Dear Eric: I am a gay man (58) married to a man (61). We have been together for over 20 years. My sister and her husband have been a part of our lives since the beginning and have never once shown any signs of not accepting our relationship. We’ve all traveled together and even stayed at each other’s homes.
A few years ago, we took them to our favorite vacation spot to renew our vows, and in 2026 we hope to bring them back for the milestone anniversary they celebrate . I’ll be happy to do it.
We learned from other family members that my brother-in-law frequently disrespected the LGBTQ+ community at parties. My sister doesn’t participate, but she doesn’t object to what my husband is saying. Although we have not experienced this firsthand, I absolutely believe this is happening and will not tolerate that type of hate.
I don’t feel comfortable confronting them about this based on the information I receive. If this is true, I don’t want to take them on vacation and if he says something intolerable, I might have to have an unwanted confrontation. Should I bring it up now, or just say nothing and make excuses for why we can’t go on vacation together?
— Insufferable Daughter-in-Law
Dear in-law, you write that you absolutely believe that your brother-in-law’s derogatory remarks are happening. I wonder why you believe that, and why you would want to continue an intimate relationship with someone who is likely to talk about you behind your back.
Was this information a surprise or did it confirm something you were feeling but hadn’t acknowledged? Given what you’ve been through, he says unbearable things while on vacation with you. It’s hard to imagine that. That doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t think or say derogatory things elsewhere. It’s just that he’s not stupid. After all, you are paying for his vacation. Nor does it prove that he actually thinks or says these things.
Hearsay and hunch only lead to confusion. Therefore, you should directly ask him what he thinks.
Then you have to decide whether to believe him or not. And it depends on the strength of your relationship. This is a weak position. It’s hard to have to say to someone you love, “Will you really accept me?” However, it is your responsibility to find clarity and peace of mind.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
