I won’t reveal the candidates for obvious reasons, but let’s just say it wasn’t a local election. We think we know who’s stealing, but we can’t prove it. What should I do? Should I confront my neighbor about the stolen sign?
Dear Reader: Stealing political signs may be a crime, but it seems like a lot of fun, especially when you’re too old to drink, smoke, or vote. Without them, children must find other ways to punish society. For example, driving around town with an old hook and scooping up passing signs.
I know I’m blaming children for the political climate created by adults, but maybe that’s because I’m projecting. When we were teenagers, we would drive around and throw 89-cent Taco Bell Bean burritos at road signs. It made a very satisfying and shockingly loud noise. And it was just as illegal as what my coworkers were doing for fun.
You can’t really confront someone without proof that they did it. But you can reward people who steal other political parties’ signs. We offer $5 for each stolen sign, payable in Bitcoin. An action befitting the political narrow-mindedness of our time, it cannot directly address the problem, but can annoy political opponents on a larger scale.
Is this illegal? Yes. However, I have also seen people selling hard drugs on Facebook Marketplace.
Another option is to request additional signage from your campaign office. Every time you steal one, add two. They steal two and add four. It doubles every time. Your neighbors will see you as an unhinged lunatic, and you probably are too at this point. But you can live happily knowing that the person who tried to steal your sign so many times is now more annoyed than you are.
previous question
Ask Lucas: My husband keeps surprising me in the middle of the night
Ask Lucas: My girlfriend won’t stop biting me
Ask Lucas: My wife doesn’t want to help me with the leaves.
Ask Lucas: How can I stop my Browns-obsessed boyfriend from ruining my weekends this year?
Ask Lucas: How can I get my coworkers to stop being annoying?
Look at this handsome man. His name is Lucas. He’s going to write more columns like this, even though common sense says he should stop doing this while he’s in the lead. If you would like to send hate mail or seek advice from him for any reason, please email him at ldaprile@cleveland.com.
